The following are things that have been on my mind as of late. Then I was asked to speak about them in church. It was an opportunity for me to try to verbalize some of the impressions I had been having for months prior and I was grateful to have been able to do it using some of the most beautiful doctrine and insights offered by a prophet of God. Later I added the other half. As you read, please do so with mercy in your heart. These things are vulnerable yet sacred things of my heart and I share them because its finally time.
I’ve been asked to speak on the talk given by Elder Holland a few years ago. The title of it is “Like a Broken Vessel.” This is a talk that hits home in so many personal and sacred ways for me and my family and it is about things I am very passionate about. As you probably know, this talk is about knowing how to best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love. What you may not know is that at just 9 years old, I was clinically diagnosed with OCD, severe anxiety and early-onset depression. So I hope to really dive into what Elder Holland says as well as tell some of the tender mercies I have seen in my own life.
He sets the stage for his talk and the overarching feeling of it, by stating that
“the apostle Peter wrote that disciples of Jesus Christ are to have ‘compassion one of another’” and that these are difficulties that no one can responsibly suggest would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively, though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking.”
Elder Holland says,
“However bewildering this all may be (speaking of the various forms of psychoses and neuroses), these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor.”
Elder Holland emphasizes that if you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek priesthood blessings and get the best medical care available. We are expected to use the wonderful resources available to us. On that same note, someone would seek that help from someone best suited to give medical advice for appendicitis. So it’s possible that we may not know enough about a very personal and vulnerable situation to judge the amount of faith someone has, or the way they are applying the atonement in their lives. I fear that sometimes in an effort to be right, those around us often forget that our ultimate goal is to have charity and one of the best ways to show charity is to withhold judgement. There is a lot of controversy and a lot of opinions in the world about the best ways to treat any sort of mental challenge. For one person, one thing may work better than for another and our perception of what is happening may not be completely accurate. For me, it took years to finally get a grasp on what treatments worked for me and to develop the skills necessary to live, what my parents and I prayerfully felt was a functioning life.
So in his talk, Elder Holland gives specific council on how to respond to these challenges. These points apply to both those who suffer with mental challenges, and to the loved ones around them, doing their best to help and love. I’ll summarize and point out 5 of them.
1 - “Never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend.”
The Lord has promised that he will not leave us comfortless. He knows what things will provide us with the most peace and happiness and He will provide those blessings. In his due time. However, he explains that, his ways are higher than our ways, and his thoughts higher than our thoughts. He knows what tests in this mortal life will ultimately lead us to become more like him, and which ones will make us stronger. One way I have seen God manifest His love for me during difficult times is particularly through angels - both seen and unseen. Friends and family and even at times strangers have provided me with unconditional love and support that has completely pierced my soul. These people strengthen my testimony and help me know of God’s love for me. We need to recognize the hand of the Lord in all things, but we also need to BE the hand. We need reach out to those around us realizing that we are all in need of the Savior, and we are ALL His children. God’s love is always there for us.
2 - “Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life.”
- Study the Book of Mormon with diligence. This will open up the gates of our hearts for the spirit to touch and comfort us. It is a book of truth, and therefore light. Even if the specific words in the particular scripture don’t bring comfort, reading it opens the way for the holy spirit to do so.
- Serve others. We must lose ourselves in the service of God in order to find ourselves. I recently learned about a girl named Jocie who at about 19 years old was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. This is the same young woman who in the Woman’s general session of conference, Sister Stephens spoke about. For days at a time Jocie, couldn’t find the strength to even get out of her bed. After years of searching for answers to her difficulties, she found the courage to step outside of herself and reach out to others to find joy in the journey. She founded what is called the 444 project, based on the scripture Alma 44:4 -
“Now ye see that this is the true faith of God; yea, ye see that God will support, and keep, and preserve us, so long as we are faithful unto him, and unto our faith, and our religion; and never will the Lord suffer that we shall be destroyed except we should fall into transgression and deny our faith.”
For her project, she travels all around the world, inviting others to reflect on the things that bring them joy and what good things help get them out of bed in the morning. She reminds them of the love of God and serves them by exemplifying it despite her own struggle to find light and peace. In D&C 19:23, the Lord explains that
“he who doeth the works of righteousness shall receive his reward, even peace in this world and eternal life in the world to come.”
- Practice Gratitude. Elder Holland said that
“Through any illness or difficult challenge, there is still much in life to be hopeful about and grateful for.”
Growing up, my mom always encouraged me to literally count my many blessings. She would tell me to sit down and write out all of my blessings big or small. I can’t tell you how many sticky notes from work are filled, and school class notes interrupted by little lists of things I had to remind myself were blessings I enjoyed. Even during dark times. These little lists were gifts to me. They helped me move on in the day and my spirit was quickly lifted and I was humbled to give thanks to my Lord for His love.
3 - “Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well being and ask for and cherish priesthood blessings.”
When I was only 9 years old, I had an experience that was just the beginning of years and years and years of struggle. My family was having FHE on a Monday night and I broke down into a complete panic attack. I was completely overcome with a feeling of suffocation and despair. At 9 years old. I didn’t even know what the word “suicide” was, and yet I became completely lost in not wanting to have to deal with the pain I was feeling and to just return home with Heavenly Father. In that moment, my dad stopped our family home evening to give me a priesthood blessing. In between my sobs, I remember him telling me that the Savior carried out the atonement for me, and that in the Garden of Gethsemene He had felt what I was feeling. My dad promised that Jesus knew and loved me. I remember my sobs slowing, and my breaths becoming deeper and longer as a feeling of calm and peace filled my soul. I was finally able to fall asleep on the sheepskin rug on my parents’ floor - a place I would sleep for months at a time in the next several years. We determined we needed to seek the counsel of my bishop. He obviously wasn’t trained in therapy or in mental disorder, but he did have stewardship over me and he was able to connect my family with an LDS family therapist, a woman who I still to this day, refer to as “my Lisa.” She was my children’s therapist for years, and inspired my desire to study social work and help others in a similar way. She was one of my God-given, Priesthood-leader-inspired angels.
4 - “Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”
Elder Bednar explains that “the ordinances of salvation and exaltation administered in the Lord’s restored Church are far more than rituals or symbolic performances. Rather, they constitute authorized channels through which the blessings and powers of heaven can flow into our individual lives.”
I know of nothing else that can call upon the power of God into our troubled lives than priesthood authorized ordinances, also including temple service and worship. As far as the atonement goes, it is one of the basic principles of our gospel, and for me, it was only when I was reminded that the Lord knew perfectly my pain, that I was able to find a bit of peace. The Lord pleads for us to let Him heal us. Sister Stephens refers to Jocie, as I did before, who said that her mother so badly wanted to bear her pain and Jocie was deeply impressed to tell her mother, “You don’t have to, someone already has.” In that moment, the spirit testified to her that Jesus Christ carries our burden’s because of his love and willingness to undergo all of our pain. Cast your burden’s at his feet and trust in His promises to relieve us. In his due time.
5 - “Believe in Miracles.”
President Monson says that Faith always precedes the miracles, so believe that the miraculous stories told of Christ healing the sick, still happen today and that they can happen for you and your loved ones as well.
Elder Holland closes by saying that,
“though we may feel we are like a broken vessel, as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgemental and kind.”
I would also add, are we not all broken? As King Benjamin says,
“Are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same being, even God?” I know that each of us is on a journey of healing and that true healing and happiness comes only from Jesus Christ and the blessings, resources and inspiration He provides for us. We are also told to have joy in this life and what Elder Holland said are some great places to start in proactively obeying that counsel. I know Christ is never unaware of our suffering. A sparrow does not fall to the earth except He knows it. I also know that difficult times can bring us closer to Him and shape us to be exactly who He needs us to be. I know of these things for myself because I have felt them and the Spirit has born witness of them to me personally. If these are things that you don’t know yet, or are unsure about, stick with it. Trust that God will show his hand. In his due time. I testify of His love and tenderness and friendship and miracles and pray that we can all be faithful, merciful, and joyful through Him.
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I've become more and more...aware...I guess you could say of the mental struggles I face. Not that my anxiety or depression has increased significantly - it has always fluctuated - but I have just become more cognizant of it in my life. Every single day there are things that I do or feel or say that are results of these disorders. To be honest I don't always realize it because They have sort of just become part of who I am. Early on I learned to function with them in my life and I have made it work. And it has worked.
Only a few months ago was I reminded that not everyone has the same views as I do about how the mind works, and about how to respond when someone around them has these burdens, or in my mind, blessings. Having graduated from social work, I know many of the differing views. I am aware of, and have studied about the various controversies about mental health and where it stems from, how it should be handled so on and so forth. You'd think I would have known better than to just assume everyone I interacted with would be accepting of this "baggage" of mine.
I have grown up being constantly surrounded by friends and family who immediately opened up to this part of me, who loved me not just despite it, but in some situations, more so because of it. My friends have made me feel completely "normal" and I have always been able to just be myself with them. They have taken me in in every way possible and I am forever grateful for them. People who are close to me quickly learn my languages of receiving love and know that they often revolve around my anxiety, OCD, and depression. And boy, did/do they know how to show me that love. As my brother says, as he pats me on the head in the most endearing way possible... “constant validation is key with this one.” haha (we have come a long way since him calling me OCD when I was 7 years old. I was so offended by that).
I won't go into detail, but several months ago, as I mentioned before, someone I cared a lot about saw things differently than than the people closest to me, and I, see things. I recognize and honestly appreciate that everyone has their own experiences and that those experiences shape their understandings of things. I don't hold bitterness toward people who have learned things differently, but different experiences don't change the fact that I am far more than the labels on my medication bottles. No matter how much I tried to explain that I live an extremely happy, functional life, and that my disorders have only enlarged my heart and that I chose a career path as an effort only to help others, it was hard for our relationship to progress. Then I learned that I shouldn’t have to defend or explain myself. At first I was angry and extremely hurt. In all my years of dealing with this, I have never been made to feel so “different” or so defined by these difficulties. I felt a self-consciousness that I hadnt felt since I was a little girl barely learning about what these disorders even were, and that I had early onset versions of them. I felt ashamed and questioned so much about my whole being that for a bit I had a hard time trusting people with this very vulnerable information. Then my anger turned to sorrow. A type of Godly sorrow, I feel. I felt sorry for anyone who limited not me, but themselves, by not embracing...me. Even some of my weaknesses that I work every day to apply the atonement to, to make easier. Much of the good of who I am comes from these burdens/blessings and the world of Hannah Joy Russon is far more than me just meeting that threshold of stress that I can handle before having to take a step back and allowing myself to reset. It's more than me becoming fixated on ideas or concerns, then sometimes crossing lines while trying to be in complete control of those things. More than the face that I sometimes put on while trying to not be consumed by what is going on inside of me. It’s more than me completely crashing and introverting after a long, hard week. It’s me getting up and being better than I was before because of it. It’s me learning skills necessary to turn my stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
My anxiety scares me in the workplace. It scares me in dating. How will people respond? How will these things interfere? How can I show people to not only look past these things, but to try to look with, or along side of them...to really know that this is not a filter to look at Hannah through, but is rather part of the picture itself...and it's beautiful.
For me, I have learned to try to greet pain as the occasional visitation of an old friend. A friend who has pushed me to my limits and stretched me and who, most importantly, has introduced me to another who also knows it well. It is Him and our Father’s plan that I chose. Pain in this life sometimes reminds me of that. It reminds me that I am quite alive and there is great power in that. I wouldn’t have the relationship with my Savior that I do now, had I not been drawn to my knees at such a young tender age. To really know and understand pain is possibly one of the greatest gifts of our mortal experiences. Without it we wouldn’t know joy. I always pray that when I see the presence of pain in others’ lives, I will recognize it, and not turn away from it, but do my best to help lift, love, and encourage them. Perhaps help quicken their coming to know the Savior as well. No one can truly determine the amount of someone else’s applying the atonement of Christ (except maybe an authorized Priesthood leader). One person may get up out of bed and live a seemingly normal life, another person may be bed-ridden for weeks at a time. The two may have equally sacred relationships with God.
So, having said all of this, this post is not a way for me to try to convince myself of what I want to believe. It’s what I know about myself and what I have felt as I have gotten to know others in some of the most painful situations this life has to offer. It’s not a post to belittle or deny the differences that we all have in the way we have been raised or what views have been instilled in our minds. Quite the opposite, actually. Its more of a prayer for people to just try to understand - to just try to embrace peoples’ stories and see the good in them, no matter what they may be. This journey is a hard one and the least any of us can do is see that we may not know the whole truth in someone else’s situation and that we should love them for the divine beings they are rather than just the “convenient” parts of them. The least we can do is try to bring others closer to Christ by sharing His love and mercy with them. Because truly, are we not all broken? Are we not all beggars requiring as much of that love as possible? How wonderful it be to one day rejoice with one another in our perfected states. Until then...hello pain, my old friend.
