Are We Not All Broken? A post about living with high-functioning mental and emotional disorders.

The following are things that have been on my mind as of late.  Then I was asked to speak about them in church.  It was an opportunity for me to try to verbalize some of the impressions I had been having for months prior and I was grateful to have been able to do it using some of the most beautiful doctrine and insights offered by a prophet of God.  Later I added the other half.  As you read, please do so with mercy in your heart.  These things are vulnerable yet sacred things of my heart and I share them because its finally time.  

I’ve been asked to speak on the talk given by Elder Holland a few years ago.  The title of it is “Like a Broken Vessel.”  This is a talk that hits home in so many personal and sacred ways for me and my family and it is about things I am very passionate about.   As you probably know, this talk is about knowing how to best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love. What you may not know is that at just 9 years old, I was clinically diagnosed with OCD, severe anxiety and early-onset depression. So I hope to really dive into what Elder Holland says as well as tell some of the tender mercies I have seen in my own life.  

He sets the stage for his talk and the overarching feeling of it, by stating that 

“the apostle Peter wrote that disciples of Jesus Christ are to have ‘compassion one of another’”  and that these are difficulties that no one can responsibly suggest would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively, though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking.” 

 Elder Holland says, 

“However bewildering this all may be (speaking of the various forms of psychoses and neuroses), these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor.”

Elder Holland emphasizes that if you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek priesthood blessings and get the best medical care available. We are expected to use the wonderful resources available to us.  On that same note, someone would seek that help from someone best suited to give medical advice for appendicitis.  So it’s possible that we may not know enough about a very personal and vulnerable situation to judge the amount of faith someone has, or the way they are applying the atonement in their lives.  I fear that sometimes in an effort to be right, those around us often forget that our ultimate goal is to have charity and one of the best ways to show charity is to withhold judgement. There is a lot of controversy and a lot of opinions in the world about the best ways to treat any sort of mental challenge.  For one person, one thing may work better than for another and our perception of what is happening may not be completely accurate.  For me, it took years to finally get a grasp on what treatments worked for me and to develop the skills necessary to live, what my parents and I prayerfully felt was a functioning life. 

So in his talk, Elder Holland gives specific council on how to respond to these challenges.  These points apply to both those who suffer with mental challenges, and to the loved ones around them, doing their best to help and love.  I’ll summarize and point out 5 of them.

1 - “Never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend.”

The Lord has promised that he will not leave us comfortless. He knows what things will provide us with the most peace and happiness and He will provide those blessings.  In his due time. However, he explains that, his ways are higher than our ways, and his thoughts higher than our thoughts.  He knows what tests in this mortal life will ultimately lead us to become more like him, and which ones will make us stronger.  One way I have seen God manifest His love for me during difficult times is particularly through angels - both seen and unseen.  Friends and family and even at times strangers have provided me with unconditional love and support that has completely pierced my soul.  These people strengthen my testimony and help me know of God’s love for me.  We need to recognize the hand of the Lord in all things, but we also need to BE the hand.  We need reach out to those around us realizing that we are all in need of the Savior, and we are ALL His children.  God’s love is always there for us.  

2 - “Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life.”  

• Study the Book of Mormon with diligence.  This will open up the gates of our hearts for the spirit to touch and comfort us.  It is a book of truth, and therefore light.  Even if the specific words in the particular scripture don’t bring comfort, reading it opens the way for the holy spirit to do so.  
• Serve others.  We must lose ourselves in the service of God in order to find ourselves.  I recently learned about a girl named Jocie who at about 19 years old was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.  This is the same young woman who in the Woman’s general session of conference, Sister Stephens spoke about.  For days at a time Jocie, couldn’t find the strength to even get out of her bed.  After years of searching for answers to her difficulties, she found the courage to step outside of herself and reach out to others to find joy in the journey.   She founded what is called the 444 project, based on the scripture Alma 44:4 -  

“Now ye see that this is the true faith of God; yea, ye see that God will support, and keep, and preserve us, so long as we are faithful unto him, and unto our faith, and our religion; and never will the Lord suffer that we shall be destroyed except we should fall into transgression and deny our faith.” 

For her project, she travels all around the world, inviting others to reflect on the things that bring them joy and what good things help get them out of bed in the morning.  She reminds them of the love of God and serves them by exemplifying it despite her own struggle to find light and peace.  In D&C 19:23, the Lord explains that 

“he who doeth the works of righteousness shall receive his reward, even peace in this world and eternal life in the world to come.”  

• Practice Gratitude.  Elder Holland said that

“Through any illness or difficult challenge, there is still much in life to be hopeful about and grateful for.”  

Growing up, my mom always encouraged me to literally count my many blessings.  She would tell me to sit down and write out all of my blessings big or small.  I can’t tell you how many sticky notes from work are filled, and school class notes interrupted by little lists of things I had to remind myself were blessings I enjoyed.  Even during dark times. These little lists were gifts to me.  They helped me move on in the day and my spirit was quickly lifted and I was humbled to give thanks to my Lord for His love. 

3 - “Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well being and ask for and cherish priesthood blessings.” 

When I was only 9 years old, I had an experience that was just the beginning of years and years and years of struggle.  My family was having FHE on a Monday night and I broke down into a complete panic attack.  I was completely overcome with a feeling of suffocation and despair.  At 9 years old.  I didn’t even know what the word “suicide” was, and yet I became completely lost in not wanting to have to deal with the pain I was feeling and to just return home with Heavenly Father.  In that moment, my dad stopped our family home evening to give me a priesthood blessing.  In between my sobs, I remember him telling me that the Savior carried out the atonement for me, and that in the Garden of Gethsemene He had felt what I was feeling. My dad promised that Jesus knew and loved me.  I remember my sobs slowing, and my breaths becoming deeper and longer as a feeling of calm and peace filled my soul.  I was finally able to fall asleep on the sheepskin rug on my parents’ floor - a place I would sleep for months at a time in the next several years.  We determined we needed to seek the counsel of my bishop.  He obviously wasn’t trained in therapy or in mental disorder, but he did have stewardship over me and he was able to connect my family with an LDS family therapist, a woman who I still to this day, refer to as “my Lisa.”  She was my children’s therapist for years, and inspired my desire to study social work and help others in a similar way.  She was one of my God-given, Priesthood-leader-inspired angels.  

4 - “Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”  

Elder Bednar explains that “the ordinances of salvation and exaltation administered in the Lord’s restored Church are far more than rituals or symbolic performances.  Rather, they constitute authorized channels through which the blessings and powers of heaven can flow into our individual lives.”  

I know of nothing else that can call upon the power of God into our troubled lives than  priesthood authorized ordinances, also including temple service and worship.    As far as the atonement goes, it is one of the basic principles of our gospel, and for me, it was only when I was reminded that the Lord knew perfectly my pain, that I was able to find a bit of peace.  The Lord pleads for us to let Him heal us.  Sister Stephens refers to Jocie, as I did before, who said that her mother so badly wanted to bear her pain and Jocie was deeply impressed to tell her mother, “You don’t have to, someone already has.”  In that moment, the spirit testified to her that Jesus Christ carries our burden’s because of his love and willingness to undergo all of our pain.  Cast your burden’s at his feet and trust in His promises to relieve us.  In his due time. 

5 - “Believe in Miracles.”  

President Monson says that Faith always precedes the miracles, so believe that the miraculous stories told of Christ healing the sick, still happen today and that they can happen for you and your loved ones as well.    

Elder Holland closes by saying that, 

“though we may feel we are like a broken vessel, as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter.  Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed.  While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgemental and kind.”  

I would also add, are we not all broken?  As King Benjamin says, 

“Are we not all beggars?  Do we not all depend upon the same being, even God?” I know that each of us is on a journey of healing and that true healing and happiness comes only from Jesus Christ and the blessings, resources and inspiration He provides for us.  We are also told to have joy in this life and what Elder Holland said are some great places to start in proactively obeying that counsel.   I know Christ  is never unaware of our suffering.  A sparrow does not fall to the earth except He knows it.  I also know that difficult times can bring us closer to Him and shape us to be exactly who He needs us to be.  I know of these things for myself because I have felt them and the Spirit has born witness of them to me personally.  If these are things that you don’t know yet, or are unsure about, stick with it.  Trust that God will show his hand.  In his due time.  I testify of His love and tenderness and friendship and miracles and pray that we can all be faithful, merciful, and joyful through Him.  

**********

I've become more and more...aware...I guess you could say of the mental struggles I face.  Not that my anxiety or depression has increased significantly - it has always fluctuated - but I have just become more cognizant of it in my life.  Every single day there are things that I do or feel or say that are results of these disorders.  To be honest I don't always realize it because They have sort of just become part of who I am.  Early on I learned to function with them in my life and I have made it work.  And it has worked.  

 Only a few months ago was I reminded that not everyone has the same views as I do about how the mind works, and about how to respond when someone around them has these burdens, or in my mind, blessings.  Having graduated from social work, I know many of the differing views.  I am aware of, and have studied about the various controversies about mental health and where it stems from, how it should be handled so on and so forth.  You'd think I would have known better than to just assume everyone I interacted with would be accepting of this "baggage" of mine.  

I have grown up being constantly surrounded by friends and family who immediately opened up to this part of me, who loved me not just despite it, but in some situations, more so because of it.  My friends have made me feel completely "normal" and I have always been able to just be myself with them.  They have taken me in in every way possible and I am forever grateful for them.  People who are close to me quickly learn my languages of receiving love and know that they often revolve around my anxiety, OCD, and depression.  And boy, did/do they know how to show me that love.  As my brother says, as he pats me on the head in the most endearing way possible... “constant validation is key with this one.”  haha (we have come a long way since him calling me OCD when I was 7 years old.  I was so offended by that).  

 I won't go into detail, but several months ago, as I mentioned before, someone I cared a lot about saw things differently than than the people closest to me, and I, see things.  I recognize and honestly appreciate that everyone has their own experiences and that those experiences shape their understandings of things.  I don't hold bitterness toward people who have learned things differently, but different experiences don't change the fact that I am far more than the labels on my medication bottles. No matter how much I tried to explain that I live an extremely happy, functional life, and that my disorders have only enlarged my heart and that I chose a career path as an effort only to help others, it was hard for our relationship to progress.  Then I learned that I shouldn’t have to defend or explain myself.  At first I was angry and extremely hurt.  In all my years of dealing with this, I have never been made to feel so “different” or so defined by these difficulties.  I felt a self-consciousness that I hadnt felt since I was a little girl barely learning about what these disorders even were, and that I had early onset versions of them.  I felt ashamed and questioned so much about my whole being that for a bit I had a hard time trusting people with this very vulnerable information. Then my anger turned to sorrow.  A type of Godly sorrow, I feel.  I felt sorry for anyone who limited not me, but themselves, by not embracing...me.  Even some of my weaknesses that I work every day to apply the atonement to, to make easier.  Much of the good of who I am comes from these burdens/blessings and the world of Hannah Joy Russon is far more than me just meeting that threshold of stress that I can handle before having to take a step back and allowing myself to reset.  It's more than me becoming fixated on ideas or concerns, then sometimes crossing lines while trying to be in complete control of  those things.  More than the face that I sometimes put on while trying to not be consumed by what is going on inside of me.  It’s more than me completely crashing and introverting after a long, hard week.  It’s me getting up and being better than I was before because of it.  It’s me learning skills necessary to turn my stumbling blocks into stepping stones. 

My anxiety scares me in the workplace. It scares me in dating.  How will people respond?  How will these things interfere?  How can I show people to not only look past these things, but to try to look with, or along side of them...to really know that this is not a filter to look at Hannah through, but is rather part of the picture itself...and it's beautiful.

  For me, I have learned to try to greet pain as the occasional visitation of an old friend.  A friend who has pushed me to my limits and stretched me and who, most importantly, has introduced me to another who also knows it well.  It is Him and our Father’s plan that I chose.  Pain in this life sometimes reminds me of that.  It reminds me that I am quite alive and there is great power in that.  I wouldn’t have the relationship with my Savior that I do now, had I not been drawn to my knees at such a young tender age.  To really know and understand pain is possibly one of the greatest gifts of our mortal experiences.  Without it we wouldn’t know joy.  I always pray that when I see the presence of pain in others’ lives, I will recognize it, and not turn away from it, but do my best to help lift, love, and encourage them.  Perhaps help quicken their coming to know the Savior as well.  No one can truly determine the amount of someone else’s applying the atonement of Christ (except maybe an authorized Priesthood leader).  One person may get up out of bed and live a seemingly normal life, another person may be bed-ridden for weeks at a time.   The two may have equally sacred relationships with God.  

So, having said all of this, this post is not a way for me to try to convince myself of what I want to believe.  It’s what I know about myself and what I have felt as I have gotten to know others in some of the most painful situations this life has to offer.  It’s not a post to belittle or deny the differences that we all have in the way we have been raised or what views have been instilled in our minds.  Quite the opposite, actually.  Its more of a prayer for people to just try to understand - to just try to embrace peoples’ stories and see the good in them, no matter what they may be.  This journey is a hard one and the least any of us can do is see that we may not know the whole truth in someone else’s situation and that we should love them for the divine beings they are rather than just the “convenient” parts of them.  The least we can do is try to bring others closer to Christ by sharing His love and mercy with them.    Because truly, are we not all broken?  Are we not all beggars requiring as much of that love as possible?  How wonderful it be to one day rejoice with one another in our perfected states.  Until then...hello pain, my old friend. 

For Now

The past few months have gone by like a whirlwind and I often find myself thinking, "how did this even happen?"  I haven't had much time to process all of it, which have made everything sort of drag out in a lot of ways.  During all of the chaos I was talking to a friend and I asked her how I was going to get through it and she said, "you'll just turn it into another one of your inspirational blog posts that I'll love reading."  I laughed it off, but its true that writing on this blog is a great way for me to think through things and express the feelings of my heart.
Let me start off by telling about an experience I had pretty early on in working for the division of child and family services.  It had been a rough day in court and I was on my way back to the office when I had my first "on-the-job" meltdown (obviously to be followed by many more, but that is expected with this line of work).  I pulled into our parking structure feeling completely defeated because I couldn't tell, like the other caseworkers could, that one of our clients was extremely impaired and under the influence.  That's something I had been working to be able to recognize and this time it went clear over my head.  With such a seemingly small thing, came a whole lot of other things that, again, I hadn't been able to process and the tears started to flow.  Uncontrollably.  I thought about how hard I had worked to graduate in social work and how it had been a goal for me for the majority of my life due to a lot of divine intervention and direction, but that I couldn't shake the thought that no matter what I was doing, I had an emptiness in my heart.  All I wanted was to be able to have my own family that I would do everything in my power to raise unto Christ.  I began to pray amidst all my tears.  I felt like Hannah from the bible and I sort of started to make fragmented promises to the Lord about what I would do if I could just have my own family  I asked God, "why am I here?  Why are you having me do this?  All I want is to be a wife and a momma..." In an instant of both humility and recognition, my shoulders sort of dropped and I prayed, "except to do your will...I want that more."  Needless to say, those words were somewhat difficult for me to muster out, and the Lord didn't answer my "why" questions right then and there, but He did give me reassurance that He did have a plan for me.  He did remind me that there were very specific assignments that He had in mind for me to fulfill and I was motivated by that and I was strengthened enough to move.
Fast forward a few months and I started dating someone and to be completely honest and vulnerable, I started getting my hopes up.  A lot.  I was falling fast.  Well, long story shortish, that lasted for only a couple of months and for various reasons that I don't completely understand and, in moments of weakness, still have a hard time not trying to analyze everything to death, we broke up.   During that time of "break-up" trauma I also quit my job with DCFS, days later got hired on in a new job, and moved home.  All of this happening in a matter of weeks - these big life-changing things - happening in a matter of weeks, thus making me a very flustered and fragile person.  I had been looking for other jobs outside of DCFS for a while because I started to recognize that this job wasn't for me.  I was good at it, and was begged to stay, but I promised myself before I graduated that if I ever worked somewhere and I started to see myself change at all, I would quit.  So I did. Anyway, miracles happened and without even applying for another job, I was offered a position as a kindergarten teacher.  I then went of a much needed and divinely timed vacation with my best friend.  Upon getting home though...that's when everything started to hit.  I tried to look back at the last month and figure out what had happened and it honestly seemed like a blur.  A blur that was out of my control almost!  Looking back now though I know it was the Lord completely taking me by the hand and guiding me.  All of this is completely and totally to His credit.  Again, I really don't even know what happened - it all happened so fast.  We are promised that as we try to stay obedient to the Lord though, that He will guide us.  That is exactly what he has done.   However, that doesn't mean that I haven't resisted all of this change.  It has been a tough pill to swallow.  I moved home after thinking I was out for good and while I love home, I couldn't help upon unpacking all of my things that somehow I had regressed and lost some of my independence per se.  It's good to be home and with my family and things have slowed down, but this feels so awkward.  People say, "oh you are so young.  Focus on yourself right now."  Yes, I am young, but that doesn't make the sheer longing for a family of my own go away, and I am so over focusing on myself.  My soul knows better and it has gotten to the point that at times when I look on facebook or instagram and see pictures of people getting engaged, or wedding pictures, or pictures of mommas meeting their babies for the first time, it makes me physically ill.  Not because I am jealous, or because of any bitterness toward those people, my life, and especially not toward God.  It is that piece of my spirit that longs for eternal things and for the opportunity for my most important roles to be fulfilled.
I was talking to my mom the other day and I admitted that all of my best friends  - guys and girls - are married and having babies and while I rejoice for them, it puts me in a fairly lonely position at times.  I told her that right now its hard for me to see what my next steps in life may be and that I feel like I am in a bit of a rut/standstill even though I know its quite the opposite.  I know that all of this sort of "breaking down" of what I know or am comfortable in is happening just so the Lord can build me back up in the way He needs to.  He is really setting the stage for whatever He has planned for me in my career, in my education, in my spiritual growth and in my eternal progression and in my future family.  I know that.  I can feel it deep deep within me.  I don't know when or where or how I will meet my husband and I t's hard to not pick myself apart thinking about what I need to change in order to be able to get married or maybe if I did something differently or maybe this or that is what's wrong with me but I know those thoughts are not from the Lord and I can't think like that.   I don't know if my career will go the exact direction I have always thought it would and I don't even know my next step yet but please don't get me wrong.  I am astounded at the blessings I have.  I am incredibly privileged and I am honored and humbled by the gifts I am given and I know that this is a special time of life filled with opportunities and refinement.  I share these things because I believe in vulnerability.  I believe that we can each relate to one another in profound ways and that hopefully we can be lifted by the lessons we are each learning in life and that somewhere out there, what I have to share might help someone else as I am constantly helped by the things those around me have to share.  I know I am not alone and the Lord often reminds me what a wonderful time of life this is and that no matter what stage I am in, there will always be challenges.  Yet, there will always be joy as well.  Always joy in the journey.  So, for now, I do my best not to focus on myself, but on others as I know there are always ways to serve and give and lose myself in the assignments I so desperately want to fulfill.  For now I trust and above all, I hope.  I hope that God does have a plan for me and that those moments of stillness when I feel Him close are very real and He is comforting me and letting me know He is aware and incredibly involved.  For now I throw my hands up and give my will to the Lord, grateful that I don't have to know the "why's" because He does, and for now, that is enough.

"This was not my plan."

"It is as truly a blasphemous interference with the prerogatives of Diety to set limitations or make fixations of time or place at which the divine power shall be made manifest as it is to attempt to usurp that power.  God alone must decide when and how His wonders shall be wrought."   - James E. Talmage, Jesus the Christ

So I suppose it is about time I wrote this post.  It has been several months since I promised I would share it so here it goes.  

Let me start by giving a bit of a background.  Ever since I was in ninth grade I have known what I wanted to be when I "grew up."  I remember the specific text conversation I was having with a good friend when the thought even crossed my mind.  Then meetings with my bishop, even at that young age, continued to build in my mind the idea that being a children's therapist was an option.  After receiving my Patriarchal blessing the summer before starting high school, my way was pretty set.  See, there were several things said in that blessing that set me, even more concretely, on the social work path.  Pretty specific assignments and prophecies and promises had been laid out in my Patriarchal blessing - ones which the specificity of them even shocked my parents who had sat through each of their children's blessings.  

All through high school and my college years I knew what I needed to do.  No question ever arose in my mind about what I needed to major in, what steps would be necessary for me to take, nor arose any deterrent from my willingness to take those steps.  I was going to fulfill those assignments!  A couple of those steps would include going to grad school to get my Master's in social work along with getting my LCSW license.  Taking these steps was exciting to me and I worked hard to make sure I would qualify for them.  Well, the only way I know how to describe it, is that my heart started to change.  My mind started to lean in other directions.  Going to grad school became less and less appealing.  In a conversation I had with my mom, I told her that path started to look blurry.  This was during the end of my junior year when I would need to start preparing to take the GRE or MAT in order to apply to grad school the following Fall.  During the summer, it got even worse.  I honestly "wrestled" with myself about it for months.  The previous Christmas my gift to Jesus was, "I offer all I am for the mercy of your plan."  This very subject in mind.  Anyway, I prayed and prayed and had large amounts of anxiety about it.  What was the right thing to do?  How would I fulfill God's plan if I didn't go to grad school?  Then one Sunday during sacrament meeting, I had been fasting about it and felt overwhelmed with the answer that I was NOT to go to grad school immediately upon graduating.  With only weeks before my applications would be due, this was an incredible blessing and relief.  It came so powerfully, I had to write my thoughts down as they came.  I started writing vigorously right there in church.  My thoughts came as this:  the Lord's ability to make me fulfill the assignments talked about in my patriarchal blessing are not limited to this one path.  "How would I fulfill God's plan if I didn't go to grad school?" - where is the faith in that?  Thus the quote at the beginning of this post (which I happened to read just tonight.  Perfect).  It was like my perspective was extremely widened.  Other options flooded - and have continued to flood - into my mind.  

Well, because I'm human, a while later I found myself really questioning myself again.  What if I had ruined the plan or done something wrong?!  Then another confirmation.  This time in the temple, where I had been taught that I could have confidence in any answers received there.  He had already given me an answer, but kind Heavenly Father gave it to me again.  I wept as I sat in the Celestial room and felt peace that it was okay that I didn't apply to grad school.  

Okay.  Got that answer.  But then what?  I would have liked to think that I wasn't to go to grad school because I was going to start a family, but I don't know that.  I then seriously considered a mission for a while, but that faded.  Again, extreme anxiety.  Because I didn't know exactly what I would be doing instead of continuing in school, graduation became extremely daunting.  In the last few months I have felt almost lazy - like I was lacking in effort in proactively having a set plan.  People have asked me, "what will you do after graduation?" and I have just kind of said "I don't know...get a job???"  I imagined those people in their minds saying:  "Oh, she doesn't have a plan.  Nice one."  But even more recently, I have felt a lot of peace about the unknown.  Like I said, several options have presented themselves to me.  

For example, while in the temple (again) a couple of weeks ago, I was overjoyed thinking about one of these options.  I felt extremely excited about at least moving forward in that direction.  In that moment I was kind of in amazement that so much about my path had changed.  In my head I sort of bewilderingly chuckled to God, "Father, this was not my plan."  Complete relief.  I felt Him say in His kind fatherly way, "it never was."  It was never MY plan.  It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder and I knew that for now, the Lord was going to reveal answers to me step by step.  For now, I need to walk blind for a bit.  It is stretching me and it is so scary, but He IS guiding me.  Even though my path is not always clear, and I don't have answers, I know He is near.  I know He has not left my side and that HE has a plan.  I thought I understood it, and maybe that's how He needed me to understand it for a while, but He knows all things and will give me gifts and abilities to fulfill His assignments.  I feel that so strongly even now as I write this.  He will give me answers right when He needs me to know.  I feel so willing to move.  He knows that, so He will guide my feet.  In His time and way.  Oh, how strange this is.  All of my cohorts are saying, "I was accepted to so and so school."  "I'm going to grad school here..." I just kind of laugh and stare into space thinking, "I thought that would be me!"  Nope!!  Not now anyway.  Maybe next year I'll feel the need to apply.  Maybe now fuzzy things will become less fuzzy and I'll look back and go, "ooooohhhh...that's why."  Maybe not.  Maybe I won't know exactly why.  I do know this:  God is so merciful.  Jesus Christ is my friend.  They carry me and are ever near.  Nothing is our own.  The temple is the most important thing in this world, and the veil thin within those walls.  Thank heavens we don't have to navigate through this life on our own.  Thank heavens we don't have to KNOW our every next move and step - or even the path we are to take.  

Except one.  We follow the Savior's path.  Always.  

 

Throw Down!...those weapons of war, that is.

Sometimes it takes everything inside of you to remain silent.  Even though what the world would tell you to do  - to stand up for yourself and the slight betrayal and hurt, to confront the battle, to have a spine - is what you would normally do.  Because you believe in being assertive.  You believe in talking it out and understanding every angle.  But even more so you believe in kind words.  Ones that don't sting or stab.  Even though they come to your mind and they are really clever and pretty dang accurate ...you keep them in.  Sometimes the right thing is to step back, even though you were the one wronged, to give in, throw down your weapon of war, and be the bigger person.  And.  THAT.  Is.  Really.  Really.  Hard.  To do.  It is heavy on the chest and watery in the eyes and it takes a lot of fist-clenching, teeth-grinding, praying, and grace on the Lord's part to help fiery and unresolved feelings go away.  No one wants to be bitter but sometimes those feelings come.  It's natural to be angry sometimes.  The Lord feels anger, right?  But it is how we respond to those feelings that define who we are.
I imagine the Anti-Nephi-Lehi's had great reason to want to fight - to defend themselves, yet they refused to lift their swords.  Because Christ enabled them.  And ya know what?  We too can be enabled.  Living proof of that right here, folks *fingers pointing right at my little face*.  Sometimes I am quite surprised at the frustration that can boil up inside of me!  Like, "whoa where the heck did that come from?"  Then I'm like, "oh yeah.  Satan." And that's when you wag your little finger and cobra your head and say "uuuuuuh uh!  No way.  Get outta town!"
God is good.  Just remember that tid bit, okay?
Night!

P.S.  Umm re-reading over this, you can totally tell the transformation that takes place in my attitude and heart.  I started writing it with bitterness still in my soul and as time passed and I depended on the Lord, my heart lightened.  The atonement is real!  If you don't know that for yourself, lean on me for a minute, because it IS real and I know it.

A Few Things...

1) I know, I know, I haven't been very good at blogging lately.  I guess I blog in phases.  BUT!  I really do think it's important.  For Christmas my mom gave me a book of my great great great grandma Hannah's writings and I love reading them.  She has written hundreds of poems and written out her life history.  The things she had to say truly strengthen my testimony and I think it is so special that I have that to read.  So I decided I need to be better at writing down my thoughts, the daily miracles that I witness, and the testimony that I have.
For example, I have been thinking a lot about adversity and how unbelievably grateful I am for the pains that I have experienced in this life.  They have truly helped me grow and gain a testimony of my own.  They have made me depend on the Lord in ways that I can't even fully express.  The other night I was reading in Mosiah, chapter 14 verse 5 and I was struck with a new meaning of "with his stripes we are healed" (Isaiah 53:5).  Not only are we healed by the stripes and burdens he bore for each and every one of us, but we can be healed - if we allow - through the stripes that we experience ourselves.  The burdens we bear, the trials we face, the hardships the Lord sometimes places in our lives...if we recognize the opportunities of growth that come through our faculties, we can truly be healed, strengthened, and prepared by them.  

"With His stripes we are healed" is a powerful phrase to me.  

Not only the lashings He took to have justice in our place,

 but the adversity in our own lives He deems necessary for us to face.  

These trials heal us and they make us strong. 

 These stripes and markings prepare us for our rule through all eternity long.
Sometimes amidst hard things I find myself asking "why?  Why this way?  How?"
It is then that in my mind the Lord seems to simply say, "to heal you.  To heal your soul - to remind you that I am the one who can make you whole."
The Spirit of my questions quickly change and my head slightly bows.
  "What would you have me do Lord?  What is thy plan?"
See, it is in these moments that we are edified and are able to see our Savior for who He truly is -
one who does what we cannot, one who helps us understand.
Hardships help us become more like Him, they help us learn His name.
So to His heart mine is forever sealed, because though they may be heavy,
it is with His stripes we are healed."

2) I've been thinking a lot about friendship lately, and how unbelievably fortunate I have been in that area.  My friends build me up when I have lost bits of who I am.  They lift me, they respect me, they love me.  But like Alma, I can rejoice because, though we have not seen angels, we have been angels for one another.  We have grown in testimony and in the gospel together whether it be for years and years or just months or even the smallest of conversations.  We have shared and experienced the joys that come from following Christ.   This brings me so much happiness.  We are friends in the Lord!  "Friends."  I have always thought the term "friend" was an inadequate term to describe the relationships I had with my non-family family.  However, it was when I was reading this account of Alma (Alma 17), that I remembered that there several times throughout scripture when Christ refers to His followers as His friends.  Because of this, I cannot think of a better way to describe the good people - LDS members, and non-members alike - around me.  They truly are "friends."  If the Lord Himself uses that term, it must be important.  Perhaps the world has deemed it less than what it really is.  I am forever deeply deeply grateful for the connection of souls I have with some of the most amazing people.  You know who you are.  So from the bottom of my over-flowing heart, I do rejoice!  In the humblest, and most honored way, I rejoice.  

3)  When I first realized we were studying the Old Testament this year, I sorta felt like...."oh no.  Isaiah."  Then we had our first lesson this last Sunday.  Ooooh it was beautiful and I was edified.  We just read Moses 1 and those are some for serious amazing and applicable scriptures!  I didn't know it!  He learned who he was - so can we.  He was tempted by Satan - so are we.  Yet he was able to discern the difference between the glory and light of God and Satan - so can we.  However, he even had to be edified and "changed" in order to "see" and know God.  So must we.  How?  Our church meetings, institute, prayer, scripture study, service, family home evening, personal revelation.  It is through these experiences that we can know we are no "son[s] of man," we are children of God!  And because of that, we have the light of Christ in us.  Each of us.  "For his Spirit hath not altogether withdrawn from [us]."  I am completely excited to continue to study the Old Testament and come to know about my Savior and my relationship with Him.  I greet these scriptures as an old friend and am excited to learn!  Here we go!  

Progress

Two steps forward and one step back.

Sometimes its okay to cry and again be fragile.

Sometimes you have to acknowledge the heart attack

because being brave and strong is usually how it's handled,

then everything is torn up by a dream or two in your sleep.

So you lay down in the dark listening to your favorite love songs

trying to pretend they don't have the same meaning they used to keep.

A plan is what you had, how do you let go of something that lasted so long?

You've "tasted flight" as they all say,

and until you're back in the air you do all you can to fly.

Move.

Try, try, try.

What are you trying to prove?

It's fine because most of the time you do.

But today was a bit of a haze.

You felt feelings you aren't supposed to feel anymore.

You don't even know when you'll get back everything you gave.

You give and you give what's already been gone.

Yet regret.  There's none of that, learning is what it was for.

Now you wonder if the step back was so wrong.

What if things are not quite as you thought?

Well honestly you don't know - you haven't all along.

 You can't just go by the opinions you've always fought.  

It's your heart.  God's too. 

He walks you through.  

So you step up to tomorrow, you move yet again.

Sleeves are rolled up and who knows where the future will go.

But it's hopeful as the sun that comes up, the world to mend.

Now you choose to be happy, because we all know...

we reap what we sew.

Two steps forward and one step back.

I need some Graham Canyon: Part II

If you're confused, please refer back to THIS post.  

So you get to the top of the mountain.  Victorious.  Tired.  Relieved.  It's nice there, but it isn't everything you expected it to be.  Not that it is bad, but you feel that for you, there is more.  Something is missing.  Perhaps time is all it would take, but what do you do NOW?  At first you're a bit confused and afraid.  "How could this be? Everything in me told me this was right."  However, as the confusion clears, clarity replaces it.  Clarity that "it could be" because the Lord allowed it to be - because it was what YOU wanted.  You realize that sometimes the Lord teaches us lessons in His timing and in His ways, but sometimes He teaches us lessons in our timing and in a way that is best for us.  You are overwhelmed with gratitude for His mercy and know that it is because of His strength you are well.  You feel His love more than almost ever before.  You feel that His wing is stretched over you as it has been all along.  "What a climb!" you say.  But not as a regretful exclamation - as a joyful one because you discovered, you learned, you stuck to something you knew in your heart that you needed to.  You saw it through to the end.  You gave 100% and surrendered to the feelings of your heart, and indeed, there is no regret in that.  Most importantly you came closer to your Savior and to the supporters along the way.  You learned how to rely on Christ in the hardest of times.  You are now more yourself than when you set out on your journey.  And even though the view at the top isn't what you hoped it would be, you are grateful for it because although for a time the climb was just a means to that ideal end, the end was really the motivator and the means to the journey.  Sometimes the dream of the top was the only thing that could move you in several facets of life.  What was it for then, if not for what you expected?  It was for you, of course - as all challenges are.  From the bottom of your heart you are grateful.  God is merciful. 

Of course, there is still room to mourn a bit.  Any time you have to move on on let go of something that you have invested so much of yourself into, you have to go through a bit of an emotional process.  A bit of redefining and self-searching has to take place.  But mostly blind faith has to take place.  As you take the first few steps of your continued climb, as you leave that mountain top behind, a few tears are shed.  But.  You know your guide.  He is leading you and because of that, you move. 

Excitement sparks.  Optimism sets in and hope for maybe a new dream - one that you know nothing about ensues.  So, here you go.  On to the next climb.  Forward.  Up.  Hey, maybe even in a circle and back again allowing for that time to settle dust.  Who knows?  Well, the Lord does and when you trust in Him, the future really does hold everything.

The Pavilion

Several months ago, we had a lesson on President Eyring's talk "Where is Thy Pavilion?" You can find it HERE.  I started to think about my personal pavilions, and I realized that so often the pavilion that I put up between me and the Godhead is simply fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of disappointing others, fear of heartbreak, fear of not doing my part, and so much more.  It hit me hard during the lesson and I couldn't help but shed a few tears because of how sorry I was that I had let that happen - that I had been  so afraid and without faith.  I then envisioned myself literally stepping out of the shade of the pavilion, like the one in my church yard, and into the open light of the gospel.  I envisioned myself opening my arms up the the sky and feeling the warmth of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ touch me.  No barriers, nothing between.  Since that lesson I have tried to make sure to keep that vision in my mind in order to not let myself fall under the pavilion again.  At times I have felt myself worrying and questioning and inching back toward the dark shade, where sometimes it is easy to sit.  But upon catching myself, I jump back out and am again overwhelmed with the love and relief I feel from allowing the Savior to heal me.  It is in these moments that I have felt empowered and confident and at peace.  It is here that I feel that I know my Father in Heaven and brother Jesus Christ.  It is here that I know that I am entitled to receive the whisperings of the Spirit and the promises from the Lord.  It is here that I feel closest to Him.  It is a conscious effort that I have to make several times a day - to not be afraid, but to trust.  It is something I pray for:  help and strength to step out from under that dark place.  And it has made all the difference.  To me, this is what "the future is as bright as your faith" means.  At first I thought it meant that the more faithful you are, the less trials you will have.  That is simply not the case.  Sometimes the most faithful people we know are given the trials we would deem most difficult.  No, instead it means that no matter what comes upon us - no matter what trials we face - as long as we are faithful, the light of the gospel of Jesus Christ will always be upon us.  It means that we can know that we will be able to get through it with joy and peace.  It means we determine the brightness by the decision we make to trust.  To come out from under whatever pavilions we are under.
God is kind.  So kind.  He and the Savior are constantly shedding their light and love upon us.  It is up to us whether or not we stand in it.
As for me, I will do my best to turn my face upward - open-armed, vulnerable, tearful, grateful, confident, submissive, and truly joyful - toward the light.  

Turning Stones.

     A lot of people have asked me why I am going in to social work. Ha, sometimes they look at me like I am going to be one of those weird Psychologist eccentrics that gets all uppity trying to find answers to everything through the scholarly theories of man. That's not who I want to be.  I want to help people.  Particularly the little ones.  So, I figure now is as good of a time as ever to tell why I love social work so much, and the development of that love.   I applaud you if you read this whole thing.   A little personal (and it is very personal) history (part of my application essay):

      When I was seven years old I started seeing a family therapist for various reasons.  I didn’t really understand all of it at the time; I just knew that it was supposed to help me not feel my “scared bugs” as my dad would affectionately call them.  Some of my “scared bugs,” or anxieties, included being obsessed with the idea that I was suddenly dying of heart attack, getting extremely sick from germs, or being taken out of my room at night.  I would constantly be checking my fingernails to see if they were turning purple.  If I felt any sort of pain in my left arm, I rushed to tell my mom so she would know what to do.  I washed my hands so frequently that they dried, cracked, and bled.  When I would make my bed in the morning, it was a little makeshift bed on the floor of my parent’s room because I refused to sleep alone.  It wasn’t always like this, but it was like this frequently enough that my parents decided it would be a good idea to get me to a therapist.  I would go for phases at a time, depending on my progress, then stop for a while to see how I did on my own.  I was put on medication at ten years old; that helped too.  It wasn’t until about ninth grade that we finally got my medication, and the skills necessary to control my anxiety, figured out.  It was also around that time that I started being personal and open and I would share, hoping that others would share with me in return.  I wouldn’t mind telling people about the troubles that I had faced, and sometimes still continued to, because in a way, it allowed for walls to be broken down and we were able to learn from each other.  Because of the things I had been through as a troubled seven year old, I understood the possible vulnerabilities that others might be facing as well.  Because of what I had been through, I learned to have a sensitivity to people and an insight to the unexpressed.  

Dr. Calloway-Graham said that she was fifteen years old when she realized that social work is a calling and that it was what she knew she wanted to do with her life.  July 1, 2007 was that day for me.  I was also fifteen years old.  I wept.  It was a sacred experience to me. I remember talking about it with my parents, and having a sort of empowered feeling knowing that so often the best kind of help can come from someone who has experienced, even in some small way, similar difficulties and that my life is not my own.  I need to serve.   I wanted to use the hardship I had experienced, and turn it into strengths that could help others.  July 1, 2007 was the day I knew I wanted to be a children’s therapist.  I wanted to do what my therapist had done for me and so many other little ones.  Ever since then, I have had no question of what I wanted to do with my life.   Ever since then I have only tried to amplify the qualities that I began to develop in my childhood and early teens - qualities of empathy, insight, sensitivity, openness, the desire to learn, the desire to teach, and especially the desire to empower and encourage.

     I recently finished reading a book for my SW 2400 class called Turning Stones.  It's the story of a man who was a caseworker for a children's welfare service in NYC.  Heavy read.  Super heavy read.  Not for the faint of heart by any means.  In fact, the first night I started reading this, I had a bit of a panic attack:  "Can I really do this?! Can I really be exposed to this kind of tragedy and live MY life happily too?  Will I be able to make any sort of impact on kids who have experienced these kinds of things?"  After a quick prayer and an email from my inspired dad (remember THIS miracle post?), I was overwhelmed with a resounding "YES."  While the stories that Marc Parent tells in this book are absolutely horrific, it is brilliantly written and inspiring.  In the last few chapters he tells a story about how a group of nuns went on a field trip of sorts.  They would drive all over their state, and stop at beautiful sights, and then they would climb right back on to the bus to go to the next one.  At each stop, one of the nuns - an old, fragile lady - would go off a ways, and simply turn over some random rock.  Soon all the other nuns started noticing, so they asked her why she did this strange ritual.  Confidently the old woman responded, "I turn a stone so that the place is different because I have been there."  At the next stop the other nuns, reflecting on her words, couldn't help but do the same.  Without letting each other see, they quickly flipped one over with their toe, or discretely turned one over while bending down to tie their shoe.  In the next few bus stops, they no longer worried about discretion, but were flipping rocks openly!  They began to challenge and encourage one another to move bigger stones!  They worked together to push over the heavier ones, and indeed, left every place "different" because they had been there.  

     Why do you think Marc Parent told this story after experiencing some of the darkest nights of his life?  Because it is what Social Workers do.  It is what I want, so badly, to do.  He said, after he learned the very hard way, that you can't measure change.  "I'd been quantifying my actions with the families I visited.  The lives I encountered were so thoroughly stained with hopelessness and despair that I saw nothing I could do in a single evening to turn things around - and if I couldn't make it all right, if I couldn't split the earth in half, then what was the use?"  The opportunity is to "touch a life at a critical moment and make it better - [maybe] not for a lifetime - but for a moment.  One moment - not to talk, but to act - not to change the world, but to make it better."  To me, that is in fact changing the world.  Small can be great.  Thinking systematically is hard and sometimes quite ineffective.  Thinking individually first,  and then working together to turn over even the biggest stones is better.  Micro, then Mezzo, then Macro.  Kinda that "pay it forward" concept, I guess.  Individuals matter.  

     I love the talk given in this last conference, "Protect the Children" by Dalin H. Oaks.  Beautiful.  Inspiring.  Encouraging beyond measure.  "We are all under the Savior's command to love and care for each other and especially for the weak and defenseless.  Children are highly vulnerable.  They have little or no power to protect or provide for themselves...Children need others to speak for them, and they need decision makers who put their well-being ahead of selfish adult interests."  

Doesn't all of this make you want to stand up, march right up to any child you know and give him or her the biggest, love-transferring hug you can can possibly give?!  Oh, I love the little ones.  I admire them immensely.  They are the ones changing the world!   I'm so excited to be able to give little ones any sort of light in these ever-darkening times.  I'm so excited to be enabled through the Savior and to learn to love them in the most Christ-like way my human self possibly can.  I can't wait to have my own - to teach them and give them everything I can. 

      It is a process, and accepting that we aren't going to "split the earth in half" doesn't mean tolerating big problems, it means giving encouraging words, kissing ouchies better, gently teaching a principle, allowing the sky to be the limit.  It means real change that we can do every single day.....

THAT is why I want to be a social worker.  

Feeling Strengthened

Recently I have thought about decisions I have made in the past, and how things are going to work out for me in the future because of them.  I have questioned myself and those decisions.  I have found myself doubting and afraid.  I have wondered if "maybe I could try to date so-and-so again.  Maybe I didn't give it enough of a try", or "maybe I could go back to Provo instead of go to Utah State - that might be easier."   "What exactly do new relationships, or a new school, or a new environment hold for me?"  These questions are talked about in one of my favorite talks by Elder Holland "Faith is for the Future."  He tells the story of how one night he and his new bride were walking along BYU campus feeling slightly discouraged at the things they were lacking.  Particularly money.  He turned to his wife Pat, and in a moment of despair and desperate confusion told her, "we can go back, I can get a decent enough job to provide for us, we don't have to be here."  She then grabbed him by the lapels and told him, "we are not going back.  The future holds everything for us."  It is this very story, and those very lines that come to my mind whenever I think about taking the less frightening or possibly easier rout.  Elder Holland said that years and years later, after that experience, he would sit on BYU campus and watch young students much like his old self walk around with expressions of their faces that seemed to ask the same questions that I have asked myself in the last while.  To them - to me - he said to some effect:  "Faith is for the future.  The future holds everything."
I know I cannot go back.  Am I scared?  Yes.  Will it be hard?  Most definitely.  However, I am where I am for a reason.  Maybe lots of reasons.  I don't really know what the Lord has planned for me,  I know it's something though, so for now I go with that.  I told my Becca the other day, when we were talking about life and growing up, "so we step into the future and into the unknown with our fists clenched to hide our shaking hands, our heads held high to intimidate the enemy, and with faith in the Lord to lead us to victory.  We will not go back."  Okay, I didn't say exactly that, but it was close and it's true!  I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I love Him.  He LIVES!  He conquered death and lives.  It is through Him that we live as well.  Now and forever.   We are children of a loving Father in Heaven and He is all knowing - and WE WILL BE GUIDED.  "Faith is believing that the outcome with be good.  Worry is believing that the outcome will be bad.  Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is believing that whatever the outcome, it will indeed be for our BEST good."  So, my friends, I've said it a thousand times, and I'll say it again.  "The future is as bright as your faith," and "we are NOT going back."
Happy Sunday, indeed. :)

Chills.

Today this song hit the spot.  If a song can hit a spot...well, it can.  I just decided.  Apply gospel principles to this song, and Voila!!  You have a very inspirational, chill-giving song.  It's pretty inspirational on its own, but that's just how it was for me today.  Enjoy, my friends!

What you've got to do is
Finish what you have begun,
I don't know just how,
But it's not over 'til you've won!

When you see the storm is coming,
See the lightning part the skies,
It's too late to run-
There's terror in your eyes!
What you do then is remember
This old thing you heard me say:
"It's the storm, not you,
That's bound to blow away."

Hold on,
Hold on to someone standing by.
Hold on.
Don't even ask how long or why!
Child, hold on to what you know is true,
Hold on 'til you get through.
Child, oh child!
Hold on!

When you feel your heart is poundin',
Fear a devil's at your door.
There's no place to hide-
You're frozen to the floor!
What you do then is you force yourself
To wake up, and you say:
"It's this dream, not me,
that's bound to go away."

Hold on,
Hold on, the night will soon be by.
Hold on,
Until there's nothing left to try.
Child, hold on, There's angels on their way!
Hold on and hear them say,
"Child, oh child!"

And it doesn't even matter
If the danger and the doom
Come from up above or down below,
Or just come flying
At you from across the room!

When you see a man who's raging,
And he's jealous and he fears
That you've walked through walls
He's hid behind for years.
What you do then is you tell yourself to wait it out
And say it's this day, not me,
That's bound to go away.

Child, oh hold on.
It's this day, not you,
That's bound to go away!

"Things I Learned in 5th Grade"

Today my dad made me hash-browns while he held my little bird on his shoulder.  We talked about different things in life, then talked about different people in my life.  We talked about some of the struggles that come about with people and I told him that I hope that I can be one to keep calm when everything else is crazy.  He started to recite this ever-so wise poem to me:

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too:

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;

If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same:.

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings,

And never breathe a word about your loss:

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much:

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son! 

Rudyard Kipling
:)

A Post on Broken Hearts

In the last several months I have seen a few of my dearest friends get their hearts broken.  The kind of broken that only comes when one has fallen in love, but something somewhere along that road goes wrong...or is it right?  Either way - even if it does end up being right - it is a painful thing.  I don't understand.  I have struggled to know what to tell these sweet friends of mine.  My brother-in-law was telling me last night that sometimes we need to prepare for the worst, but expect the best.  How does one prepare for something like a broken heart, or the loss of a family member, or for any of life's major blows for that matter?  Preparing for the worst seems to mean to give up hope, but no one should live like that.  I honestly believe that the only way one can prepare for any form of heartache is by strengthening one's faith in, and relationship with Christ.  So when those major blows do indeed come (because they will) the pain may not all be taken away, but it will definitely ensure okayness.  Broken hearts happen.  A lot.  There is still hope though.  There is moving forward and hope that once we have fallen, we can still mend.  Through the Savior.  So, to all who may have a broken heart of any sort right now:  no one can tell you when to stop feeling pain, or when to "get over it."  Trust me, I know.  However, I can promise that, through Jesus Christ, you will.  Indeed.  Be.  Okay.

Let's Get Personal

As many of you may know, I have chosen to finish up my associates degree here at Utah Valley University, take Fall off (working), then transfer up to Utah Sate University to hopefully get into the Social Work program there.  What some people may not know is the "why" behind this choice.  I have been getting some pretty quizzical and suspicious questions about whether or not my decision has had anything to do with a certain missionary who will most likely be going there as well.   I can honestly look anyone who wonders that in the eyes and tell them no.  I don't feel like I owe anyone an explanation for doing what I am doing, except that this is a decision that I made because it feels right.  I used to just be super excited about the thought of going to USU.  I think the idea of a new thing thrilled me. Well, as the decision got more and more serious, I have gotten more and more afraid.  Afraid about being further away from home, being away from the majority of my best friends, afraid of starting over there, and afraid of simply making the wrong choice - one that is displeasing to my Heavenly Father.  However, I know that these fears are not from the Lord.  It's during these times that I have found myself saying, "Hannah Joy Russon, where is your faith?!" I have had it confirmed to me time and time again that this is the direction I am supposed to be moving, and I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't feel this way.  I wouldn't say that the Lord told me straight up to go to USU, but sometimes when we don't know the exact answer, we have to move forward with what we think is good, and have confidence that the Lord will tell us otherwise if it's not right.   I have continued to feel so right about it.  I feel like the assignments that the Lord has for me will be best prepared for by being there - that me becoming someone and helping little kids by being a therapist, will become even more of a reality there.  I don't know what's going to happen.  I don't even know if said missionary will actually end up going there.  Sometimes the Lord changes the plans that we have for ourselves and that could very easily happen for him as well.  Still, I'm going.  I just know that people change, desires change, plans change, and sometimes "rights" change too.  A lot of that has been happening for me lately.  All four of those - in ways I can't even explain to you.   Could this "right" change in 6 months from now depending on what's going on or who is in my life?  Sure.  But this is what I know NOW.  So I move forward with that NOW, and THAT is what feels right.  Some things in this life are set in stone.  Some thing aren't.  I have a complete testimony of that. So as far as I know, I will be taking a deep breath, rolling up my sleeves, wiping a few tears away, putting a huge grin on my face, and becoming a Utah State Aggie.  When I wrote as my facebook status a few weeks ago that "I have the deep need to be an Aggie," I meant it.  In a "deeper" and more special way than I may have ever initially conveyed.  :)  Even now, this puts a smile on my face, and I am so grateful for the promise that as we live righteously, we will be guided.  

We need to trust THAT.  NOW. 

Gift to Jesus

Every year on Christmas Eve my family writes down what our gift to Jesus will be.  This year I decided that,

 "I'll give God forever to make me what I am.  Give my plans, give my dreams, give up all my fretful schemes.  I'll give God this moment to fill my soul with cheer."

I chose this because it means that I will simply trust.  Giving the Lord everything I am so that He can make me the best "I am" is not an easy task.

I asked my friend the other day, what she wanted more than anything else.  She answered with a very good, righteous desire.  Then she asked me the same question.  I told her that the thing that motivates me more than anything else, the thing that drives me - my dream - is to raise a Celestial family.  To be married in the temple and raise some little ones of my own.  For all of us as a family to build God's kingdom, then live there one day.  I try to make everything I do be for them.  I feel that it is the greatest role that I could possibly play as a servant of God.  The thing is, though, I don't know how all of that is going to work out.  I don't know that it is the role God wants me to play.  I can't see the future, and I don't know what God's plan for me is just yet.   I don't know who my husband is, and I don't know when I will find him.  I don't what my future family will be like, and I don't know what kind of mother I will be.  But I know I need to trust the Lord.  That is the giving up all my plans and all my dreams part.  Don't get me wrong.  I love this time of my life.  I honestly do.  I get so much joy from playing with my girlfriends, and going on crazy college adventures. I love discovering who I am throughout it all.  But (and I think this applies to most people), sometimes I get caught up in looking for my "golden ticket."  I get distracted from the good that is going on now by thoughts of this dream that I have finally coming to pass.  I think I need to just eat more of the chocolate bar.  And enjoy it.  That's the giving God this moment to fill my soul with cheer part.  I believe what Elder Holland says about how the Lord is willing to fulfill our dreams.  We just need to trust and have faith enough to ask him.  "Giving God forever means I'll wait and watch and see."  Wait.  Not one of Hannah's favorite words in the world.  Actually a very enemy-like one.  We don't get a long very well.  BUT if it means doing the Lord's will, then I can do it! Even if it does take forever!  So, I have dreams, yes.  But I'd give them up in a heartbeat if it is what He asked of me.  If it made His plan more possible.  With that said, "I won't worry.  But I won't forget.  I'll give God this moment to fill my soul with cheer, and that will keep Him near."

Ahem...small observation.

You know how sometimes you are walking down the hall or sidewalk on campus and you notice a guy looking at you and you think to yourself, "cool!  That really attractive man chose to look at ME a little longer than what is deemed normal."?  Well quite often on days like these ones ^, I think to myself, "oh.  He is totally looking at me not because he is attracted to me, or because he is checking me out, but because he is in utter appalation at the way I have chosen to present myself to the public today." 

 Thats when I stare right back at them, do a subtle kissy face and wink at them as if to say, "you know you want this."

That's a lie.  I don't really do that.   

But, STOP STARING!  YES, I AM PERFECTLY AWARE OF THE WAY THAT I LOOK!!!

Thank you.  

That is all. 

Distracted Sighs

You (and by you, I mean anyone who actually reads this little blog of mine) know those days where you seem to only go through the motions of the day?  You are distracted and something or someone is on your mind?  You aren't really sad, just meLANcholy because there are a couple things that are or are not happening in your life?  Ha.  Well, that is sorta how my day has gone today.  Laugher and smiles came easily, but in the quiet moments when I was just sitting and doodling at work, or driving, or cooking dinner; just about every other exhale turned out to be a rather large, much need SIGH.

Sighs can be very different, I have discovered.  There are the "hot breath" sighs of anger, or jealousy, or annoyance (like the ones that escape when you have just received an extra hard load of homework).  Then, there are the "relaxed and completely content" sighs (like the ones that come when you are sitting in a pool chair by the ocean in Hawaii).  The next one,  not to be confused with the "completely content" sigh because it is in some ways very similar, is the "twitter-pated" sigh (like the ones that slowly sneak out of tender grin while you are twisting your spaghetti at dinner but not eating it, and your dad asks, "Hannah, are you in love?"  Or, they often come when you are...say...being very kindly and adorably cuddled by a boy who makes you believe in everything good).  Yeah, you know the ones.  Back on subject!  See?  Distracted!  Haha.  The sighs that have come from me today have been both the "disappointment" sigh (like the one that comes when you get a text message...but its just from your school's institute), and the "distracted" sigh (like the one that comes when you are in a place or situation that you would just rather not be in, and you are either not thinking at all, or you are thinking of and imagining yourself in a much more pleasant place).
Sooo....yeah!  I bet there are many more sighs that I have also experienced, but these ones are the ones that come to the top of my head at the moment.  That was a very long explanation of how I have felt a little bit today.  Do you have those days?  Please tell me you do.
Maybe now I will go sit in the hot tub, or find me a nice boy to cuddle ;).  Haha switch up the sighs a bit!  Can't ever forget that life is good, eh?  Cuz it is.
Have a good night!  I wish you the best of sighs.