EMERGENCY

Again, I know it has been forever since I have posted.  I promise I journal in my personal journal and lately my mind has just been full of so many other things, I haven't had the time or brain capacity to form clear writing thoughts!  But my experience tonight led me to have very clear thoughts of how I should express myself and so I felt like I better run with it.  So, in case you didn't know, I just started a new job!  It is a fantastic job with the state.  I have a fancy badge on one of of those cool zip-line things that hooks to my belt loop, and I know codes and secret stuff and I'm learning a lot.  I moved just for the job and I love my new place.  I'm getting to know my roommates and so far we are becoming friends.  However...ooooohhhh HOWEVER.  This.  Is.  Hard.  I didn't know.  I didn't know I would struggle so much.  I feel like I'm having a harder time transitioning to this than I did when I moved away to college for the first time.  I call my mom a lot.  This is a hard field to be going into.  There are a lot of heavy things I'm trying to prepare myself to have to deal with.  Right now I'm reading an assigned book about how to prevent secondary trauma in the workplace.  So tonight while reading that, I had an absolute MELTDOWN.  I was so incredibly overcome with self-doubt and fear.  I was ready to march into my supervisor's office tomorrow morning and tell him I couldn't do it.  I got scared of the things I was going to have to face.  I started to feel suffocated thinking about having a full-time job and being restricted in a lot of ways because of that (hello, no two week Christmas break?).  I got scared that this job would change me - that I wouldn't be my happy/optimistic self after so long.  I wanted to pack up my things and just go home.  So I knelt down and told the Lord all of my fears.  I told Him I didn't think I could do it, that I came this far and maybe that was good enough.  After praying for a bit and getting my sobs under control, I knew I needed to get to the temple.  And fast.  It all of the sudden became this mad rush to get to the temple.  I quickly changed and with a warm washcloth did my best to wipe the "cry" off of my face.  With PB&J in hand I ran down the steps of my apartment building.  I felt like I was on my way to the hospital or something.  Never in my life have I felt such an urgency to get to the temple.  I couldn't think of anything else besides getting there.
What a blessing the temple is.  It is everything.  Being there tonight healed my soul.  Immediately I started to feel lighter.  I started to feel alive again after being so consumed with doubt and fear.  This was home.  It was a hospital.  A spiritual hospital.  I felt lifted and empowered.  I felt strengthened and supported by my loving Heavenly Father and Savior.  While there I was reminded that angels are around me and that they will bear me up.  I felt the Lord say to stick to it, even just for a bit longer.  One day at a time.  There is a plan.  In no way am I alone in this.  I was reminded of this by going to the temple.  In my complete loss of confidence and everything I was doing, I (quite literally) fled to the temple and was reminded of God's love.  Oh, how we all need to do this.  Whether it means we need to get there more often, or it means we do everything in our power to become worthy to enter, I would most definitely say that there is, indeed, urgency to this.  So much urgency.  Go.  Please, please go.  I know the temple is a sacred, heavenly place.  It is the house of the Lord.  It connects us to Him.  Without the strain and confusion of the world, I can feel Heavenly Father and Jesus' love so easily there.  In what I would consider a spiritual and emotional emergency, I was desperate to get to the temple tonight

and I pray I always will be.

"This was not my plan."

"It is as truly a blasphemous interference with the prerogatives of Diety to set limitations or make fixations of time or place at which the divine power shall be made manifest as it is to attempt to usurp that power.  God alone must decide when and how His wonders shall be wrought."   - James E. Talmage, Jesus the Christ

So I suppose it is about time I wrote this post.  It has been several months since I promised I would share it so here it goes.  

Let me start by giving a bit of a background.  Ever since I was in ninth grade I have known what I wanted to be when I "grew up."  I remember the specific text conversation I was having with a good friend when the thought even crossed my mind.  Then meetings with my bishop, even at that young age, continued to build in my mind the idea that being a children's therapist was an option.  After receiving my Patriarchal blessing the summer before starting high school, my way was pretty set.  See, there were several things said in that blessing that set me, even more concretely, on the social work path.  Pretty specific assignments and prophecies and promises had been laid out in my Patriarchal blessing - ones which the specificity of them even shocked my parents who had sat through each of their children's blessings.  

All through high school and my college years I knew what I needed to do.  No question ever arose in my mind about what I needed to major in, what steps would be necessary for me to take, nor arose any deterrent from my willingness to take those steps.  I was going to fulfill those assignments!  A couple of those steps would include going to grad school to get my Master's in social work along with getting my LCSW license.  Taking these steps was exciting to me and I worked hard to make sure I would qualify for them.  Well, the only way I know how to describe it, is that my heart started to change.  My mind started to lean in other directions.  Going to grad school became less and less appealing.  In a conversation I had with my mom, I told her that path started to look blurry.  This was during the end of my junior year when I would need to start preparing to take the GRE or MAT in order to apply to grad school the following Fall.  During the summer, it got even worse.  I honestly "wrestled" with myself about it for months.  The previous Christmas my gift to Jesus was, "I offer all I am for the mercy of your plan."  This very subject in mind.  Anyway, I prayed and prayed and had large amounts of anxiety about it.  What was the right thing to do?  How would I fulfill God's plan if I didn't go to grad school?  Then one Sunday during sacrament meeting, I had been fasting about it and felt overwhelmed with the answer that I was NOT to go to grad school immediately upon graduating.  With only weeks before my applications would be due, this was an incredible blessing and relief.  It came so powerfully, I had to write my thoughts down as they came.  I started writing vigorously right there in church.  My thoughts came as this:  the Lord's ability to make me fulfill the assignments talked about in my patriarchal blessing are not limited to this one path.  "How would I fulfill God's plan if I didn't go to grad school?" - where is the faith in that?  Thus the quote at the beginning of this post (which I happened to read just tonight.  Perfect).  It was like my perspective was extremely widened.  Other options flooded - and have continued to flood - into my mind.  

Well, because I'm human, a while later I found myself really questioning myself again.  What if I had ruined the plan or done something wrong?!  Then another confirmation.  This time in the temple, where I had been taught that I could have confidence in any answers received there.  He had already given me an answer, but kind Heavenly Father gave it to me again.  I wept as I sat in the Celestial room and felt peace that it was okay that I didn't apply to grad school.  

Okay.  Got that answer.  But then what?  I would have liked to think that I wasn't to go to grad school because I was going to start a family, but I don't know that.  I then seriously considered a mission for a while, but that faded.  Again, extreme anxiety.  Because I didn't know exactly what I would be doing instead of continuing in school, graduation became extremely daunting.  In the last few months I have felt almost lazy - like I was lacking in effort in proactively having a set plan.  People have asked me, "what will you do after graduation?" and I have just kind of said "I don't know...get a job???"  I imagined those people in their minds saying:  "Oh, she doesn't have a plan.  Nice one."  But even more recently, I have felt a lot of peace about the unknown.  Like I said, several options have presented themselves to me.  

For example, while in the temple (again) a couple of weeks ago, I was overjoyed thinking about one of these options.  I felt extremely excited about at least moving forward in that direction.  In that moment I was kind of in amazement that so much about my path had changed.  In my head I sort of bewilderingly chuckled to God, "Father, this was not my plan."  Complete relief.  I felt Him say in His kind fatherly way, "it never was."  It was never MY plan.  It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder and I knew that for now, the Lord was going to reveal answers to me step by step.  For now, I need to walk blind for a bit.  It is stretching me and it is so scary, but He IS guiding me.  Even though my path is not always clear, and I don't have answers, I know He is near.  I know He has not left my side and that HE has a plan.  I thought I understood it, and maybe that's how He needed me to understand it for a while, but He knows all things and will give me gifts and abilities to fulfill His assignments.  I feel that so strongly even now as I write this.  He will give me answers right when He needs me to know.  I feel so willing to move.  He knows that, so He will guide my feet.  In His time and way.  Oh, how strange this is.  All of my cohorts are saying, "I was accepted to so and so school."  "I'm going to grad school here..." I just kind of laugh and stare into space thinking, "I thought that would be me!"  Nope!!  Not now anyway.  Maybe next year I'll feel the need to apply.  Maybe now fuzzy things will become less fuzzy and I'll look back and go, "ooooohhhh...that's why."  Maybe not.  Maybe I won't know exactly why.  I do know this:  God is so merciful.  Jesus Christ is my friend.  They carry me and are ever near.  Nothing is our own.  The temple is the most important thing in this world, and the veil thin within those walls.  Thank heavens we don't have to navigate through this life on our own.  Thank heavens we don't have to KNOW our every next move and step - or even the path we are to take.  

Except one.  We follow the Savior's path.  Always.  

 

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like.....Therapy.

Guys!  I had my first real live therapy session!  And when I say MY first therapy session, I mean I was the therapist!!  Okay, okay so it wasn't a real case.  And it wasn't a real client.  Obviously.  Or I wouldn't be sharing it. It was one of my coeds from the program.  BUT!  We were given a case (Celene, the client, was at a business conference when she got date raped and just doesn't have any motivation in life anymore), and we got to film a NON-SCRIPTED session.  We filmed them so we could analyze ourselves later on.  It was actually a really great learning experience!  I'm excited to continue to practice like this.  So it was just a pretend session, but this is a big deal to me!!  Yay!  Ahhhh...I love my major...

Also, my left side is SOOOO my better side.  Hhhaaallo.  

This one is me being the client, Celene, while my friend is the therapist.

This one is of ME being the therapist!  

Turning Stones.

     A lot of people have asked me why I am going in to social work. Ha, sometimes they look at me like I am going to be one of those weird Psychologist eccentrics that gets all uppity trying to find answers to everything through the scholarly theories of man. That's not who I want to be.  I want to help people.  Particularly the little ones.  So, I figure now is as good of a time as ever to tell why I love social work so much, and the development of that love.   I applaud you if you read this whole thing.   A little personal (and it is very personal) history (part of my application essay):

      When I was seven years old I started seeing a family therapist for various reasons.  I didn’t really understand all of it at the time; I just knew that it was supposed to help me not feel my “scared bugs” as my dad would affectionately call them.  Some of my “scared bugs,” or anxieties, included being obsessed with the idea that I was suddenly dying of heart attack, getting extremely sick from germs, or being taken out of my room at night.  I would constantly be checking my fingernails to see if they were turning purple.  If I felt any sort of pain in my left arm, I rushed to tell my mom so she would know what to do.  I washed my hands so frequently that they dried, cracked, and bled.  When I would make my bed in the morning, it was a little makeshift bed on the floor of my parent’s room because I refused to sleep alone.  It wasn’t always like this, but it was like this frequently enough that my parents decided it would be a good idea to get me to a therapist.  I would go for phases at a time, depending on my progress, then stop for a while to see how I did on my own.  I was put on medication at ten years old; that helped too.  It wasn’t until about ninth grade that we finally got my medication, and the skills necessary to control my anxiety, figured out.  It was also around that time that I started being personal and open and I would share, hoping that others would share with me in return.  I wouldn’t mind telling people about the troubles that I had faced, and sometimes still continued to, because in a way, it allowed for walls to be broken down and we were able to learn from each other.  Because of the things I had been through as a troubled seven year old, I understood the possible vulnerabilities that others might be facing as well.  Because of what I had been through, I learned to have a sensitivity to people and an insight to the unexpressed.  

Dr. Calloway-Graham said that she was fifteen years old when she realized that social work is a calling and that it was what she knew she wanted to do with her life.  July 1, 2007 was that day for me.  I was also fifteen years old.  I wept.  It was a sacred experience to me. I remember talking about it with my parents, and having a sort of empowered feeling knowing that so often the best kind of help can come from someone who has experienced, even in some small way, similar difficulties and that my life is not my own.  I need to serve.   I wanted to use the hardship I had experienced, and turn it into strengths that could help others.  July 1, 2007 was the day I knew I wanted to be a children’s therapist.  I wanted to do what my therapist had done for me and so many other little ones.  Ever since then, I have had no question of what I wanted to do with my life.   Ever since then I have only tried to amplify the qualities that I began to develop in my childhood and early teens - qualities of empathy, insight, sensitivity, openness, the desire to learn, the desire to teach, and especially the desire to empower and encourage.

     I recently finished reading a book for my SW 2400 class called Turning Stones.  It's the story of a man who was a caseworker for a children's welfare service in NYC.  Heavy read.  Super heavy read.  Not for the faint of heart by any means.  In fact, the first night I started reading this, I had a bit of a panic attack:  "Can I really do this?! Can I really be exposed to this kind of tragedy and live MY life happily too?  Will I be able to make any sort of impact on kids who have experienced these kinds of things?"  After a quick prayer and an email from my inspired dad (remember THIS miracle post?), I was overwhelmed with a resounding "YES."  While the stories that Marc Parent tells in this book are absolutely horrific, it is brilliantly written and inspiring.  In the last few chapters he tells a story about how a group of nuns went on a field trip of sorts.  They would drive all over their state, and stop at beautiful sights, and then they would climb right back on to the bus to go to the next one.  At each stop, one of the nuns - an old, fragile lady - would go off a ways, and simply turn over some random rock.  Soon all the other nuns started noticing, so they asked her why she did this strange ritual.  Confidently the old woman responded, "I turn a stone so that the place is different because I have been there."  At the next stop the other nuns, reflecting on her words, couldn't help but do the same.  Without letting each other see, they quickly flipped one over with their toe, or discretely turned one over while bending down to tie their shoe.  In the next few bus stops, they no longer worried about discretion, but were flipping rocks openly!  They began to challenge and encourage one another to move bigger stones!  They worked together to push over the heavier ones, and indeed, left every place "different" because they had been there.  

     Why do you think Marc Parent told this story after experiencing some of the darkest nights of his life?  Because it is what Social Workers do.  It is what I want, so badly, to do.  He said, after he learned the very hard way, that you can't measure change.  "I'd been quantifying my actions with the families I visited.  The lives I encountered were so thoroughly stained with hopelessness and despair that I saw nothing I could do in a single evening to turn things around - and if I couldn't make it all right, if I couldn't split the earth in half, then what was the use?"  The opportunity is to "touch a life at a critical moment and make it better - [maybe] not for a lifetime - but for a moment.  One moment - not to talk, but to act - not to change the world, but to make it better."  To me, that is in fact changing the world.  Small can be great.  Thinking systematically is hard and sometimes quite ineffective.  Thinking individually first,  and then working together to turn over even the biggest stones is better.  Micro, then Mezzo, then Macro.  Kinda that "pay it forward" concept, I guess.  Individuals matter.  

     I love the talk given in this last conference, "Protect the Children" by Dalin H. Oaks.  Beautiful.  Inspiring.  Encouraging beyond measure.  "We are all under the Savior's command to love and care for each other and especially for the weak and defenseless.  Children are highly vulnerable.  They have little or no power to protect or provide for themselves...Children need others to speak for them, and they need decision makers who put their well-being ahead of selfish adult interests."  

Doesn't all of this make you want to stand up, march right up to any child you know and give him or her the biggest, love-transferring hug you can can possibly give?!  Oh, I love the little ones.  I admire them immensely.  They are the ones changing the world!   I'm so excited to be able to give little ones any sort of light in these ever-darkening times.  I'm so excited to be enabled through the Savior and to learn to love them in the most Christ-like way my human self possibly can.  I can't wait to have my own - to teach them and give them everything I can. 

      It is a process, and accepting that we aren't going to "split the earth in half" doesn't mean tolerating big problems, it means giving encouraging words, kissing ouchies better, gently teaching a principle, allowing the sky to be the limit.  It means real change that we can do every single day.....

THAT is why I want to be a social worker.