Progress

Two steps forward and one step back.

Sometimes its okay to cry and again be fragile.

Sometimes you have to acknowledge the heart attack

because being brave and strong is usually how it's handled,

then everything is torn up by a dream or two in your sleep.

So you lay down in the dark listening to your favorite love songs

trying to pretend they don't have the same meaning they used to keep.

A plan is what you had, how do you let go of something that lasted so long?

You've "tasted flight" as they all say,

and until you're back in the air you do all you can to fly.

Move.

Try, try, try.

What are you trying to prove?

It's fine because most of the time you do.

But today was a bit of a haze.

You felt feelings you aren't supposed to feel anymore.

You don't even know when you'll get back everything you gave.

You give and you give what's already been gone.

Yet regret.  There's none of that, learning is what it was for.

Now you wonder if the step back was so wrong.

What if things are not quite as you thought?

Well honestly you don't know - you haven't all along.

 You can't just go by the opinions you've always fought.  

It's your heart.  God's too. 

He walks you through.  

So you step up to tomorrow, you move yet again.

Sleeves are rolled up and who knows where the future will go.

But it's hopeful as the sun that comes up, the world to mend.

Now you choose to be happy, because we all know...

we reap what we sew.

Two steps forward and one step back.

A Man is Stronger on His Knees, Than He is on His Feet

I'm fairly ashamed to say that for the longest time, I said my personal prayers without kneeling.  I have always grown up seeing my mom and dad kneel to say their personal prayers - at the beginning of the day before work, or before starting the daily chores, and at the end of the day when they could barely think straight.  I've always known that kneeling is the best way, that it shows respect to God, that it is reverent to do so, and all of those things.  But.  I have always just hopped in bed to say them, or if anything, sit up or kneel in my bed.  Of course, we all know what happens when you try to say your prayers while laying down.  You fall asleep.  Some mornings I would even notice myself finishing that fragmented prayer between pushing the snooze button.  I would always say my morning prayers (once I finally learned that lesson - that I couldn't NOT say my morning prayers without it greatly impacting my day) in the car, or on the bus, or walking to campus.   I guess I just sort of justified - as if it were some sort of "understanding between me and Heavenly Father" or that "that's just how our relationship is."  Oh, lanta.  How ridiculous is that.  Im cringing.  Like, gagging a little bit.  If you don't know what deception is - that's it.  Oh, but He was kind.  I know Heavenly Father still listened.  He never ceased to show me His love or answer my prayers.  He waited patiently for me to learn my lesson....which, I did.  One day when I was studying in 3rd Nephi, I read the scriptures about Christ going off on His own and  kneeling to pray to His father.  They were scriptures that I had read many times, but it hit me so hard that day!  If our Savior, the king of kings himself, kneels to our Father in Heaven...then I am dust!  Well, I sure wished to be dust at that moment because at least dust does exactly what the Lord expects it to.  Who am I to not kneel?  How selfish I had been?!  Now, I think the chastisement I put on myself was even more harsh than the gentle reminder that the Lord had to give me in that moment, but I sure realized how important it was for me to kneel when I can.  

Let me tell you something...it has made all the difference.  My relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ has changed.  I LOVE kneeling, on my own, morning and night, to talk to my Father.  I love it!  Probably some of my favorite parts of the day.  I was only hurting myself by not kneeling before!  Now, of course sometimes I forget to kneel before running out the door in the morning, or sometimes I'm too cold, and just have to hop under my covers!  And of course, my prayers throughout the day - when I'm in class, or in a specific situation, or not at home - are just said in my heart, but even those prayers have seemed more meaningful because I have chosen to kneel when I can.  The communication line just got so much clearer!  Sahhh-weeeeet!!!!    

Guys, I'm not telling this story to do a big awkward confession, or to boast of my magnificent epiphany or whatevers haha.  I'm telling it to share that I know that from small things come GREAT things.  Oh, the lessons we learn in this life...sometimes over and over and over again because we are goofball humans.  Also, to share how real deception is!  What?!  Not me, I don't get decieved.  HA!  Yes, yes you do.  In little itty bitty ways.  In tiny, justification-you-don't-think-it-has-to-apply-to-you ways....IT ALL APPLIIIIIIES!!!  :)  Always.  Because God is good and He loves us, that's why.  

Shout Out....

This is Shandee.  AKA Shand.  AKA Shandu.  AKA Shaunaaaay.  AKA my sister.  AKA my best friend.

Shandee is eleven years older than me, and my only true blood sister (I say that because I have lots of sisters of the not blood, or in-law kind).  Shandee and I are as different as you can imagine, and yet we still find little moments when we realize how very alike we actually are.  I have loved that now that I am older, we can relate on a lot more levels and we love talking.  She and my mom are usually the first people I go to when I am in some sort of dilemma.  Guys, she really is just fantastic.  Let me tell you a few reasons why:
Shandee is a wife.  And mommy.  She is a good at both of those.  One of my favorite things about watching Shand be a mommy is how much she plays with her babes.  A lot of times you see mommies just being mommies and ya know, taking are of the kids and teaching them what is okay and what isnt' and yeah of course Shandee does an amazing job at that.  Obviously.  But she is so good at really playing with her kids.  She is a "cool" mom.
She is funny!!!!  We have the exact same laugh and when we get goin' together, there is no stopping us.    She is goofy and brings out the goofy in me and I love it.  She keeps our family laughing with her silly voices and funny dances.
Shandee is a constant friend.  For example, when Shandee was in high school she was a part of the peer tutoring program and became best friends with one of the sweetest angel girls you could ever meet.  To this day, Jenny calls Shandee several times a day because she knows Shandee will always be a resource and friend for her.  Shandee still schedules special time to be with Jenny.  Jenny knows each of Shandees kids by name, and frequently has all of our family go to her family's house to play.  Shand loves Jenny and anyone else for that matter in the most Christ-like ways.  She fulfills her callings, she serves, she is everyone's best friend in her ward, and everyone just loves her.  No one could ever speak unkind words about Shand.  She is just too great!
Now. Speaking of Christ-like.  Shandee has one of the most tender hearts in the world.  There have been several times that I have gone to her with some trouble or concern or heartache and while I cry to her, she cries too.  I've seen her do that with others too.  To me, that is an extremely unique and special gift.  She truly mourns with those who mourn.  She is extremely empathic - a quality I personally work hard to attain.  For her it is the most natural thing in the world.  She loves deeply, openly, and actively.
I so admire my older sister.  I truly feel that so much of who I am goes back to who I watched my sister be.  She was the perfect example to me.  I don't know if I've ever told her this properly, but I loved hoping and thinking that I was maybe becoming like her - music she listened to, clothes she wore, make-up she put on, but mostly the testimony that she lived by.  So many times when I was little, I would walk past my sister's room (later to climb in bed with her because I got scared) and she would be reading her scriptures or kneeling at her bed in prayer.  I honestly don't remember a ton of things from when I was little, but some of my most vivid memories are of my sister - just little things like her cleaning her room while listening to Shania Twain, being so proud of my big sis when she was up dancing on the stage, and us practicing our little "sister, sister" secret handshake.  These are the images I think of when I think of my Shandee.  She is incredible.  Incredible, I tell you!
So just so you know, Shandee Lynn, you are my big sister.  FOREVER!  I couldn't be more blessed.
I sure love you!

My thoughts lately...cept not MY thoughts cuz it's a quote.

She Changed US - a summer miracle

I have been wanting to tell this story for a while now, but have had a hard time knowing how to say some of the special feelings I have.  Knowing that expressing them isn't really possible, I'll just do my best. :)

This is Dita:

(She came to my family's 24th of July bbq)

 This summer I was staying at my friend Cami's house while my parents were out of town.  One morning my Cami was up way earlier than I was and heard a big commotion out on the busy street in front of her house.  She grabbed her dad who is a doctor and they ran out to find a crowd around a girl who had just been cruising down a hill on her bike, lost control and hit a bus that was pulling from a stop at the bottom of the hill.  This girl was from Latvia and here for the summer for work.  She was staying with a family in my friends ward.  After the accident, ward members, Cami's family and I were able to rally around her and help her during her healing process.  She received a priesthood blessing that night and recognized the spirit immediately.  They got done and she said “what did you do to me?!  I feel so warm!”  The Lord had prepared her to receive the gospel.  It was because of this big accident which ended up causing her a lot of pain and discouragement and even the need to quit her sales job, that she was exposed to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I was able to witness her conversion as we and the missionaries worked with her.  She was baptized right before going back to her country at the end of the summer.  At her baptism she tearfully said that she would be hit by a bus again and again because it brought her to Christ.   
Now, this is the short version of the story.  There are details and miracles along the way but I just don't know where to begin.  I was so grateful for the opportunities that I had to share my testimony and learn and grow with Dita.  I was constantly reminded of how very close the Lord is to each of us - how He plans out the details of our lives, sometimes even down to the smallest of moments.  I was experiencing some hard things at the time, but was reminded in a very tender moment that if the Lord loves this girl, and has prepared her to receive the gospel, then He loves me and has a perfect plan for me too.  Mostly I loved seeing how much healing and joy Dita received from the gospel.  I loved seeing how much she loved the Savior.  She was a delight to be around.  She reminded me about what was important.  She brought me back down to earth.  She taught me to see things simply, to not complicate things, and to just feel.  Apparently she did this for all of Centerville too because half of the city showed up to her baptism.   Everyone who met her, even if it was just while she was out doing door-to-door sales, was touched by her light.  
While it may seem that all the miracles happened on her behalf - that she was the only one to have gained - this girl came to little old Centerville, where the majority of us have grown up with the gospel in our lives, and reminded us where true joy is found.  That the gospel brings new happiness every day, even when we have never had to be without it, or even when we experience "monkies" as she would affectionately call hard times.  She reminded us to not be complacent.  She helped us remember!  
I had prayed for an opportunity like this, and still continue to.  I'm so grateful that the Lord allows us to be involved in this joyous work.  It is happiness.  
Dita is back in Latvia now, and I don't know if I will ever see her again in this life, but we are sisters, she and I.  I am forever humbled and grateful.

Cami, me, Dita, Meredith at the Conference Center theatre

Ships

I have been so unbelievably spiritually fed in this last week, and General Conference hasn't even happened yet!  I feel so blessed.  Yesterday our stake had a home evening with the stake president and his wife.  I love President and Sister Green.  They are the cutest, most tender, most in love couples I have ever seen.  They tease and are hilarious with each other, but the Spirit is ever there when they are. Together they gave a talk about families and not building them "after the manner of men," but instead building them like the three ships built in scriptural history:  Noah's ark, Nephi's ship, and the brother of Jared's barges.  We need to build them from the instruction we get from the Lord.  We need to build them tight like unto a dish.  We need to operate them by faith.  Among the stories and many profound words they said, my favorites were said after we read these verses from Ether chapter 6:

 6 And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind.

 7 And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being^atight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the ^barkof Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters.

 8 And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were ^adriven forth before the wind.

President Green closed with this: 

"Please remember the concept and truth that the very wind that continuously blew them to the Promised Land, was the same wind that caused the waves to bury them.  Lehi explained that there needs be opposition in all things." 

The Lord is in charge, and always provides a way for us even in our darkest times.  The stones that lit the barges were not only sources of light, but there were witnesses of God's existence and we still have those stones today in our everyday lives.  President Green and his wife said that one night when they were brand new married, they decided to kneel down and dedicate their marriage and lives to the Lord. I'm so excited to one day do the same.  

Oh.  And remember....