For Now

The past few months have gone by like a whirlwind and I often find myself thinking, "how did this even happen?"  I haven't had much time to process all of it, which have made everything sort of drag out in a lot of ways.  During all of the chaos I was talking to a friend and I asked her how I was going to get through it and she said, "you'll just turn it into another one of your inspirational blog posts that I'll love reading."  I laughed it off, but its true that writing on this blog is a great way for me to think through things and express the feelings of my heart.
Let me start off by telling about an experience I had pretty early on in working for the division of child and family services.  It had been a rough day in court and I was on my way back to the office when I had my first "on-the-job" meltdown (obviously to be followed by many more, but that is expected with this line of work).  I pulled into our parking structure feeling completely defeated because I couldn't tell, like the other caseworkers could, that one of our clients was extremely impaired and under the influence.  That's something I had been working to be able to recognize and this time it went clear over my head.  With such a seemingly small thing, came a whole lot of other things that, again, I hadn't been able to process and the tears started to flow.  Uncontrollably.  I thought about how hard I had worked to graduate in social work and how it had been a goal for me for the majority of my life due to a lot of divine intervention and direction, but that I couldn't shake the thought that no matter what I was doing, I had an emptiness in my heart.  All I wanted was to be able to have my own family that I would do everything in my power to raise unto Christ.  I began to pray amidst all my tears.  I felt like Hannah from the bible and I sort of started to make fragmented promises to the Lord about what I would do if I could just have my own family  I asked God, "why am I here?  Why are you having me do this?  All I want is to be a wife and a momma..." In an instant of both humility and recognition, my shoulders sort of dropped and I prayed, "except to do your will...I want that more."  Needless to say, those words were somewhat difficult for me to muster out, and the Lord didn't answer my "why" questions right then and there, but He did give me reassurance that He did have a plan for me.  He did remind me that there were very specific assignments that He had in mind for me to fulfill and I was motivated by that and I was strengthened enough to move.
Fast forward a few months and I started dating someone and to be completely honest and vulnerable, I started getting my hopes up.  A lot.  I was falling fast.  Well, long story shortish, that lasted for only a couple of months and for various reasons that I don't completely understand and, in moments of weakness, still have a hard time not trying to analyze everything to death, we broke up.   During that time of "break-up" trauma I also quit my job with DCFS, days later got hired on in a new job, and moved home.  All of this happening in a matter of weeks - these big life-changing things - happening in a matter of weeks, thus making me a very flustered and fragile person.  I had been looking for other jobs outside of DCFS for a while because I started to recognize that this job wasn't for me.  I was good at it, and was begged to stay, but I promised myself before I graduated that if I ever worked somewhere and I started to see myself change at all, I would quit.  So I did. Anyway, miracles happened and without even applying for another job, I was offered a position as a kindergarten teacher.  I then went of a much needed and divinely timed vacation with my best friend.  Upon getting home though...that's when everything started to hit.  I tried to look back at the last month and figure out what had happened and it honestly seemed like a blur.  A blur that was out of my control almost!  Looking back now though I know it was the Lord completely taking me by the hand and guiding me.  All of this is completely and totally to His credit.  Again, I really don't even know what happened - it all happened so fast.  We are promised that as we try to stay obedient to the Lord though, that He will guide us.  That is exactly what he has done.   However, that doesn't mean that I haven't resisted all of this change.  It has been a tough pill to swallow.  I moved home after thinking I was out for good and while I love home, I couldn't help upon unpacking all of my things that somehow I had regressed and lost some of my independence per se.  It's good to be home and with my family and things have slowed down, but this feels so awkward.  People say, "oh you are so young.  Focus on yourself right now."  Yes, I am young, but that doesn't make the sheer longing for a family of my own go away, and I am so over focusing on myself.  My soul knows better and it has gotten to the point that at times when I look on facebook or instagram and see pictures of people getting engaged, or wedding pictures, or pictures of mommas meeting their babies for the first time, it makes me physically ill.  Not because I am jealous, or because of any bitterness toward those people, my life, and especially not toward God.  It is that piece of my spirit that longs for eternal things and for the opportunity for my most important roles to be fulfilled.
I was talking to my mom the other day and I admitted that all of my best friends  - guys and girls - are married and having babies and while I rejoice for them, it puts me in a fairly lonely position at times.  I told her that right now its hard for me to see what my next steps in life may be and that I feel like I am in a bit of a rut/standstill even though I know its quite the opposite.  I know that all of this sort of "breaking down" of what I know or am comfortable in is happening just so the Lord can build me back up in the way He needs to.  He is really setting the stage for whatever He has planned for me in my career, in my education, in my spiritual growth and in my eternal progression and in my future family.  I know that.  I can feel it deep deep within me.  I don't know when or where or how I will meet my husband and I t's hard to not pick myself apart thinking about what I need to change in order to be able to get married or maybe if I did something differently or maybe this or that is what's wrong with me but I know those thoughts are not from the Lord and I can't think like that.   I don't know if my career will go the exact direction I have always thought it would and I don't even know my next step yet but please don't get me wrong.  I am astounded at the blessings I have.  I am incredibly privileged and I am honored and humbled by the gifts I am given and I know that this is a special time of life filled with opportunities and refinement.  I share these things because I believe in vulnerability.  I believe that we can each relate to one another in profound ways and that hopefully we can be lifted by the lessons we are each learning in life and that somewhere out there, what I have to share might help someone else as I am constantly helped by the things those around me have to share.  I know I am not alone and the Lord often reminds me what a wonderful time of life this is and that no matter what stage I am in, there will always be challenges.  Yet, there will always be joy as well.  Always joy in the journey.  So, for now, I do my best not to focus on myself, but on others as I know there are always ways to serve and give and lose myself in the assignments I so desperately want to fulfill.  For now I trust and above all, I hope.  I hope that God does have a plan for me and that those moments of stillness when I feel Him close are very real and He is comforting me and letting me know He is aware and incredibly involved.  For now I throw my hands up and give my will to the Lord, grateful that I don't have to know the "why's" because He does, and for now, that is enough.

EMERGENCY

Again, I know it has been forever since I have posted.  I promise I journal in my personal journal and lately my mind has just been full of so many other things, I haven't had the time or brain capacity to form clear writing thoughts!  But my experience tonight led me to have very clear thoughts of how I should express myself and so I felt like I better run with it.  So, in case you didn't know, I just started a new job!  It is a fantastic job with the state.  I have a fancy badge on one of of those cool zip-line things that hooks to my belt loop, and I know codes and secret stuff and I'm learning a lot.  I moved just for the job and I love my new place.  I'm getting to know my roommates and so far we are becoming friends.  However...ooooohhhh HOWEVER.  This.  Is.  Hard.  I didn't know.  I didn't know I would struggle so much.  I feel like I'm having a harder time transitioning to this than I did when I moved away to college for the first time.  I call my mom a lot.  This is a hard field to be going into.  There are a lot of heavy things I'm trying to prepare myself to have to deal with.  Right now I'm reading an assigned book about how to prevent secondary trauma in the workplace.  So tonight while reading that, I had an absolute MELTDOWN.  I was so incredibly overcome with self-doubt and fear.  I was ready to march into my supervisor's office tomorrow morning and tell him I couldn't do it.  I got scared of the things I was going to have to face.  I started to feel suffocated thinking about having a full-time job and being restricted in a lot of ways because of that (hello, no two week Christmas break?).  I got scared that this job would change me - that I wouldn't be my happy/optimistic self after so long.  I wanted to pack up my things and just go home.  So I knelt down and told the Lord all of my fears.  I told Him I didn't think I could do it, that I came this far and maybe that was good enough.  After praying for a bit and getting my sobs under control, I knew I needed to get to the temple.  And fast.  It all of the sudden became this mad rush to get to the temple.  I quickly changed and with a warm washcloth did my best to wipe the "cry" off of my face.  With PB&J in hand I ran down the steps of my apartment building.  I felt like I was on my way to the hospital or something.  Never in my life have I felt such an urgency to get to the temple.  I couldn't think of anything else besides getting there.
What a blessing the temple is.  It is everything.  Being there tonight healed my soul.  Immediately I started to feel lighter.  I started to feel alive again after being so consumed with doubt and fear.  This was home.  It was a hospital.  A spiritual hospital.  I felt lifted and empowered.  I felt strengthened and supported by my loving Heavenly Father and Savior.  While there I was reminded that angels are around me and that they will bear me up.  I felt the Lord say to stick to it, even just for a bit longer.  One day at a time.  There is a plan.  In no way am I alone in this.  I was reminded of this by going to the temple.  In my complete loss of confidence and everything I was doing, I (quite literally) fled to the temple and was reminded of God's love.  Oh, how we all need to do this.  Whether it means we need to get there more often, or it means we do everything in our power to become worthy to enter, I would most definitely say that there is, indeed, urgency to this.  So much urgency.  Go.  Please, please go.  I know the temple is a sacred, heavenly place.  It is the house of the Lord.  It connects us to Him.  Without the strain and confusion of the world, I can feel Heavenly Father and Jesus' love so easily there.  In what I would consider a spiritual and emotional emergency, I was desperate to get to the temple tonight

and I pray I always will be.

"This was not my plan."

"It is as truly a blasphemous interference with the prerogatives of Diety to set limitations or make fixations of time or place at which the divine power shall be made manifest as it is to attempt to usurp that power.  God alone must decide when and how His wonders shall be wrought."   - James E. Talmage, Jesus the Christ

So I suppose it is about time I wrote this post.  It has been several months since I promised I would share it so here it goes.  

Let me start by giving a bit of a background.  Ever since I was in ninth grade I have known what I wanted to be when I "grew up."  I remember the specific text conversation I was having with a good friend when the thought even crossed my mind.  Then meetings with my bishop, even at that young age, continued to build in my mind the idea that being a children's therapist was an option.  After receiving my Patriarchal blessing the summer before starting high school, my way was pretty set.  See, there were several things said in that blessing that set me, even more concretely, on the social work path.  Pretty specific assignments and prophecies and promises had been laid out in my Patriarchal blessing - ones which the specificity of them even shocked my parents who had sat through each of their children's blessings.  

All through high school and my college years I knew what I needed to do.  No question ever arose in my mind about what I needed to major in, what steps would be necessary for me to take, nor arose any deterrent from my willingness to take those steps.  I was going to fulfill those assignments!  A couple of those steps would include going to grad school to get my Master's in social work along with getting my LCSW license.  Taking these steps was exciting to me and I worked hard to make sure I would qualify for them.  Well, the only way I know how to describe it, is that my heart started to change.  My mind started to lean in other directions.  Going to grad school became less and less appealing.  In a conversation I had with my mom, I told her that path started to look blurry.  This was during the end of my junior year when I would need to start preparing to take the GRE or MAT in order to apply to grad school the following Fall.  During the summer, it got even worse.  I honestly "wrestled" with myself about it for months.  The previous Christmas my gift to Jesus was, "I offer all I am for the mercy of your plan."  This very subject in mind.  Anyway, I prayed and prayed and had large amounts of anxiety about it.  What was the right thing to do?  How would I fulfill God's plan if I didn't go to grad school?  Then one Sunday during sacrament meeting, I had been fasting about it and felt overwhelmed with the answer that I was NOT to go to grad school immediately upon graduating.  With only weeks before my applications would be due, this was an incredible blessing and relief.  It came so powerfully, I had to write my thoughts down as they came.  I started writing vigorously right there in church.  My thoughts came as this:  the Lord's ability to make me fulfill the assignments talked about in my patriarchal blessing are not limited to this one path.  "How would I fulfill God's plan if I didn't go to grad school?" - where is the faith in that?  Thus the quote at the beginning of this post (which I happened to read just tonight.  Perfect).  It was like my perspective was extremely widened.  Other options flooded - and have continued to flood - into my mind.  

Well, because I'm human, a while later I found myself really questioning myself again.  What if I had ruined the plan or done something wrong?!  Then another confirmation.  This time in the temple, where I had been taught that I could have confidence in any answers received there.  He had already given me an answer, but kind Heavenly Father gave it to me again.  I wept as I sat in the Celestial room and felt peace that it was okay that I didn't apply to grad school.  

Okay.  Got that answer.  But then what?  I would have liked to think that I wasn't to go to grad school because I was going to start a family, but I don't know that.  I then seriously considered a mission for a while, but that faded.  Again, extreme anxiety.  Because I didn't know exactly what I would be doing instead of continuing in school, graduation became extremely daunting.  In the last few months I have felt almost lazy - like I was lacking in effort in proactively having a set plan.  People have asked me, "what will you do after graduation?" and I have just kind of said "I don't know...get a job???"  I imagined those people in their minds saying:  "Oh, she doesn't have a plan.  Nice one."  But even more recently, I have felt a lot of peace about the unknown.  Like I said, several options have presented themselves to me.  

For example, while in the temple (again) a couple of weeks ago, I was overjoyed thinking about one of these options.  I felt extremely excited about at least moving forward in that direction.  In that moment I was kind of in amazement that so much about my path had changed.  In my head I sort of bewilderingly chuckled to God, "Father, this was not my plan."  Complete relief.  I felt Him say in His kind fatherly way, "it never was."  It was never MY plan.  It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder and I knew that for now, the Lord was going to reveal answers to me step by step.  For now, I need to walk blind for a bit.  It is stretching me and it is so scary, but He IS guiding me.  Even though my path is not always clear, and I don't have answers, I know He is near.  I know He has not left my side and that HE has a plan.  I thought I understood it, and maybe that's how He needed me to understand it for a while, but He knows all things and will give me gifts and abilities to fulfill His assignments.  I feel that so strongly even now as I write this.  He will give me answers right when He needs me to know.  I feel so willing to move.  He knows that, so He will guide my feet.  In His time and way.  Oh, how strange this is.  All of my cohorts are saying, "I was accepted to so and so school."  "I'm going to grad school here..." I just kind of laugh and stare into space thinking, "I thought that would be me!"  Nope!!  Not now anyway.  Maybe next year I'll feel the need to apply.  Maybe now fuzzy things will become less fuzzy and I'll look back and go, "ooooohhhh...that's why."  Maybe not.  Maybe I won't know exactly why.  I do know this:  God is so merciful.  Jesus Christ is my friend.  They carry me and are ever near.  Nothing is our own.  The temple is the most important thing in this world, and the veil thin within those walls.  Thank heavens we don't have to navigate through this life on our own.  Thank heavens we don't have to KNOW our every next move and step - or even the path we are to take.  

Except one.  We follow the Savior's path.  Always.  

 

My Miracle

So I have been debating writing about this  just because it could be taken the wrong way by some.  I feel, though, that not writing about it and sharing it would be me not acknowledging that a miracle did in fact happen.  It needs to be shared.  Be warned.  It gets a bit personal.
A couple of months ago I started feeling tenderness in my right breast.  I tried to brush it off and just think of different things it could be...maybe I was sleeping on it weird or something.  I started giving myself little breast examinations just about every day trying to feel for lumps.  If you didn't know though, the breast is lumpy tissue anyway so that made it rough to figure out if it was really anything or not.  However, I continued to have to have pain in a very isolated spot and I started to get more and more nervous.  I was also having some breathing problems and my chest was hurting a lot so I got scared that they were somehow related.  In my mind I thought the worst thing possible - I had cancer and it had spread to my lungs.  So I made an appointment with the campus wellness center.  I explained what was going on and they were more concerned about my heart and lungs that anything else.  EKG and chest X-ray showed nothing wrong in either though.  The doctor told me it was probably a new way my body was trying to cope with stress.  Okay.  Then they told me I could go.  I quickly reminded them about my other concern and the nice lady doctor gave me a quick breast exam.  She told me to show her where my pain was.  I pointed.  She felt.  Lump.  She told me I would need to go get an ultrasound at the hospital the next morning.  She also immediately told me that the fact that I have tenderness is a good sign - less tumor-like.  She said she thought it was probably just a fibrosis agnoma (or something like that.  I don't know the terms).  Okay, great, well I'm still scared.  I left feeling extremely discouraged and scared.  I tried to just stay positive while I was at my internship, but the second I got back to my apartment, I lost it.  The only thing I could do was fall to my knees and pray.  I knelt there weeping.  I was terrified.  I told Heavenly Father that it has always been easy for me to trust Him when it came to all things physical.  I knew that if my family members were ever to get sick, or if I were ever to get sick, it would be His doing and we had something to learn.  In my mind, I put my hands out like I so often have - completely lost at what to do or think and just trying to be open to whatever answers He might give.  I asked Him what I had to learn from this and how I could have peace.  In that moment I thought about the other concerns I have in my life - mostly dating and school related decisions.  In that moment Heavenly Father told me through the Spirit that I needed to trust Him in ALL things.  Not just all things physical.  My sobs paused for a moment as I tried to process the impression I had just had.  I felt a wave of humility and relief at the reminder that I can truly give my burdens to the Lord - that I didn't have to do anything on my own.  I felt peace and stillness.  I knew things were going to be okay.  Still my mom came up to Logan so I wouldn't have to go to a scary appointment by myself - after all, what if it was scary news?  I wasn't about to find out I had cancer by myself.  So we went to the appointment, got my ultrasound and there was NOT a mass.   A small cancer-less enflamed gland or group of fibers or whatever (I don't know - I was just focusing on the fact that it wasn't a tumor).  They said we would keep an eye on it and if it got worse or seemingly bigger that we would do a biopsy, but so far so good!  Cancer free, baby!  Again.  Relief.
I left the hospital with my mom feeling a little sheepish at the ordeal this had been just for it to turn out to be nothing.  Why had I been so afraid?  Then I told her my experience praying and she told me that if that experience was what this was for, then it was worth it.  I had a special experience with my father in heaven and with my loving older brother.  I felt their love and was told that I could trust them no matter what.  Some things in my life are just as out of my control as getting breast cancer is.  The Lord is in charge though.  That, I had to know for sure.  My mom and I had a good talk about how sweet it was that God would give me this opportunity to learn from Him.
I think of this experience often when I get caught up in trying to have control over everything and when I start to feel impatient about different things in my life.  "Trust me in all things - not just the physical," He said.  So maybe me not having cancer wasn't exactly the miracle in this situation.  I obviously never had it and while it was an incredible relief to not have it, I think the more profound miracle was the spiritual experience I had the night before and the next morning in realizing what had happened.  Like the woman who touched Christ's robes knowing she would be healed, my cancer-free self was not the miracle - it was that my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus were strengthened.  The Lord showed His hand in a way I hadn't really expected.  He taught me a lesson I needed.  Right there in my little apartment, next to my stilted bed and mini fridge.  He taught me a lesson I won't ever forget.     That is absolutely a miracle!  And they happen everyday if we are willing to listen.  If we will humble ourselves enough to let Him reach us, He will.  He always will.  I know we have a loving Heavenly Father who is watching over us.  I know we have a Savior and Redeemer in Jesus Christ.  He is in everything good.  How grateful I am for the constant line of communication we have with those who love us perfectly.  How grateful I am for the any lesson and answer I can get whenever they deem fit.  How grateful I am for the constant miracles they reveal to us if we turn to them.  I believe in Miracles, indeed.  

Throw Down!...those weapons of war, that is.

Sometimes it takes everything inside of you to remain silent.  Even though what the world would tell you to do  - to stand up for yourself and the slight betrayal and hurt, to confront the battle, to have a spine - is what you would normally do.  Because you believe in being assertive.  You believe in talking it out and understanding every angle.  But even more so you believe in kind words.  Ones that don't sting or stab.  Even though they come to your mind and they are really clever and pretty dang accurate ...you keep them in.  Sometimes the right thing is to step back, even though you were the one wronged, to give in, throw down your weapon of war, and be the bigger person.  And.  THAT.  Is.  Really.  Really.  Hard.  To do.  It is heavy on the chest and watery in the eyes and it takes a lot of fist-clenching, teeth-grinding, praying, and grace on the Lord's part to help fiery and unresolved feelings go away.  No one wants to be bitter but sometimes those feelings come.  It's natural to be angry sometimes.  The Lord feels anger, right?  But it is how we respond to those feelings that define who we are.
I imagine the Anti-Nephi-Lehi's had great reason to want to fight - to defend themselves, yet they refused to lift their swords.  Because Christ enabled them.  And ya know what?  We too can be enabled.  Living proof of that right here, folks *fingers pointing right at my little face*.  Sometimes I am quite surprised at the frustration that can boil up inside of me!  Like, "whoa where the heck did that come from?"  Then I'm like, "oh yeah.  Satan." And that's when you wag your little finger and cobra your head and say "uuuuuuh uh!  No way.  Get outta town!"
God is good.  Just remember that tid bit, okay?
Night!

P.S.  Umm re-reading over this, you can totally tell the transformation that takes place in my attitude and heart.  I started writing it with bitterness still in my soul and as time passed and I depended on the Lord, my heart lightened.  The atonement is real!  If you don't know that for yourself, lean on me for a minute, because it IS real and I know it.

Transition

So, I've started dating someone.  Someone called myself.  Yes, it's true.  No, this is not a pity party, this is an empower-Hannah-because-she-feels-empowered party.  From spending a Friday night coloring a picture for myself to sitting on the floor next to my cinderblock supported bed of my college apartment while painting my nails and listening to some of my favorite songs and noticing that my hands are getting older (whoa run-on sentence)...I am on my way to getting to know myself again.  To figuring out how to have my heart to myself for a while.  To finding myself by losing myself.  Losing myself to my calling, to serving, to my school work, to being a true friend, to being an open book, to fresh starts - even the scary ones.  We live and we learn, don't we?  And LIVE, we must!!  Give up a bit of the control.  Palms up, ya'll.
Here's to drinking milk from the carton.  Here's to multi-colored finger nails and to songs that express what you can't.  Here's to building new bridges from the ashes of the very ones we have just burned - some we worked hard to burn, and some we watched burn without much say of our own.  Here's to changing the world one daddy-daughter date at a time - especially the Heavenly kind.  I like those.  Here's to feeling so small yet, big as the whole out doors at the same time.  Here's to sitting in the Logan temple parking lot in your car by yourself while eating leftover pie and crying because only four people showed up to your Relief Society activity.  Ha, here's to making funny faces without even trying and then laughing and slapping your forehead about it right after.  And here's to the transition moments in our lives when it feels like little progress is happening but in reality everything is preparing you for blessings that have yet to be put in place.
So, sit.  Get to know yourself a bit.  And heck, even like yourself!!  Like ALOT!  Because whoever really does get to date you one day is one lucky friggin' dog.  ;)  But until then, little girl crushes can bring you lots of joy.
I think this is going to be a very long, beautiful, fantastic, fruitful relationship with me, myself, and I.
God is good.
Cheers!

God is God and We Are Not.

Today in church a man gave a talk on President Monson's talk from the October 2012 conference, SEE OTHERS AS THEY MAY BECOME.  It is an excellent talk about seeing people in a Christlike way. I absolutely love it.  Not only did he talk about seeing others for who they can become, but he talked about seeing ourselves for who we can become.  We can be so hard on ourselves.  I'm reading Elder Holland's new book, Spiritual Solace from the Psalms and one of my favorite insights of his says (in reference to Psalm 3:2-5), "we must remember that he is a 'shield.'  And one of the things we need to be shielded against is ourselves.  We must constantly remind ourselves that he is God and we are not."  I share this because it goes along perfectly with a story that the speaker in church told about a young mother and her family.  He explained that this lady had experienced a "spiritual deadening" of sorts, and was having a hard time.  One night when the husband was talking to her about it, she finally broke and said something to the effect of, "I can't do it anymore!  I try and I try and I try but I lose patience with the kids and raise my voice, I can't keep the house clean, I can't always be serving others.  I'm not talented like Sister Jones, and I'm not as compassionate as Sister Child.  I know I'm not going to the Celestial Kingdom."  In that moment, the husband thought to himself, "after all these years, she has known the Savior and yet she is still trying to save herself."  The husband asked her if she has a testimony, and she said yes,  "that's what makes this so hard!  I know what I should be doing."  The husband continued, "then don't you know that the Savior makes up for what we lack?  That He covers this?  That you don't have to do it alone?"
The story goes something like that and ahh I love it.  I just love it.  She had temporarily given up, because she couldn't see herself improving.  She already felt like she wasn't going to progress.  That is not the way Christ sees us!  That is not how He would have us see ourselves!  How comforting it is to know that we do not have to save ourselves.  We simply aren't capable.  So why are we so defeated when we fall short?  Why do we suddenly define ourselves by these short comings?  We must see ourselves as He sees us - with glorious potential.  We must see that "he is God and we are not" - that we don't save ourselves.  We just allow for the saving to take place, by coming unto Christ and allowing Him to heal us.   It is then that He will make us who we need to be.  

The Pavilion

Several months ago, we had a lesson on President Eyring's talk "Where is Thy Pavilion?" You can find it HERE.  I started to think about my personal pavilions, and I realized that so often the pavilion that I put up between me and the Godhead is simply fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of disappointing others, fear of heartbreak, fear of not doing my part, and so much more.  It hit me hard during the lesson and I couldn't help but shed a few tears because of how sorry I was that I had let that happen - that I had been  so afraid and without faith.  I then envisioned myself literally stepping out of the shade of the pavilion, like the one in my church yard, and into the open light of the gospel.  I envisioned myself opening my arms up the the sky and feeling the warmth of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ touch me.  No barriers, nothing between.  Since that lesson I have tried to make sure to keep that vision in my mind in order to not let myself fall under the pavilion again.  At times I have felt myself worrying and questioning and inching back toward the dark shade, where sometimes it is easy to sit.  But upon catching myself, I jump back out and am again overwhelmed with the love and relief I feel from allowing the Savior to heal me.  It is in these moments that I have felt empowered and confident and at peace.  It is here that I feel that I know my Father in Heaven and brother Jesus Christ.  It is here that I know that I am entitled to receive the whisperings of the Spirit and the promises from the Lord.  It is here that I feel closest to Him.  It is a conscious effort that I have to make several times a day - to not be afraid, but to trust.  It is something I pray for:  help and strength to step out from under that dark place.  And it has made all the difference.  To me, this is what "the future is as bright as your faith" means.  At first I thought it meant that the more faithful you are, the less trials you will have.  That is simply not the case.  Sometimes the most faithful people we know are given the trials we would deem most difficult.  No, instead it means that no matter what comes upon us - no matter what trials we face - as long as we are faithful, the light of the gospel of Jesus Christ will always be upon us.  It means that we can know that we will be able to get through it with joy and peace.  It means we determine the brightness by the decision we make to trust.  To come out from under whatever pavilions we are under.
God is kind.  So kind.  He and the Savior are constantly shedding their light and love upon us.  It is up to us whether or not we stand in it.
As for me, I will do my best to turn my face upward - open-armed, vulnerable, tearful, grateful, confident, submissive, and truly joyful - toward the light.  

Feeling Strengthened

Recently I have thought about decisions I have made in the past, and how things are going to work out for me in the future because of them.  I have questioned myself and those decisions.  I have found myself doubting and afraid.  I have wondered if "maybe I could try to date so-and-so again.  Maybe I didn't give it enough of a try", or "maybe I could go back to Provo instead of go to Utah State - that might be easier."   "What exactly do new relationships, or a new school, or a new environment hold for me?"  These questions are talked about in one of my favorite talks by Elder Holland "Faith is for the Future."  He tells the story of how one night he and his new bride were walking along BYU campus feeling slightly discouraged at the things they were lacking.  Particularly money.  He turned to his wife Pat, and in a moment of despair and desperate confusion told her, "we can go back, I can get a decent enough job to provide for us, we don't have to be here."  She then grabbed him by the lapels and told him, "we are not going back.  The future holds everything for us."  It is this very story, and those very lines that come to my mind whenever I think about taking the less frightening or possibly easier rout.  Elder Holland said that years and years later, after that experience, he would sit on BYU campus and watch young students much like his old self walk around with expressions of their faces that seemed to ask the same questions that I have asked myself in the last while.  To them - to me - he said to some effect:  "Faith is for the future.  The future holds everything."
I know I cannot go back.  Am I scared?  Yes.  Will it be hard?  Most definitely.  However, I am where I am for a reason.  Maybe lots of reasons.  I don't really know what the Lord has planned for me,  I know it's something though, so for now I go with that.  I told my Becca the other day, when we were talking about life and growing up, "so we step into the future and into the unknown with our fists clenched to hide our shaking hands, our heads held high to intimidate the enemy, and with faith in the Lord to lead us to victory.  We will not go back."  Okay, I didn't say exactly that, but it was close and it's true!  I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I love Him.  He LIVES!  He conquered death and lives.  It is through Him that we live as well.  Now and forever.   We are children of a loving Father in Heaven and He is all knowing - and WE WILL BE GUIDED.  "Faith is believing that the outcome with be good.  Worry is believing that the outcome will be bad.  Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is believing that whatever the outcome, it will indeed be for our BEST good."  So, my friends, I've said it a thousand times, and I'll say it again.  "The future is as bright as your faith," and "we are NOT going back."
Happy Sunday, indeed. :)

Warning: Change Ahead...and this is what I know.

Sometimes I really wish that I could have a big "change ahead" sign put in my life right before...well, change.  Big change, anyway.  Sometimes I think it would be nice to know that I've got some big mountains to climb just around the corner.  It would be nice to know exactly how to prepare so that I could take them on with grace and courage.  

Then again, I think that I would probably have a brain aneurism from anticipating, guessing about, and questioning about said changes.  So, I'm grateful that isn't the way the Lord works.  I'm grateful that we can't always know.   Is it scary knowing that it might pop out at me at any moment?  Yes.  Is it even scarier when you finally realize that the change is currently happening, and you can't really do much to go back?  Absolutely.  It's terrifying and daunting.  Even putting one foot in front of the other sometimes takes everything inside of me.  But someone else has already walked my path.  In fact, He created it.  What a relieving thought.  Besides, the best kind of preparation, for whatever journeys life takes us on, comes from living the teachings of Jesus Christ.  With that said, these are some things that I DO know: 

Change IS okay.  No, It's good.  Change.  Is.  A.  Miracle.  Sometimes just being willing to do what the Lord wants is enough.  Knowing what the Lord wants is very different.  We can't always know.  He WILL make it known to us in His due time.  Sometimes immediately, and sometimes gradually.  If we let Him know that He is first in our lives, things will fall in or out of our lives as they are supposed to.  Even when we don't immediately recognize it is happening.

I will quote the Count of Monte Christo by saying that "God is in everything."  Even in the order that different songs play when my ipod is on shuffle.  Music is powerful. 

 In my...ahem...Dating and Courtship class (that was really hard to admit but you don't know the whole story here.  I'll probably share it sometime),  we talked about how we need to have Christ as our foundation.  We talked about how our spouses are supposed to come second to Him.  My instructor told us about how President Eyring's vacation home is in her ward.   When he goes to church, no matter what church it is, he has to sit on the stand.  His cute little wife just sits on the front row by herself.  You'd think she would be lonely, but my instructor said that she is just fine with it.  She loves that he puts his duties to the Lord first.  If you are a needy person, and want your good Priesthood holding spouse to be with you ALL of the time, you need to get some therapy real fast.  The point is, I WILL require that my husband put the Lord first always.  Because that is what I will be doing.  Ya know, one day.  When I have one of those guys. 

 Last, but not least, I know that the Lord has the power to change hearts.  Completely.  He ONLY upgrades.  ONLY UPGRADES.  He knows our hearts even, no - especially when we don't know our own.  How is it that any of us could possibly deserve such a true gift?  I thought I understood it.  I thought I understood even in the smallest sense, just what Jesus Christ does for me, for my loved ones, and for everyone who has and will ever live.  But, I don't.  I can't even scratch the surface.  It's beyond all of our mortal comprehension.  Our hearts are His though, and NOTHING is out of His control.  

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, with God nothing is impossible.  I may not know much, but that is one thing that I am grateful to know as life's changes continue to circle on about me.  

Slow Down, You're Doin' Fine.

           The past couple of days I have left campus feeling discouraged and defeated.  I've sat at the bus stop with my chin in my hand, earphones in my ears, and a dazed look in my eyes.  Today I stepped on the bus on the verge of tears, and one of my favorite songs by Billy Joel came on.  Vienna....

Slow down, you crazy child 
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid? 

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about? 
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day 

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you get old
You're gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine 
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time 
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight,...
Too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. you're right 

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two 
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?
And you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through
Why don't you realize,. Vienna waits for you
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you? 

      

        As I listened to this song, I  thought to myself that everything is going to be okay. I need to calm down.  School is hard, but I need to stop getting so ahead of myself (in several aspects of life) and just slow down, because I am doing fine.  Then I looked at all of the people on the bus around me, and was almost brought to tears (again) thinking about how similar stresses must be weighing on their shoulders as well.  I wanted to stand up in the bus and just say, "you guys are doing alright!  Ya, know?  Give yourself a chance to breathe!"  Of course, I realize that I don't know any of their situations, and maybe they are failing in school because they arent even trying, but there are always reasons for peoples' stresses, and all we can do is muddle along and do our best. 

 You don't always have to get A's in every one of your classes in college - trust me, this is a hard concept for me to grasp as well.  Sometimes you will have to stand up and leave an Economics seminar because it is just way too boring for you to handle at the time, or maybe you need to take your phone off the hook and just disappear for a while.  Just slow down.  You're doing fine.  

GOODBYE facebook!

       Yes, it's true.  I deactivated my facebook account.  It feels soooooo good!  I feel unbelievably liberated, and somewhat rebellious (which is always slightly fun).  Yes, I will probably reactivate my account sometime in the distant future, but right now I think I will stick to blogging Hannahness.
       I did it for several reasons actually.  1)  I spent way too much time of facebook.  2)  I love pictures, and I get so excited to put them on facebook to share with people.  That is not the right reason to be excited about pictures!  The memories that create pictures should be the reason you take said pictures.  They are my treasures!  3) Way too much comparing happens on facebook.  That isn't good for anyone's self-esteem.  4) I don't have to prove anything to anyone.  If you want to know how my life is, ask me.  Email me.  Call me, or send me a text.  Just because you don't see pictures of me partying everyday, doesn't mean it isn't happening!! :D Besides, pictures do say a lot, but spending quality time with me says even more!  I think that reveals much more about Hannah Joy Russon than any old website thing does.


So long fb.