For Now

The past few months have gone by like a whirlwind and I often find myself thinking, "how did this even happen?"  I haven't had much time to process all of it, which have made everything sort of drag out in a lot of ways.  During all of the chaos I was talking to a friend and I asked her how I was going to get through it and she said, "you'll just turn it into another one of your inspirational blog posts that I'll love reading."  I laughed it off, but its true that writing on this blog is a great way for me to think through things and express the feelings of my heart.
Let me start off by telling about an experience I had pretty early on in working for the division of child and family services.  It had been a rough day in court and I was on my way back to the office when I had my first "on-the-job" meltdown (obviously to be followed by many more, but that is expected with this line of work).  I pulled into our parking structure feeling completely defeated because I couldn't tell, like the other caseworkers could, that one of our clients was extremely impaired and under the influence.  That's something I had been working to be able to recognize and this time it went clear over my head.  With such a seemingly small thing, came a whole lot of other things that, again, I hadn't been able to process and the tears started to flow.  Uncontrollably.  I thought about how hard I had worked to graduate in social work and how it had been a goal for me for the majority of my life due to a lot of divine intervention and direction, but that I couldn't shake the thought that no matter what I was doing, I had an emptiness in my heart.  All I wanted was to be able to have my own family that I would do everything in my power to raise unto Christ.  I began to pray amidst all my tears.  I felt like Hannah from the bible and I sort of started to make fragmented promises to the Lord about what I would do if I could just have my own family  I asked God, "why am I here?  Why are you having me do this?  All I want is to be a wife and a momma..." In an instant of both humility and recognition, my shoulders sort of dropped and I prayed, "except to do your will...I want that more."  Needless to say, those words were somewhat difficult for me to muster out, and the Lord didn't answer my "why" questions right then and there, but He did give me reassurance that He did have a plan for me.  He did remind me that there were very specific assignments that He had in mind for me to fulfill and I was motivated by that and I was strengthened enough to move.
Fast forward a few months and I started dating someone and to be completely honest and vulnerable, I started getting my hopes up.  A lot.  I was falling fast.  Well, long story shortish, that lasted for only a couple of months and for various reasons that I don't completely understand and, in moments of weakness, still have a hard time not trying to analyze everything to death, we broke up.   During that time of "break-up" trauma I also quit my job with DCFS, days later got hired on in a new job, and moved home.  All of this happening in a matter of weeks - these big life-changing things - happening in a matter of weeks, thus making me a very flustered and fragile person.  I had been looking for other jobs outside of DCFS for a while because I started to recognize that this job wasn't for me.  I was good at it, and was begged to stay, but I promised myself before I graduated that if I ever worked somewhere and I started to see myself change at all, I would quit.  So I did. Anyway, miracles happened and without even applying for another job, I was offered a position as a kindergarten teacher.  I then went of a much needed and divinely timed vacation with my best friend.  Upon getting home though...that's when everything started to hit.  I tried to look back at the last month and figure out what had happened and it honestly seemed like a blur.  A blur that was out of my control almost!  Looking back now though I know it was the Lord completely taking me by the hand and guiding me.  All of this is completely and totally to His credit.  Again, I really don't even know what happened - it all happened so fast.  We are promised that as we try to stay obedient to the Lord though, that He will guide us.  That is exactly what he has done.   However, that doesn't mean that I haven't resisted all of this change.  It has been a tough pill to swallow.  I moved home after thinking I was out for good and while I love home, I couldn't help upon unpacking all of my things that somehow I had regressed and lost some of my independence per se.  It's good to be home and with my family and things have slowed down, but this feels so awkward.  People say, "oh you are so young.  Focus on yourself right now."  Yes, I am young, but that doesn't make the sheer longing for a family of my own go away, and I am so over focusing on myself.  My soul knows better and it has gotten to the point that at times when I look on facebook or instagram and see pictures of people getting engaged, or wedding pictures, or pictures of mommas meeting their babies for the first time, it makes me physically ill.  Not because I am jealous, or because of any bitterness toward those people, my life, and especially not toward God.  It is that piece of my spirit that longs for eternal things and for the opportunity for my most important roles to be fulfilled.
I was talking to my mom the other day and I admitted that all of my best friends  - guys and girls - are married and having babies and while I rejoice for them, it puts me in a fairly lonely position at times.  I told her that right now its hard for me to see what my next steps in life may be and that I feel like I am in a bit of a rut/standstill even though I know its quite the opposite.  I know that all of this sort of "breaking down" of what I know or am comfortable in is happening just so the Lord can build me back up in the way He needs to.  He is really setting the stage for whatever He has planned for me in my career, in my education, in my spiritual growth and in my eternal progression and in my future family.  I know that.  I can feel it deep deep within me.  I don't know when or where or how I will meet my husband and I t's hard to not pick myself apart thinking about what I need to change in order to be able to get married or maybe if I did something differently or maybe this or that is what's wrong with me but I know those thoughts are not from the Lord and I can't think like that.   I don't know if my career will go the exact direction I have always thought it would and I don't even know my next step yet but please don't get me wrong.  I am astounded at the blessings I have.  I am incredibly privileged and I am honored and humbled by the gifts I am given and I know that this is a special time of life filled with opportunities and refinement.  I share these things because I believe in vulnerability.  I believe that we can each relate to one another in profound ways and that hopefully we can be lifted by the lessons we are each learning in life and that somewhere out there, what I have to share might help someone else as I am constantly helped by the things those around me have to share.  I know I am not alone and the Lord often reminds me what a wonderful time of life this is and that no matter what stage I am in, there will always be challenges.  Yet, there will always be joy as well.  Always joy in the journey.  So, for now, I do my best not to focus on myself, but on others as I know there are always ways to serve and give and lose myself in the assignments I so desperately want to fulfill.  For now I trust and above all, I hope.  I hope that God does have a plan for me and that those moments of stillness when I feel Him close are very real and He is comforting me and letting me know He is aware and incredibly involved.  For now I throw my hands up and give my will to the Lord, grateful that I don't have to know the "why's" because He does, and for now, that is enough.

Lately

So I haven't blogged in a bit....Between getting ready for finals, finals, moving home, and job hunting, things have been pretty crazy!!  However, I am all moved home and have a full-time job secured for the summer!  I will be working at Autosource Motors for the summer!  No, I didn't make Nauvoo this year, but honestly I feel SOOOO much peace about it.  I knew the whole time that if the Lord wanted me there, I would go, and if He didn't this time, I wouldn't.  I am grateful to have had the opportunity just to audition!  I'm already planning on trying out again next year!!  I felt good about my finals (even aced the big huge exam that determines whether on not I qualify for the social work program.  Pheww!!  That was a blessing) and then cleaned like a mad woman, packed up, and came home - where I cleaned like a mad woman again!  My brother-in-law Scott and Adam were nice enough to come help me move because my mom and dad were on a cruise...whatever...then Scott treated Adam and me to a dinner at the one and only Angie's!  Mmm...As soon as I got home, I went around applying for jobs, and calling people all over the place.  I have decided to attend my home ward for the summer rather than the singles ward, because...just because.  Also, I want to be with my mommy.  :)  So there is a bit of an update for ya!
Other than that, the summer has proven to be a good one so far!  I have gotten to spend some fun nights with friends, babysit the babies, received a letter from my favorite Icelander, had some good chats with a pretty cute salesman cough, cough Route Manager in NC, and last night I went to a wedding reception with several of my favorite people, were we dance the night away!  Molly and Jared are so dang cute and in love.  Also, I caught the bouquet!  Excellent.  Funny story:  when I was walking away from catching it, a boy came up to me (in front of everyone, mind you) and got down on his knee and asked me to marry him (I have never seen this boy in my life, mind you).  So, I played along and everyone laughed and it was funny.  Whatever.  Then when I was turning away, everyone started chanting, "kiss her, kiss her, kiss her" so like a man, he grabbed me and kissed me right on the mouth!  My bouquet still in hand, I fist-pumped it right into the air, and everyone cheered like crazy!  More laughing then took place.   Then, with some formalities out of the way...we introduced ourselves to each other.   Haha needless to say, it was an adventure for sure....I love weddings! :D Probably won't ever see the kid again, but hey!  Everyone loves a fun story.  I just really hope someone caught a bit of it on camera because well, it was hilarious.  Speaking of cameras, my friend Jalene asked me to be her "model" or whatever for a photo shoot she wanted to do.  I was super excited for the chance to do that. She did my hair and make-up, told me what to wear and how to stand, and away we went!  She is so talented.  You should really check out more of her work HERE.  Here are some of my favorites from the afternoon:

So yeah.  It felt a little unnatural for me to do the whole no smiling thing, but I think she was please with the way they turned out.  So that's good.  Again, she is unbelievably talented and such an eye for what looks good for a photo, and what things ought to be captured.
Well, I think that's all that I'll leave ya with for now.  I have a few other things that I am excited to blog about, so I will try to be better.  In the mean time, have a fantastic summer!

Great start to a great summer!!

1. As many of you know, I got to go to LONDON!!  It was so amazing.  I seriously felt like I was in a movie or something.  My parents sent my brother Adam and me to visit my cousin Kellee and her cute little family.  They live there because Kellee's husband, Jared, is going to school there.  This was honestly one of the most awesome experiences of my life.  There is so much history there.  I loved learning about all of it, and actually being in the place that the history took place.  I learned so much!  This was definitely not a relaxing vacation; it was one of those ones where you get up early every morning, and you run around sight seeing the whole day until you are completely worn out.  It was soooooo worth it though!!  We even got to see two Broadway shows (well London's version of Broadway).  Of course we went shopping, and I was very pleased with my purchases.  One of my favorite things we did was go to a Butterfly house.  Okay.  I LOVE butterflies.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a little bit of an obsession with them.  They have a lot of significance for me, and I just adore them.  I was in heaven with hundreds of beautiful, exotic butterflies fluttering about.    Just getting to spend time with one of my favorite cousins was also one of my favorite parts.  We would stay up late just laughing our heads off while telling embarrassing stories, or quoting different movies.  I can't wait until they move back to Utah!!  I already miss the little babies.  Adorable.  So anyway, this isn't really a cute, fanciful written post but I just thought I would share.  London is AMAZING!!  You need to go.  :)

All of the "flats" are laid out like this.  They are so dainty and movie-like.
Most of them have little front gardens with a tiny gate,
and roses or vines climbing everywhere.

Les Mis!  Adam and I are sort of musical geeks.  Whatever.

Probably my very favorite place we visited.  The Tower of London.
It has so much awesome/creepy history.
  It was built in 1078!  Can you believe that?!

Big Ben/Parliament buildings.  I wish I would have had my fairy dust so I could go fly by it
 like in Peter Pan.  I ran out last week, though. :(
I should have thought ahead.  

Westminister Abbey!  Gorgeous.  Also very old and historical and fascinating.  

Kelle and her cutie kids.  Jude dude, and Hazel Mei. 

So happy.

Best friend

They really liked Hazel.  She did not feel the same affections.

Just chillin' in Hyde park!

2.  I got an awesome job! I work at Sportsmed Physical Therapy.  I am a therapist aid, and I love it.  It is way good experience for me!  I'll also be working for my dad and Russon Brother's Mortuary.  I've done it for years now, but it's good too.

3.  I went on my first temple trip of the summer.  Many more trips planned.  It was so great, and the spirit was strong. I love going there, especially with the people I am closest to.  Umm the temple workers are hilarious, and somewhat awkward.  Story.  So, one of my best friends in the whole world, Garen, and I went to the temple to do baptisms and we were constantly referred to as each other's dates.  The temple worker man kept telling us how great of a "couple" we were that we would go on a date to the temple.  The whole time Garen and I would just kinda look at each other and chuckle, but on our way out, the awkward man told us once again, "thanks so much for making your date a temple trip (or something to that affect.) You guys are great...you gonna do a little hand-holding on your way out?  Okay bye!"
Alright.  Who says that?!  At that point, Garen and I just busted up laughing.  The awkwardness was tangible. They are cute old people just trying to build the kingdom of God, eh?  Kudos to them.  I think we were both bright red, and so we just kept walking out the door.   Anyway, it was just funny, and we had to laugh about it.

4.  First "hang-out" of the summer, my friend Becca and I sat on one couch for like 3 hours not really doing anything because we don't have friends.  We sat and named off people we could call, but all of our best friends were still at school, out of town, on missions, or just plain unavailable.  Awesome.  If that was a precursor of what the rest of the summer is going to be like, Becca Anne and I will get real close.   Haha, it's okay.  We set some excellent goals for the summer, and had some good laughs.  I'd just chill with Becs like that ANY night.  It really is going to be a fantastic summer!

5.  My sister's baby is due in three weeks!  Even though I already have 12 nieces and nephews, I get so excited for those new little ones to join us here on this adventure we call life.  So precious.  We don't know if it is a boy or a girl yet.  We will be surprised!  Look forward to more updates on that. :)

Well, those are just a few things (small to big) that have made me smile so far this summer.  More memories to come! Thanks for reading.  Cheers!