"For I Saw Him and I Heard His Voice"

I just love General Conference.  Don't you?   Not only does it strengthen my resolve to be a better person in the future, but it also makes me think back to the moments when I gained my testimony about the most fundamental principles of the gospel.  Elder Neil L. Anderson's talk did that for me this time.  He spoke all about Joseph Smith, remember?  He mentioned that we must all gain a testimony of Joseph Smith in our own way.  He then listed a few examples of how that is done.  When he said this, I was taken back to the very moment I knew without a doubt that Joseph Smith was a prophet of a living God.

I was just thirteen.  My family flew out to Nauvoo Illinois to participate in the Nauvoo Pageant.   I loved learning the songs, making new friends, staying up late playing signs, and visiting various church historical sights.  We would spend only two weeks there.  One week learning the pageant and one week performing it.  I have never sweat so much in my whole life!  

One of the Sundays we were there, there was what they called a Sunday Sociable.  It's now called "Our Story Goes On," but it was just the first year they did it so it was still being developed.  It forever has a special place in my heart and I go to see it whenever I can.  It was basically a medley of well-known broadway show-tunes put to a script about life and love and the pursuit of happiness, to put it simply.   A few church songs were also added or written to be included in the program.   I remember loving the songs and the uplifting messages but there was one that, as cliche as it sounds, changed my life.  The man who played Joseph Smith, Dallyn Bayles - a man who I knew well from Savior of the World and who I already greatly admired - got up to sing.  It was a song being sung as if by Joseph Smith himself.  It was Joseph telling his story.  "As a boy alone in a quiet grove, I knelt in earnest prayer..." He sang the words, 

"For I saw Him and I heard His voice.  And the answers that He gave me made my heart rejoice.  So now I testify.  I'll tell the world until my dying day.  I have seen Him - the truth, the light, the way." 

Immediately upon hearing him sing, "I saw Him and I heard His voice," I was completely overcome - head to toe - with a feeling I had never felt before.  It wasn't a line upon line, precept upon precept acquiring of knowledge.  It was all there.  Right then.  I knew it was true.  I knew Joseph Smith was a prophet of God who saw my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.  He saw them!  I was able to see Dallyn as Joseph Smith and hear his story as if it was him telling me.  Instead it was the Holy Spirit confirming to me that what I had been singing and dancing about for those two weeks was real.  I could taste it.  I couldn't control the tears.  I wept during the whole song.  It was one of those moments that I have previously talked about, where the ground shook.  At least it seemed to.  I ran up to my dorm room and cried and cried - my awkward little body didn't know how to handle this new feeling!  I felt like I was going to burst!  I wrote in my journal, and this is directly from it, "Christ is real and I feel so close to Him now than I ever have before.  Joseph Smith is real and I love him so much.  When I see him, I will thank him and hug him."  I grew such a strong, deep love and appreciation for the prophet of the restoration that day.  Most importantly, I recognized that if he was real, the Book of Mormon was true and I had an older brother and redeemer who loved me.  I felt what Joseph Smith said himself about being completely unable to deny the truth he knew.  

At the time I didn't know how unbelievably crucial this experience would be to my entire testimony, but I can honestly say that it was one of the most important moments and the beginning of my true conversion.  Everything changed after that.  Ever since then, I have never had a doubt in my mind that Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon and saw God the Father and His Son.  Not a doubt.  It is instilled in my heart forever.  I think about Nauvoo and that moment often.  I can still smell it in certain hairsprays or lotions, the songs still get stuck in my head, and I thrill whenever someone tells me they are going to see or be in it...but nothing is as much a part of me as that bit of truth I learned that day.  Not much younger than he was when he was introduced to this gospel, it became real to me that day and has been ever since.  

How grateful I am for the miracle moments we are blessed with.  Moments when the Lord teaches us the most important things we can possibly learn.  I know Joseph Smith was a prophet of God.  He translated the Book of Mormon.  He saw and heard Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  They live and it does, indeed, "make my heart rejoice."

#weddingweekend

So there was this one time when one of my best friends got married and then another one of my best friends got married the day after that.  For both weddings I was a bridesmaid and, don't get me wrong I loved it, but I am exhausted!  I have kinda been crashing today.  My cute roommate kellie-Jo got married and Meredith, a friend from savior of the world and roommate from Provo got married as well.  For both brides I was in charge of their bachelorette parties and had a blast throwing them!  Here are some pics!  

                                

                             

                             

                                  

Then came their weddings!!  Kellie's was first and got to do her hair and make-up! That was fun to be apart of despite going to bed at 2:30 and having to wake up at 4:20.

                               

                                  

                             

I adore Mark and my Kell Bell.  It's amazing to me how easy it was for kellie and I to connect when I moved in.  Her other two bridesmaids were her sister and her best friend since 7th grade so the fact that she chose me as one of them was so sweet.  We really did become dear friends quickly.  The reception was a blast and I even got to stand in the line!

                                   

                                   

                                    

                                  

                     

Then Mere's!  I have loved watching Meredith and Steve together.  He truly treats her like gold.  Even the way he speaks to her - the tone he uses.  He is so kind to her.  And they are hilarious to watch too.  It was an honor to be included in all of their festivities as well.  It was also fun because Meredith and I know a lot of the same people from savior of the world so it was a bit of a reunion!  Pics ahead: 

                   

                                   

                                  

What fun times.  Remind me that I HAVE to have a dance party at my wedding reception.  It's necessary.  So fun.  On a more serious note about attending a temple sealing for the first time.  It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  The veil was thin and it was so apparent that those marriages were of God - His presence and approval could be felt throughout all of the celebrations. The promises and blessings made in that ceremony are worth any sacrifice that could be asked of us.  I loved watching such dear friends experience such beautiful and eternal things.  I love the temple and I love love and I love our Heavenly Father's perfect plan!  

Now to go catch up on some much needed sleep....

Currently

Doing:  driving home from North Dakota

Looking at:  wide open spaces.  It's Wyoming.  The sunset is nice though.

Listening to:  Don't Stop Believing Glee cast version.  Haha remember when my VHS mads tried to sing that song?!  HA!!  

Eating:  nothing.  Starving.  

Feeling:  pain.  In my booty.  Tired bum, anyone?  

Wishing:  I had a large plate of fresh fruit in front of me.  

Wanting:  that boy to text me.  

Needing:  to lose a good 10ish pounds before by best friends wedding in August.  

Loving:  that new nephew of mine, holding my momma's hand WHEREever we go, the fact that several of my art pieces have sold in a boutique, and Ellie Goulding.  

Despising:  tired bum. 

Learning:  my soul.

Okay!  Well that about sums it up as far as currently current goes.  On a more general note, I am living at home for the summer and working for my dad at the mortuary.  I digitalize old pre-need records.  Sometimes I have to do some detective work and find out whether or not someone is still alive or not.  For that I look in a big ol black book of every person who has passed away and used Russon Brothers since the 30's.  Yeah.  It's a pretty cool book.  Along with that I get commissioned to so hand-lettering and watercolor art pieces.  Several of them are on sell at a boutique near my home town.  That's great fun and has brought a lot of satisfaction to me.  I set aside a couple of days of the week to stay caught up on those.  Other than that, I play with my family (Scott and Shandee are living with us until they move into their new home only 5 minutes away!), play with friends, and try to figure out what exactly I am supposed to be doing in this thing we call life.  I am learning more and more about myself everyday and find that so extremely important.  I'm single as ever...trying not to be...but also trying to be patient with the Lord's timing and plan for me.  Several things in the last few months have put me in a weird spot where I beat myself up a lot.  I compare, compare, compare.  I didn't used to be that way and I'm slowly crawlin out of that.  Slowly embracing all of Hannah again and that feels good.  It's all progress isn't it?  If we allow it to be.  

Anyway.  After summer, I'll go back to good ol Utah State University for my LAST year in undergrad!!  Whaaaa???!!  I'm so excited.  Shoot!  I'm running out of time to become a true aggie!!  After graduation????  Well...that's for another post.  Bet you can't wait to hear about that!!  Let's just remember that sometimes our own plans are not the Lord's and He is kind enough to let us know.  A hecka lot of that has been happening in my life this last year and boy, under God's wing is a good place to  be.  Know what I'm sayin?  

Well that's my currently post.  Stay tuned for my post grad school post!!  Woot!  Make it a good day, kids. 

Men and Women Alike...or should I say...Men and Women Different?

I need to get this down while my heart is so full.  I have been thinking about this post for a good while now, knowing that I needed to defend my beliefs, but not knowing exactly what words to use.  I have written, revised, and re-written what I think might be okay to say in order to explain why I believe women do not need to hold the Priesthood.  Let me start by sharing a little experience I had the other day.
Several of my friends and I drove down to Zion's National Park for a fun weekend getaway of enjoying God's good green (and red rock) earth.  We decided to hike the narrows - a hike that is 60% wading through water in a river.  The hike is beautiful, but finding the right footing in the bottom of the rocky/slick river can be pretty difficult.  We young adults slipped and lost our balance multiple times throughout the hike.  After we reached a certain point we turned to head back down to the base of the water hike but found an older woman sitting on the ground with her wrist in the freezing water.  She and her husband were hiking the river when she fell and broke her wrist.  We immediately offered her some ibuprofen and asked what we could do to help.  Her husband was making a sling out of a plastic bag when my cute CNA girl friend whipped out her first aid kit.  I watched as she kindly spoke to the lady and as she gently wrapped her arm in a sling and cushioned her elbow with a towel.  She was one prepared woman!  She nurtured that sweet old lady and provided her care when she needed it.  Half of us then walked further down the river while we waited for the rest of our group to come down with her.  I turned around and watched as my sweet friends formed a safety circle around her:  two of my good strong, guy friends held on to her waist and arms on either side of her as she made her way down those slippery rocks.  Imagine the comfort she felt knowing that if she did misstep, those good young men would be there to protect and stabilize her and not let her fall yet again.  I was so  overwhelmed with gratitude for those good boys who would be tender enough to offer this woman, a complete stranger, their strength when she needed it.  My mind immediately went to the Priesthood.  The Priesthood of God is never about benefitting and blessing ourselves.  Anyone who is benefitted from this power of God is benefitted at the hand of another.  The Priesthood is not about woman being "strong" or "prepared" enough as men.   It is not about women earning more responsibility and being promoted.   It is about blessing the lives of others.  The other girls on the scene at the hike were not competing or thinking they should be the ones holding on to the woman going down the river.  Everyone's priority was simply to get the woman the help she needed - everyone's individual gifts and abilities involved.  Woman with her preparedness and nurturing abilities.  Men with their strength, sense of duty, and willingness to help.
 The priesthood is about serving others and we women offer other gifts and ways to serve others that men do not.  God given gifts and abilities.  But besides that, it's not a competition.  Nothing about this gospel is a competition.  Our true competition is against sin.  And ALL men and women alike, high status or low, prophet or nursery leader have been drafted to fight in that competition.  I support my Priesthood holders.  I love watching the young boys pass the sacrament and serve us.  I love feeling the protection of a humble man of God righteously using this gift.  Yes it is a privilege for these men to hold the Priesthood, but I consider it an extreme privilege to be the recipient of the blessings that come from supporting and watching and encouraging the practice of Priesthood authority and ordinances -  even if I am not ordained as a Priesthood holder myself.  They are not the Priesthood.  They hold it, yes.  But it is God's power and we honor Him and His designs.
Despite "the need to be needed" (that everyone innately has) and my personal desire to give all that I can to this gospel, I do not feel inferior and discriminated against.  I do not feel that I am less needed because I don't hold the Priesthood.  Why?  This is what it comes down to:  I know my Savior Jesus Christ.  I have a good enough relationship with Him to know that He is not a being to oppress, discriminate or be unfair in any way.  He suffered for the very cause of justice.  I encourage, no plea with, you to come to know Him as well.  Come to know of His love.  Faithfully seek for answers of truth, not for answers of power and validation.  Come to know of your value to Him.
What are each of our priorities?  To be recognized with certain authorities?  To be considered equal?  To have numbers and statistics be exactly matched?  Those are not Christ's priorities.  Just like with my friends and the woman who broke her wrist - their priority being her comfort - Christ's priorities are each one of us.  People matter.  Not status or title.  The building of God's kingdom, requiring all of us men and women alike (or should I say different), should be our priority as well.   The perfecting of the saints - everyone's individual gifts and abilities involved.  It comes down to each of us becoming more like our Savior and preparing to meet Him again.  It is about helping each other get there as well by practicing the pure love of Christ.
I love the Priesthood of God.  I love watching my sweet male friends honor it and honor God - they seem to glow with the future godliness inside of them.  I stand by them.  I support them and offer the individual gifts all of us women can give as well.  I support the prophet and his counselors.  They are called of God.  They are His mouthpieces and I will crawl to follow them.   Joseph Smith was not just ahead of his time (a time when woman's rankings were just above prisoners) when he gave women places in the church, when his wife Emma was commanded by personal revelation to help in the building of Christ's church.  It was necessary and prophetic.  We pray and speak and expand scriptures.  We serve missions, we work in the temple, we create human beings, we kiss scraped knees, and wrap broken wrists.  Does this sound like a church that oppresses women?  Does this sound like a church that holds women back? (See Sherri Dew's "What Do LDS Women Get?" video HERE). No.  Not to me.
God has His own agenda, and if women were ever to receive the Priesthood, and I firmly believe that will not happen in this earth life, it wouldnt be because the human race petitioned it.  It would be in His time and way.
I know He loves us with a perfect love that we cannot comprehend and that He has a plan and divine assignment for each of us.  Man and woman alike...
Different.  

"Look to God and Live"

     One bible story that has always amazed me, especially the way it is talked about in Alma 33, is the story of the fiery serpents and the brass serpent.  The account in Numbers 21 explains how many of the people of Israel were sinful, so the Lord sent serpents as punishment.  Many of the people were killed from being bitten by these serpents, but Moses prayed and was instructed to make a brass serpent for the sick people to simply look to.  That's it.  All they had to to do was look at it and they would be healed.  The accounts in Alma are my favorite.  Alma 33: 19 - 22 says, 

19.  Behold, he was spoken of by Moses; and behold a type was raised up in the wilderness, that whosoever would look upon it might live.  And many did look and live.  

20.  But few understood the meaning of those things and this because of the hardness of their hearts.  But there were many who were so hardened that they would not look, therefore they perished.  Now the reason they would not look is because they did not believe that it would heal them.   

21.  Oh my brethren, if ye could be healed by merely casting about your eyes that ye might be healed, would ye not behold quickly, or would ye rather harden your hearts in unbelief and be slothful, that ye would not cast about your eyes, that ye might perish?

22.  If so, wo shall come upon you; but if not so, then cast about your eyes and begin to believe in the Son of God, that he will come to redeem his people, and that he shall suffer and die to atone for their sins; and that he shall rise again from the dead, which has bring to pass the resurrection, that all men shall stand before him, to be judged at the last and judgment day, according to their works.   

     1Nephi 17:41 reads:

41.  ...[the Lord] prepared a way that they might be healed; and the labor which they had to perform was to look; and because of the simpleness of the way, or the easiness of it, there were many who perished.  

     Those who refused to look saw the healing power the Lord had prepared for them and I'm sure they were happy for their loved ones being healed, yet they wouldn't be healed themselves.  Why?  It's so easy just to look!  They just had to look.  In the past whenever I have read this I have just been dumbfounded at...well...how dumb they were NOT to look!!!  However I look back at the last several months and realize that I have related to them as well.  Their hearts were hardened, perhaps mostly against themselves.  We can be so hard on ourselves.  Perhaps they didn't believe they were deserving of such healing.  

     I think of how often I will sit down with a dear friend and testify with all that I am that the atonement of Jesus Christ can work for them - that if they keep their covenants they can be happy - these are things I know with all my heart.  Yet, when it comes to my sorrows, insecurities, and hurts, I forget that the plan of happiness is not just for everyone else, but it is for me.  Christ will heal even me.  

     This has been a humbling yet empowering realization for me.  Our Savior and older brother is in this with me - not just the people around me.  We are in this together and I am His.  Making a constant effort to have my focus and vision be on Him has made such a big difference for me in the last several nights.  I too can be healed.  

     I need Him and the way is simple.  It is through Him and only Him.  Whatever else I don't "understand" at this time...whatever else may not be "simple" in my mind...well, I still look.  Eye on the target, I will believe that Christ's miracles will work for me too - that He loves ME enough to make me happy as well.

I will allow myself to do as it says in Alma 37, and "look to God and live." 

The Ground Shook

In Mosiah 27:11 of the Book of Mormon, there is an account of Alma the younger who had a life-altering spiritual moment.  An angel visited him in his wickedness and called him to repentance.  The account says the angel "spake as it were with a voice of thunder, which caused the earth to shake upon which they stood."  It was a moment of truth that changed him began and his conversion to the gospel.  As soon as he was again conscious he spent his days preaching the words of Christ and sharing with others the joy of the gospel.  Only four years after the time of this account, he exclaims his desire to bring others unto Christ by saying, "O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people" (Alma 29:1).  Why did Alma express such a desire?  Because he wanted others to have the experience he had.  He wanted others to feel the earth shake as well - to feel what he felt - so much that he even used the same phraseology.

My stake president told us, in his last fireside as our stake president, about how a boy once came to him and said, "President Greene, why don't we have those kinds of experiences more in these days?  Why don't we see angels and why does the earth no longer shake?"  President Green said that he didn't really have an answer for him except that he thought about his mission as a young man.  He said that the majority of the lessons he has learned from his mission, he realized and came to understand after his mission - looking back.  He said that in a way, those experiences were no less life-altering than Alma's experience - that they were precious.  I can't really remember what else he said after that, or exactly what his point was, but all I could think about were those instances in my life.  No, we can't always pinpoint the exact times we came to know something about the gospel.  Usually we learn "line upon line and precept upon precept," but I can probably count on one hand the number of times when specific truths and principles were so instilled in my soul at that instant, nothing in the world could make me question the feelings I had just come to know for myself.  Moments when I felt so connected to heaven and to the Savior of the World that I was certain that if I were to turn around angels would be surrounding me.  Moments when I knew who exactly who I was, why I am here, and where I am going.  I think of those moments and they sustain me.  They are what I look back on to remember that I know and now I need to share...to help others know.   I think of those moments and for me...
The earth did indeed
shake.

Interest is Different than Like

Let's talk about something for a small moment here.  I have learned a small something about myself.  Sometimes entering potential relationships, I get scared.  Like super scared like a small child.  I back waaaaaay off, want to run away from everything, and hide under a rock.  Whyyyyy?  Pressure.  Expectation.  And above all...SPEED.   What the heck?!!
Take me on a few real dates before you try to cuddle with me!  That's right, I said a few.  Make sure you actually, you know, like me before you put your arm all up around me.  Let there be a bit of suspense and guessing and giddiness - no, I'm not talking about the game - I'm talking about courtship.  The real kind where I have to start asking myself, "well is he ever going to hold my hand?"  Then when you do, I feel like I did the first time a boy ever held my hand.  Then when you kiss me, let it have taken long enough that we both can't stand not having kissed anymore.  Really.  Cuddling doesnt have to be an expectation just because both of us know we are interested.  Dont let it me a customary gesture...let it be special.  When all of my roommates sit down to watch a movie, we don't have to cuddle just because it's a movie.  Too often the physical aspects of relationships progress before the friendship part of the relationship progresses and the relationship relationship has to play catch up to the physical relationship and THAT DOESN'T WORK.  It's not designed to.  I feel like since now that we are dating to get married, it's like we both know why we are there and the mystery of it all goes to pots.  Well if we are interested, we are interested and that means we hold hands and cuddle and for some, kiss.  No.  Blaspheme!  Interest doesn't mean like and only like means physical.  For me anyway.
One real-life relationship I was in, the boy didn't hold my hand for weeks and weeks.  It was the sort of thing where I would text my best friend after we all watched a movie and say, "why didn't he hold my hand?  Did I do something wrong?!"  Let me panic for a second.  You know?  We still had to flirt back then.  Then.  Theeen.  He waited even longer to kiss me. Oh.  By the time that first kiss came, boy.  It was time.  And I had never felt so giddy.  I'm pretty sure he heard me scream as he walked away from my closed front door.  It was waited for and worked for and well-deserved on both our parts.  We were best friends first.  It had to be a process for us.  A process, I say!!  Am I completely crazy?  I mean, tell me I'm not crazy for thinking this way.  Because, hey, I have been there several times.  I've experienced the non-commital cuddle.  It's fun for the moment, but you go home after and feel empty.  I'm ashamed to admit, but it's true.  Bleh.  No mo.  MmmmMm.
Interest is different than like.
Flirt.
Slow your roll.
Enjoy.
I'm glad we had this talk.