"This was not my plan."

"It is as truly a blasphemous interference with the prerogatives of Diety to set limitations or make fixations of time or place at which the divine power shall be made manifest as it is to attempt to usurp that power.  God alone must decide when and how His wonders shall be wrought."   - James E. Talmage, Jesus the Christ

So I suppose it is about time I wrote this post.  It has been several months since I promised I would share it so here it goes.  

Let me start by giving a bit of a background.  Ever since I was in ninth grade I have known what I wanted to be when I "grew up."  I remember the specific text conversation I was having with a good friend when the thought even crossed my mind.  Then meetings with my bishop, even at that young age, continued to build in my mind the idea that being a children's therapist was an option.  After receiving my Patriarchal blessing the summer before starting high school, my way was pretty set.  See, there were several things said in that blessing that set me, even more concretely, on the social work path.  Pretty specific assignments and prophecies and promises had been laid out in my Patriarchal blessing - ones which the specificity of them even shocked my parents who had sat through each of their children's blessings.  

All through high school and my college years I knew what I needed to do.  No question ever arose in my mind about what I needed to major in, what steps would be necessary for me to take, nor arose any deterrent from my willingness to take those steps.  I was going to fulfill those assignments!  A couple of those steps would include going to grad school to get my Master's in social work along with getting my LCSW license.  Taking these steps was exciting to me and I worked hard to make sure I would qualify for them.  Well, the only way I know how to describe it, is that my heart started to change.  My mind started to lean in other directions.  Going to grad school became less and less appealing.  In a conversation I had with my mom, I told her that path started to look blurry.  This was during the end of my junior year when I would need to start preparing to take the GRE or MAT in order to apply to grad school the following Fall.  During the summer, it got even worse.  I honestly "wrestled" with myself about it for months.  The previous Christmas my gift to Jesus was, "I offer all I am for the mercy of your plan."  This very subject in mind.  Anyway, I prayed and prayed and had large amounts of anxiety about it.  What was the right thing to do?  How would I fulfill God's plan if I didn't go to grad school?  Then one Sunday during sacrament meeting, I had been fasting about it and felt overwhelmed with the answer that I was NOT to go to grad school immediately upon graduating.  With only weeks before my applications would be due, this was an incredible blessing and relief.  It came so powerfully, I had to write my thoughts down as they came.  I started writing vigorously right there in church.  My thoughts came as this:  the Lord's ability to make me fulfill the assignments talked about in my patriarchal blessing are not limited to this one path.  "How would I fulfill God's plan if I didn't go to grad school?" - where is the faith in that?  Thus the quote at the beginning of this post (which I happened to read just tonight.  Perfect).  It was like my perspective was extremely widened.  Other options flooded - and have continued to flood - into my mind.  

Well, because I'm human, a while later I found myself really questioning myself again.  What if I had ruined the plan or done something wrong?!  Then another confirmation.  This time in the temple, where I had been taught that I could have confidence in any answers received there.  He had already given me an answer, but kind Heavenly Father gave it to me again.  I wept as I sat in the Celestial room and felt peace that it was okay that I didn't apply to grad school.  

Okay.  Got that answer.  But then what?  I would have liked to think that I wasn't to go to grad school because I was going to start a family, but I don't know that.  I then seriously considered a mission for a while, but that faded.  Again, extreme anxiety.  Because I didn't know exactly what I would be doing instead of continuing in school, graduation became extremely daunting.  In the last few months I have felt almost lazy - like I was lacking in effort in proactively having a set plan.  People have asked me, "what will you do after graduation?" and I have just kind of said "I don't know...get a job???"  I imagined those people in their minds saying:  "Oh, she doesn't have a plan.  Nice one."  But even more recently, I have felt a lot of peace about the unknown.  Like I said, several options have presented themselves to me.  

For example, while in the temple (again) a couple of weeks ago, I was overjoyed thinking about one of these options.  I felt extremely excited about at least moving forward in that direction.  In that moment I was kind of in amazement that so much about my path had changed.  In my head I sort of bewilderingly chuckled to God, "Father, this was not my plan."  Complete relief.  I felt Him say in His kind fatherly way, "it never was."  It was never MY plan.  It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder and I knew that for now, the Lord was going to reveal answers to me step by step.  For now, I need to walk blind for a bit.  It is stretching me and it is so scary, but He IS guiding me.  Even though my path is not always clear, and I don't have answers, I know He is near.  I know He has not left my side and that HE has a plan.  I thought I understood it, and maybe that's how He needed me to understand it for a while, but He knows all things and will give me gifts and abilities to fulfill His assignments.  I feel that so strongly even now as I write this.  He will give me answers right when He needs me to know.  I feel so willing to move.  He knows that, so He will guide my feet.  In His time and way.  Oh, how strange this is.  All of my cohorts are saying, "I was accepted to so and so school."  "I'm going to grad school here..." I just kind of laugh and stare into space thinking, "I thought that would be me!"  Nope!!  Not now anyway.  Maybe next year I'll feel the need to apply.  Maybe now fuzzy things will become less fuzzy and I'll look back and go, "ooooohhhh...that's why."  Maybe not.  Maybe I won't know exactly why.  I do know this:  God is so merciful.  Jesus Christ is my friend.  They carry me and are ever near.  Nothing is our own.  The temple is the most important thing in this world, and the veil thin within those walls.  Thank heavens we don't have to navigate through this life on our own.  Thank heavens we don't have to KNOW our every next move and step - or even the path we are to take.  

Except one.  We follow the Savior's path.  Always.