Are We Not All Broken? A post about living with high-functioning mental and emotional disorders.

The following are things that have been on my mind as of late.  Then I was asked to speak about them in church.  It was an opportunity for me to try to verbalize some of the impressions I had been having for months prior and I was grateful to have been able to do it using some of the most beautiful doctrine and insights offered by a prophet of God.  Later I added the other half.  As you read, please do so with mercy in your heart.  These things are vulnerable yet sacred things of my heart and I share them because its finally time.  

I’ve been asked to speak on the talk given by Elder Holland a few years ago.  The title of it is “Like a Broken Vessel.”  This is a talk that hits home in so many personal and sacred ways for me and my family and it is about things I am very passionate about.   As you probably know, this talk is about knowing how to best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love. What you may not know is that at just 9 years old, I was clinically diagnosed with OCD, severe anxiety and early-onset depression. So I hope to really dive into what Elder Holland says as well as tell some of the tender mercies I have seen in my own life.  

He sets the stage for his talk and the overarching feeling of it, by stating that 

“the apostle Peter wrote that disciples of Jesus Christ are to have ‘compassion one of another’”  and that these are difficulties that no one can responsibly suggest would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively, though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking.” 

 Elder Holland says, 

“However bewildering this all may be (speaking of the various forms of psychoses and neuroses), these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor.”

Elder Holland emphasizes that if you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek priesthood blessings and get the best medical care available. We are expected to use the wonderful resources available to us.  On that same note, someone would seek that help from someone best suited to give medical advice for appendicitis.  So it’s possible that we may not know enough about a very personal and vulnerable situation to judge the amount of faith someone has, or the way they are applying the atonement in their lives.  I fear that sometimes in an effort to be right, those around us often forget that our ultimate goal is to have charity and one of the best ways to show charity is to withhold judgement. There is a lot of controversy and a lot of opinions in the world about the best ways to treat any sort of mental challenge.  For one person, one thing may work better than for another and our perception of what is happening may not be completely accurate.  For me, it took years to finally get a grasp on what treatments worked for me and to develop the skills necessary to live, what my parents and I prayerfully felt was a functioning life. 

So in his talk, Elder Holland gives specific council on how to respond to these challenges.  These points apply to both those who suffer with mental challenges, and to the loved ones around them, doing their best to help and love.  I’ll summarize and point out 5 of them.

1 - “Never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend.”

The Lord has promised that he will not leave us comfortless. He knows what things will provide us with the most peace and happiness and He will provide those blessings.  In his due time. However, he explains that, his ways are higher than our ways, and his thoughts higher than our thoughts.  He knows what tests in this mortal life will ultimately lead us to become more like him, and which ones will make us stronger.  One way I have seen God manifest His love for me during difficult times is particularly through angels - both seen and unseen.  Friends and family and even at times strangers have provided me with unconditional love and support that has completely pierced my soul.  These people strengthen my testimony and help me know of God’s love for me.  We need to recognize the hand of the Lord in all things, but we also need to BE the hand.  We need reach out to those around us realizing that we are all in need of the Savior, and we are ALL His children.  God’s love is always there for us.  

2 - “Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life.”  

• Study the Book of Mormon with diligence.  This will open up the gates of our hearts for the spirit to touch and comfort us.  It is a book of truth, and therefore light.  Even if the specific words in the particular scripture don’t bring comfort, reading it opens the way for the holy spirit to do so.  
• Serve others.  We must lose ourselves in the service of God in order to find ourselves.  I recently learned about a girl named Jocie who at about 19 years old was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.  This is the same young woman who in the Woman’s general session of conference, Sister Stephens spoke about.  For days at a time Jocie, couldn’t find the strength to even get out of her bed.  After years of searching for answers to her difficulties, she found the courage to step outside of herself and reach out to others to find joy in the journey.   She founded what is called the 444 project, based on the scripture Alma 44:4 -  

“Now ye see that this is the true faith of God; yea, ye see that God will support, and keep, and preserve us, so long as we are faithful unto him, and unto our faith, and our religion; and never will the Lord suffer that we shall be destroyed except we should fall into transgression and deny our faith.” 

For her project, she travels all around the world, inviting others to reflect on the things that bring them joy and what good things help get them out of bed in the morning.  She reminds them of the love of God and serves them by exemplifying it despite her own struggle to find light and peace.  In D&C 19:23, the Lord explains that 

“he who doeth the works of righteousness shall receive his reward, even peace in this world and eternal life in the world to come.”  

• Practice Gratitude.  Elder Holland said that

“Through any illness or difficult challenge, there is still much in life to be hopeful about and grateful for.”  

Growing up, my mom always encouraged me to literally count my many blessings.  She would tell me to sit down and write out all of my blessings big or small.  I can’t tell you how many sticky notes from work are filled, and school class notes interrupted by little lists of things I had to remind myself were blessings I enjoyed.  Even during dark times. These little lists were gifts to me.  They helped me move on in the day and my spirit was quickly lifted and I was humbled to give thanks to my Lord for His love. 

3 - “Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well being and ask for and cherish priesthood blessings.” 

When I was only 9 years old, I had an experience that was just the beginning of years and years and years of struggle.  My family was having FHE on a Monday night and I broke down into a complete panic attack.  I was completely overcome with a feeling of suffocation and despair.  At 9 years old.  I didn’t even know what the word “suicide” was, and yet I became completely lost in not wanting to have to deal with the pain I was feeling and to just return home with Heavenly Father.  In that moment, my dad stopped our family home evening to give me a priesthood blessing.  In between my sobs, I remember him telling me that the Savior carried out the atonement for me, and that in the Garden of Gethsemene He had felt what I was feeling. My dad promised that Jesus knew and loved me.  I remember my sobs slowing, and my breaths becoming deeper and longer as a feeling of calm and peace filled my soul.  I was finally able to fall asleep on the sheepskin rug on my parents’ floor - a place I would sleep for months at a time in the next several years.  We determined we needed to seek the counsel of my bishop.  He obviously wasn’t trained in therapy or in mental disorder, but he did have stewardship over me and he was able to connect my family with an LDS family therapist, a woman who I still to this day, refer to as “my Lisa.”  She was my children’s therapist for years, and inspired my desire to study social work and help others in a similar way.  She was one of my God-given, Priesthood-leader-inspired angels.  

4 - “Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”  

Elder Bednar explains that “the ordinances of salvation and exaltation administered in the Lord’s restored Church are far more than rituals or symbolic performances.  Rather, they constitute authorized channels through which the blessings and powers of heaven can flow into our individual lives.”  

I know of nothing else that can call upon the power of God into our troubled lives than  priesthood authorized ordinances, also including temple service and worship.    As far as the atonement goes, it is one of the basic principles of our gospel, and for me, it was only when I was reminded that the Lord knew perfectly my pain, that I was able to find a bit of peace.  The Lord pleads for us to let Him heal us.  Sister Stephens refers to Jocie, as I did before, who said that her mother so badly wanted to bear her pain and Jocie was deeply impressed to tell her mother, “You don’t have to, someone already has.”  In that moment, the spirit testified to her that Jesus Christ carries our burden’s because of his love and willingness to undergo all of our pain.  Cast your burden’s at his feet and trust in His promises to relieve us.  In his due time. 

5 - “Believe in Miracles.”  

President Monson says that Faith always precedes the miracles, so believe that the miraculous stories told of Christ healing the sick, still happen today and that they can happen for you and your loved ones as well.    

Elder Holland closes by saying that, 

“though we may feel we are like a broken vessel, as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter.  Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed.  While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgemental and kind.”  

I would also add, are we not all broken?  As King Benjamin says, 

“Are we not all beggars?  Do we not all depend upon the same being, even God?” I know that each of us is on a journey of healing and that true healing and happiness comes only from Jesus Christ and the blessings, resources and inspiration He provides for us.  We are also told to have joy in this life and what Elder Holland said are some great places to start in proactively obeying that counsel.   I know Christ  is never unaware of our suffering.  A sparrow does not fall to the earth except He knows it.  I also know that difficult times can bring us closer to Him and shape us to be exactly who He needs us to be.  I know of these things for myself because I have felt them and the Spirit has born witness of them to me personally.  If these are things that you don’t know yet, or are unsure about, stick with it.  Trust that God will show his hand.  In his due time.  I testify of His love and tenderness and friendship and miracles and pray that we can all be faithful, merciful, and joyful through Him.  

**********

I've become more and more...aware...I guess you could say of the mental struggles I face.  Not that my anxiety or depression has increased significantly - it has always fluctuated - but I have just become more cognizant of it in my life.  Every single day there are things that I do or feel or say that are results of these disorders.  To be honest I don't always realize it because They have sort of just become part of who I am.  Early on I learned to function with them in my life and I have made it work.  And it has worked.  

 Only a few months ago was I reminded that not everyone has the same views as I do about how the mind works, and about how to respond when someone around them has these burdens, or in my mind, blessings.  Having graduated from social work, I know many of the differing views.  I am aware of, and have studied about the various controversies about mental health and where it stems from, how it should be handled so on and so forth.  You'd think I would have known better than to just assume everyone I interacted with would be accepting of this "baggage" of mine.  

I have grown up being constantly surrounded by friends and family who immediately opened up to this part of me, who loved me not just despite it, but in some situations, more so because of it.  My friends have made me feel completely "normal" and I have always been able to just be myself with them.  They have taken me in in every way possible and I am forever grateful for them.  People who are close to me quickly learn my languages of receiving love and know that they often revolve around my anxiety, OCD, and depression.  And boy, did/do they know how to show me that love.  As my brother says, as he pats me on the head in the most endearing way possible... “constant validation is key with this one.”  haha (we have come a long way since him calling me OCD when I was 7 years old.  I was so offended by that).  

 I won't go into detail, but several months ago, as I mentioned before, someone I cared a lot about saw things differently than than the people closest to me, and I, see things.  I recognize and honestly appreciate that everyone has their own experiences and that those experiences shape their understandings of things.  I don't hold bitterness toward people who have learned things differently, but different experiences don't change the fact that I am far more than the labels on my medication bottles. No matter how much I tried to explain that I live an extremely happy, functional life, and that my disorders have only enlarged my heart and that I chose a career path as an effort only to help others, it was hard for our relationship to progress.  Then I learned that I shouldn’t have to defend or explain myself.  At first I was angry and extremely hurt.  In all my years of dealing with this, I have never been made to feel so “different” or so defined by these difficulties.  I felt a self-consciousness that I hadnt felt since I was a little girl barely learning about what these disorders even were, and that I had early onset versions of them.  I felt ashamed and questioned so much about my whole being that for a bit I had a hard time trusting people with this very vulnerable information. Then my anger turned to sorrow.  A type of Godly sorrow, I feel.  I felt sorry for anyone who limited not me, but themselves, by not embracing...me.  Even some of my weaknesses that I work every day to apply the atonement to, to make easier.  Much of the good of who I am comes from these burdens/blessings and the world of Hannah Joy Russon is far more than me just meeting that threshold of stress that I can handle before having to take a step back and allowing myself to reset.  It's more than me becoming fixated on ideas or concerns, then sometimes crossing lines while trying to be in complete control of  those things.  More than the face that I sometimes put on while trying to not be consumed by what is going on inside of me.  It’s more than me completely crashing and introverting after a long, hard week.  It’s me getting up and being better than I was before because of it.  It’s me learning skills necessary to turn my stumbling blocks into stepping stones. 

My anxiety scares me in the workplace. It scares me in dating.  How will people respond?  How will these things interfere?  How can I show people to not only look past these things, but to try to look with, or along side of them...to really know that this is not a filter to look at Hannah through, but is rather part of the picture itself...and it's beautiful.

  For me, I have learned to try to greet pain as the occasional visitation of an old friend.  A friend who has pushed me to my limits and stretched me and who, most importantly, has introduced me to another who also knows it well.  It is Him and our Father’s plan that I chose.  Pain in this life sometimes reminds me of that.  It reminds me that I am quite alive and there is great power in that.  I wouldn’t have the relationship with my Savior that I do now, had I not been drawn to my knees at such a young tender age.  To really know and understand pain is possibly one of the greatest gifts of our mortal experiences.  Without it we wouldn’t know joy.  I always pray that when I see the presence of pain in others’ lives, I will recognize it, and not turn away from it, but do my best to help lift, love, and encourage them.  Perhaps help quicken their coming to know the Savior as well.  No one can truly determine the amount of someone else’s applying the atonement of Christ (except maybe an authorized Priesthood leader).  One person may get up out of bed and live a seemingly normal life, another person may be bed-ridden for weeks at a time.   The two may have equally sacred relationships with God.  

So, having said all of this, this post is not a way for me to try to convince myself of what I want to believe.  It’s what I know about myself and what I have felt as I have gotten to know others in some of the most painful situations this life has to offer.  It’s not a post to belittle or deny the differences that we all have in the way we have been raised or what views have been instilled in our minds.  Quite the opposite, actually.  Its more of a prayer for people to just try to understand - to just try to embrace peoples’ stories and see the good in them, no matter what they may be.  This journey is a hard one and the least any of us can do is see that we may not know the whole truth in someone else’s situation and that we should love them for the divine beings they are rather than just the “convenient” parts of them.  The least we can do is try to bring others closer to Christ by sharing His love and mercy with them.    Because truly, are we not all broken?  Are we not all beggars requiring as much of that love as possible?  How wonderful it be to one day rejoice with one another in our perfected states.  Until then...hello pain, my old friend. 

For Now

The past few months have gone by like a whirlwind and I often find myself thinking, "how did this even happen?"  I haven't had much time to process all of it, which have made everything sort of drag out in a lot of ways.  During all of the chaos I was talking to a friend and I asked her how I was going to get through it and she said, "you'll just turn it into another one of your inspirational blog posts that I'll love reading."  I laughed it off, but its true that writing on this blog is a great way for me to think through things and express the feelings of my heart.
Let me start off by telling about an experience I had pretty early on in working for the division of child and family services.  It had been a rough day in court and I was on my way back to the office when I had my first "on-the-job" meltdown (obviously to be followed by many more, but that is expected with this line of work).  I pulled into our parking structure feeling completely defeated because I couldn't tell, like the other caseworkers could, that one of our clients was extremely impaired and under the influence.  That's something I had been working to be able to recognize and this time it went clear over my head.  With such a seemingly small thing, came a whole lot of other things that, again, I hadn't been able to process and the tears started to flow.  Uncontrollably.  I thought about how hard I had worked to graduate in social work and how it had been a goal for me for the majority of my life due to a lot of divine intervention and direction, but that I couldn't shake the thought that no matter what I was doing, I had an emptiness in my heart.  All I wanted was to be able to have my own family that I would do everything in my power to raise unto Christ.  I began to pray amidst all my tears.  I felt like Hannah from the bible and I sort of started to make fragmented promises to the Lord about what I would do if I could just have my own family  I asked God, "why am I here?  Why are you having me do this?  All I want is to be a wife and a momma..." In an instant of both humility and recognition, my shoulders sort of dropped and I prayed, "except to do your will...I want that more."  Needless to say, those words were somewhat difficult for me to muster out, and the Lord didn't answer my "why" questions right then and there, but He did give me reassurance that He did have a plan for me.  He did remind me that there were very specific assignments that He had in mind for me to fulfill and I was motivated by that and I was strengthened enough to move.
Fast forward a few months and I started dating someone and to be completely honest and vulnerable, I started getting my hopes up.  A lot.  I was falling fast.  Well, long story shortish, that lasted for only a couple of months and for various reasons that I don't completely understand and, in moments of weakness, still have a hard time not trying to analyze everything to death, we broke up.   During that time of "break-up" trauma I also quit my job with DCFS, days later got hired on in a new job, and moved home.  All of this happening in a matter of weeks - these big life-changing things - happening in a matter of weeks, thus making me a very flustered and fragile person.  I had been looking for other jobs outside of DCFS for a while because I started to recognize that this job wasn't for me.  I was good at it, and was begged to stay, but I promised myself before I graduated that if I ever worked somewhere and I started to see myself change at all, I would quit.  So I did. Anyway, miracles happened and without even applying for another job, I was offered a position as a kindergarten teacher.  I then went of a much needed and divinely timed vacation with my best friend.  Upon getting home though...that's when everything started to hit.  I tried to look back at the last month and figure out what had happened and it honestly seemed like a blur.  A blur that was out of my control almost!  Looking back now though I know it was the Lord completely taking me by the hand and guiding me.  All of this is completely and totally to His credit.  Again, I really don't even know what happened - it all happened so fast.  We are promised that as we try to stay obedient to the Lord though, that He will guide us.  That is exactly what he has done.   However, that doesn't mean that I haven't resisted all of this change.  It has been a tough pill to swallow.  I moved home after thinking I was out for good and while I love home, I couldn't help upon unpacking all of my things that somehow I had regressed and lost some of my independence per se.  It's good to be home and with my family and things have slowed down, but this feels so awkward.  People say, "oh you are so young.  Focus on yourself right now."  Yes, I am young, but that doesn't make the sheer longing for a family of my own go away, and I am so over focusing on myself.  My soul knows better and it has gotten to the point that at times when I look on facebook or instagram and see pictures of people getting engaged, or wedding pictures, or pictures of mommas meeting their babies for the first time, it makes me physically ill.  Not because I am jealous, or because of any bitterness toward those people, my life, and especially not toward God.  It is that piece of my spirit that longs for eternal things and for the opportunity for my most important roles to be fulfilled.
I was talking to my mom the other day and I admitted that all of my best friends  - guys and girls - are married and having babies and while I rejoice for them, it puts me in a fairly lonely position at times.  I told her that right now its hard for me to see what my next steps in life may be and that I feel like I am in a bit of a rut/standstill even though I know its quite the opposite.  I know that all of this sort of "breaking down" of what I know or am comfortable in is happening just so the Lord can build me back up in the way He needs to.  He is really setting the stage for whatever He has planned for me in my career, in my education, in my spiritual growth and in my eternal progression and in my future family.  I know that.  I can feel it deep deep within me.  I don't know when or where or how I will meet my husband and I t's hard to not pick myself apart thinking about what I need to change in order to be able to get married or maybe if I did something differently or maybe this or that is what's wrong with me but I know those thoughts are not from the Lord and I can't think like that.   I don't know if my career will go the exact direction I have always thought it would and I don't even know my next step yet but please don't get me wrong.  I am astounded at the blessings I have.  I am incredibly privileged and I am honored and humbled by the gifts I am given and I know that this is a special time of life filled with opportunities and refinement.  I share these things because I believe in vulnerability.  I believe that we can each relate to one another in profound ways and that hopefully we can be lifted by the lessons we are each learning in life and that somewhere out there, what I have to share might help someone else as I am constantly helped by the things those around me have to share.  I know I am not alone and the Lord often reminds me what a wonderful time of life this is and that no matter what stage I am in, there will always be challenges.  Yet, there will always be joy as well.  Always joy in the journey.  So, for now, I do my best not to focus on myself, but on others as I know there are always ways to serve and give and lose myself in the assignments I so desperately want to fulfill.  For now I trust and above all, I hope.  I hope that God does have a plan for me and that those moments of stillness when I feel Him close are very real and He is comforting me and letting me know He is aware and incredibly involved.  For now I throw my hands up and give my will to the Lord, grateful that I don't have to know the "why's" because He does, and for now, that is enough.

EMERGENCY

Again, I know it has been forever since I have posted.  I promise I journal in my personal journal and lately my mind has just been full of so many other things, I haven't had the time or brain capacity to form clear writing thoughts!  But my experience tonight led me to have very clear thoughts of how I should express myself and so I felt like I better run with it.  So, in case you didn't know, I just started a new job!  It is a fantastic job with the state.  I have a fancy badge on one of of those cool zip-line things that hooks to my belt loop, and I know codes and secret stuff and I'm learning a lot.  I moved just for the job and I love my new place.  I'm getting to know my roommates and so far we are becoming friends.  However...ooooohhhh HOWEVER.  This.  Is.  Hard.  I didn't know.  I didn't know I would struggle so much.  I feel like I'm having a harder time transitioning to this than I did when I moved away to college for the first time.  I call my mom a lot.  This is a hard field to be going into.  There are a lot of heavy things I'm trying to prepare myself to have to deal with.  Right now I'm reading an assigned book about how to prevent secondary trauma in the workplace.  So tonight while reading that, I had an absolute MELTDOWN.  I was so incredibly overcome with self-doubt and fear.  I was ready to march into my supervisor's office tomorrow morning and tell him I couldn't do it.  I got scared of the things I was going to have to face.  I started to feel suffocated thinking about having a full-time job and being restricted in a lot of ways because of that (hello, no two week Christmas break?).  I got scared that this job would change me - that I wouldn't be my happy/optimistic self after so long.  I wanted to pack up my things and just go home.  So I knelt down and told the Lord all of my fears.  I told Him I didn't think I could do it, that I came this far and maybe that was good enough.  After praying for a bit and getting my sobs under control, I knew I needed to get to the temple.  And fast.  It all of the sudden became this mad rush to get to the temple.  I quickly changed and with a warm washcloth did my best to wipe the "cry" off of my face.  With PB&J in hand I ran down the steps of my apartment building.  I felt like I was on my way to the hospital or something.  Never in my life have I felt such an urgency to get to the temple.  I couldn't think of anything else besides getting there.
What a blessing the temple is.  It is everything.  Being there tonight healed my soul.  Immediately I started to feel lighter.  I started to feel alive again after being so consumed with doubt and fear.  This was home.  It was a hospital.  A spiritual hospital.  I felt lifted and empowered.  I felt strengthened and supported by my loving Heavenly Father and Savior.  While there I was reminded that angels are around me and that they will bear me up.  I felt the Lord say to stick to it, even just for a bit longer.  One day at a time.  There is a plan.  In no way am I alone in this.  I was reminded of this by going to the temple.  In my complete loss of confidence and everything I was doing, I (quite literally) fled to the temple and was reminded of God's love.  Oh, how we all need to do this.  Whether it means we need to get there more often, or it means we do everything in our power to become worthy to enter, I would most definitely say that there is, indeed, urgency to this.  So much urgency.  Go.  Please, please go.  I know the temple is a sacred, heavenly place.  It is the house of the Lord.  It connects us to Him.  Without the strain and confusion of the world, I can feel Heavenly Father and Jesus' love so easily there.  In what I would consider a spiritual and emotional emergency, I was desperate to get to the temple tonight

and I pray I always will be.

My Miracle

So I have been debating writing about this  just because it could be taken the wrong way by some.  I feel, though, that not writing about it and sharing it would be me not acknowledging that a miracle did in fact happen.  It needs to be shared.  Be warned.  It gets a bit personal.
A couple of months ago I started feeling tenderness in my right breast.  I tried to brush it off and just think of different things it could be...maybe I was sleeping on it weird or something.  I started giving myself little breast examinations just about every day trying to feel for lumps.  If you didn't know though, the breast is lumpy tissue anyway so that made it rough to figure out if it was really anything or not.  However, I continued to have to have pain in a very isolated spot and I started to get more and more nervous.  I was also having some breathing problems and my chest was hurting a lot so I got scared that they were somehow related.  In my mind I thought the worst thing possible - I had cancer and it had spread to my lungs.  So I made an appointment with the campus wellness center.  I explained what was going on and they were more concerned about my heart and lungs that anything else.  EKG and chest X-ray showed nothing wrong in either though.  The doctor told me it was probably a new way my body was trying to cope with stress.  Okay.  Then they told me I could go.  I quickly reminded them about my other concern and the nice lady doctor gave me a quick breast exam.  She told me to show her where my pain was.  I pointed.  She felt.  Lump.  She told me I would need to go get an ultrasound at the hospital the next morning.  She also immediately told me that the fact that I have tenderness is a good sign - less tumor-like.  She said she thought it was probably just a fibrosis agnoma (or something like that.  I don't know the terms).  Okay, great, well I'm still scared.  I left feeling extremely discouraged and scared.  I tried to just stay positive while I was at my internship, but the second I got back to my apartment, I lost it.  The only thing I could do was fall to my knees and pray.  I knelt there weeping.  I was terrified.  I told Heavenly Father that it has always been easy for me to trust Him when it came to all things physical.  I knew that if my family members were ever to get sick, or if I were ever to get sick, it would be His doing and we had something to learn.  In my mind, I put my hands out like I so often have - completely lost at what to do or think and just trying to be open to whatever answers He might give.  I asked Him what I had to learn from this and how I could have peace.  In that moment I thought about the other concerns I have in my life - mostly dating and school related decisions.  In that moment Heavenly Father told me through the Spirit that I needed to trust Him in ALL things.  Not just all things physical.  My sobs paused for a moment as I tried to process the impression I had just had.  I felt a wave of humility and relief at the reminder that I can truly give my burdens to the Lord - that I didn't have to do anything on my own.  I felt peace and stillness.  I knew things were going to be okay.  Still my mom came up to Logan so I wouldn't have to go to a scary appointment by myself - after all, what if it was scary news?  I wasn't about to find out I had cancer by myself.  So we went to the appointment, got my ultrasound and there was NOT a mass.   A small cancer-less enflamed gland or group of fibers or whatever (I don't know - I was just focusing on the fact that it wasn't a tumor).  They said we would keep an eye on it and if it got worse or seemingly bigger that we would do a biopsy, but so far so good!  Cancer free, baby!  Again.  Relief.
I left the hospital with my mom feeling a little sheepish at the ordeal this had been just for it to turn out to be nothing.  Why had I been so afraid?  Then I told her my experience praying and she told me that if that experience was what this was for, then it was worth it.  I had a special experience with my father in heaven and with my loving older brother.  I felt their love and was told that I could trust them no matter what.  Some things in my life are just as out of my control as getting breast cancer is.  The Lord is in charge though.  That, I had to know for sure.  My mom and I had a good talk about how sweet it was that God would give me this opportunity to learn from Him.
I think of this experience often when I get caught up in trying to have control over everything and when I start to feel impatient about different things in my life.  "Trust me in all things - not just the physical," He said.  So maybe me not having cancer wasn't exactly the miracle in this situation.  I obviously never had it and while it was an incredible relief to not have it, I think the more profound miracle was the spiritual experience I had the night before and the next morning in realizing what had happened.  Like the woman who touched Christ's robes knowing she would be healed, my cancer-free self was not the miracle - it was that my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus were strengthened.  The Lord showed His hand in a way I hadn't really expected.  He taught me a lesson I needed.  Right there in my little apartment, next to my stilted bed and mini fridge.  He taught me a lesson I won't ever forget.     That is absolutely a miracle!  And they happen everyday if we are willing to listen.  If we will humble ourselves enough to let Him reach us, He will.  He always will.  I know we have a loving Heavenly Father who is watching over us.  I know we have a Savior and Redeemer in Jesus Christ.  He is in everything good.  How grateful I am for the constant line of communication we have with those who love us perfectly.  How grateful I am for the any lesson and answer I can get whenever they deem fit.  How grateful I am for the constant miracles they reveal to us if we turn to them.  I believe in Miracles, indeed.  

"Look to God and Live"

     One bible story that has always amazed me, especially the way it is talked about in Alma 33, is the story of the fiery serpents and the brass serpent.  The account in Numbers 21 explains how many of the people of Israel were sinful, so the Lord sent serpents as punishment.  Many of the people were killed from being bitten by these serpents, but Moses prayed and was instructed to make a brass serpent for the sick people to simply look to.  That's it.  All they had to to do was look at it and they would be healed.  The accounts in Alma are my favorite.  Alma 33: 19 - 22 says, 

19.  Behold, he was spoken of by Moses; and behold a type was raised up in the wilderness, that whosoever would look upon it might live.  And many did look and live.  

20.  But few understood the meaning of those things and this because of the hardness of their hearts.  But there were many who were so hardened that they would not look, therefore they perished.  Now the reason they would not look is because they did not believe that it would heal them.   

21.  Oh my brethren, if ye could be healed by merely casting about your eyes that ye might be healed, would ye not behold quickly, or would ye rather harden your hearts in unbelief and be slothful, that ye would not cast about your eyes, that ye might perish?

22.  If so, wo shall come upon you; but if not so, then cast about your eyes and begin to believe in the Son of God, that he will come to redeem his people, and that he shall suffer and die to atone for their sins; and that he shall rise again from the dead, which has bring to pass the resurrection, that all men shall stand before him, to be judged at the last and judgment day, according to their works.   

     1Nephi 17:41 reads:

41.  ...[the Lord] prepared a way that they might be healed; and the labor which they had to perform was to look; and because of the simpleness of the way, or the easiness of it, there were many who perished.  

     Those who refused to look saw the healing power the Lord had prepared for them and I'm sure they were happy for their loved ones being healed, yet they wouldn't be healed themselves.  Why?  It's so easy just to look!  They just had to look.  In the past whenever I have read this I have just been dumbfounded at...well...how dumb they were NOT to look!!!  However I look back at the last several months and realize that I have related to them as well.  Their hearts were hardened, perhaps mostly against themselves.  We can be so hard on ourselves.  Perhaps they didn't believe they were deserving of such healing.  

     I think of how often I will sit down with a dear friend and testify with all that I am that the atonement of Jesus Christ can work for them - that if they keep their covenants they can be happy - these are things I know with all my heart.  Yet, when it comes to my sorrows, insecurities, and hurts, I forget that the plan of happiness is not just for everyone else, but it is for me.  Christ will heal even me.  

     This has been a humbling yet empowering realization for me.  Our Savior and older brother is in this with me - not just the people around me.  We are in this together and I am His.  Making a constant effort to have my focus and vision be on Him has made such a big difference for me in the last several nights.  I too can be healed.  

     I need Him and the way is simple.  It is through Him and only Him.  Whatever else I don't "understand" at this time...whatever else may not be "simple" in my mind...well, I still look.  Eye on the target, I will believe that Christ's miracles will work for me too - that He loves ME enough to make me happy as well.

I will allow myself to do as it says in Alma 37, and "look to God and live." 

Transition

So, I've started dating someone.  Someone called myself.  Yes, it's true.  No, this is not a pity party, this is an empower-Hannah-because-she-feels-empowered party.  From spending a Friday night coloring a picture for myself to sitting on the floor next to my cinderblock supported bed of my college apartment while painting my nails and listening to some of my favorite songs and noticing that my hands are getting older (whoa run-on sentence)...I am on my way to getting to know myself again.  To figuring out how to have my heart to myself for a while.  To finding myself by losing myself.  Losing myself to my calling, to serving, to my school work, to being a true friend, to being an open book, to fresh starts - even the scary ones.  We live and we learn, don't we?  And LIVE, we must!!  Give up a bit of the control.  Palms up, ya'll.
Here's to drinking milk from the carton.  Here's to multi-colored finger nails and to songs that express what you can't.  Here's to building new bridges from the ashes of the very ones we have just burned - some we worked hard to burn, and some we watched burn without much say of our own.  Here's to changing the world one daddy-daughter date at a time - especially the Heavenly kind.  I like those.  Here's to feeling so small yet, big as the whole out doors at the same time.  Here's to sitting in the Logan temple parking lot in your car by yourself while eating leftover pie and crying because only four people showed up to your Relief Society activity.  Ha, here's to making funny faces without even trying and then laughing and slapping your forehead about it right after.  And here's to the transition moments in our lives when it feels like little progress is happening but in reality everything is preparing you for blessings that have yet to be put in place.
So, sit.  Get to know yourself a bit.  And heck, even like yourself!!  Like ALOT!  Because whoever really does get to date you one day is one lucky friggin' dog.  ;)  But until then, little girl crushes can bring you lots of joy.
I think this is going to be a very long, beautiful, fantastic, fruitful relationship with me, myself, and I.
God is good.
Cheers!

Progress

Two steps forward and one step back.

Sometimes its okay to cry and again be fragile.

Sometimes you have to acknowledge the heart attack

because being brave and strong is usually how it's handled,

then everything is torn up by a dream or two in your sleep.

So you lay down in the dark listening to your favorite love songs

trying to pretend they don't have the same meaning they used to keep.

A plan is what you had, how do you let go of something that lasted so long?

You've "tasted flight" as they all say,

and until you're back in the air you do all you can to fly.

Move.

Try, try, try.

What are you trying to prove?

It's fine because most of the time you do.

But today was a bit of a haze.

You felt feelings you aren't supposed to feel anymore.

You don't even know when you'll get back everything you gave.

You give and you give what's already been gone.

Yet regret.  There's none of that, learning is what it was for.

Now you wonder if the step back was so wrong.

What if things are not quite as you thought?

Well honestly you don't know - you haven't all along.

 You can't just go by the opinions you've always fought.  

It's your heart.  God's too. 

He walks you through.  

So you step up to tomorrow, you move yet again.

Sleeves are rolled up and who knows where the future will go.

But it's hopeful as the sun that comes up, the world to mend.

Now you choose to be happy, because we all know...

we reap what we sew.

Two steps forward and one step back.

A Man is Stronger on His Knees, Than He is on His Feet

I'm fairly ashamed to say that for the longest time, I said my personal prayers without kneeling.  I have always grown up seeing my mom and dad kneel to say their personal prayers - at the beginning of the day before work, or before starting the daily chores, and at the end of the day when they could barely think straight.  I've always known that kneeling is the best way, that it shows respect to God, that it is reverent to do so, and all of those things.  But.  I have always just hopped in bed to say them, or if anything, sit up or kneel in my bed.  Of course, we all know what happens when you try to say your prayers while laying down.  You fall asleep.  Some mornings I would even notice myself finishing that fragmented prayer between pushing the snooze button.  I would always say my morning prayers (once I finally learned that lesson - that I couldn't NOT say my morning prayers without it greatly impacting my day) in the car, or on the bus, or walking to campus.   I guess I just sort of justified - as if it were some sort of "understanding between me and Heavenly Father" or that "that's just how our relationship is."  Oh, lanta.  How ridiculous is that.  Im cringing.  Like, gagging a little bit.  If you don't know what deception is - that's it.  Oh, but He was kind.  I know Heavenly Father still listened.  He never ceased to show me His love or answer my prayers.  He waited patiently for me to learn my lesson....which, I did.  One day when I was studying in 3rd Nephi, I read the scriptures about Christ going off on His own and  kneeling to pray to His father.  They were scriptures that I had read many times, but it hit me so hard that day!  If our Savior, the king of kings himself, kneels to our Father in Heaven...then I am dust!  Well, I sure wished to be dust at that moment because at least dust does exactly what the Lord expects it to.  Who am I to not kneel?  How selfish I had been?!  Now, I think the chastisement I put on myself was even more harsh than the gentle reminder that the Lord had to give me in that moment, but I sure realized how important it was for me to kneel when I can.  

Let me tell you something...it has made all the difference.  My relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ has changed.  I LOVE kneeling, on my own, morning and night, to talk to my Father.  I love it!  Probably some of my favorite parts of the day.  I was only hurting myself by not kneeling before!  Now, of course sometimes I forget to kneel before running out the door in the morning, or sometimes I'm too cold, and just have to hop under my covers!  And of course, my prayers throughout the day - when I'm in class, or in a specific situation, or not at home - are just said in my heart, but even those prayers have seemed more meaningful because I have chosen to kneel when I can.  The communication line just got so much clearer!  Sahhh-weeeeet!!!!    

Guys, I'm not telling this story to do a big awkward confession, or to boast of my magnificent epiphany or whatevers haha.  I'm telling it to share that I know that from small things come GREAT things.  Oh, the lessons we learn in this life...sometimes over and over and over again because we are goofball humans.  Also, to share how real deception is!  What?!  Not me, I don't get decieved.  HA!  Yes, yes you do.  In little itty bitty ways.  In tiny, justification-you-don't-think-it-has-to-apply-to-you ways....IT ALL APPLIIIIIIES!!!  :)  Always.  Because God is good and He loves us, that's why.  

I need some Graham Canyon: Part II

If you're confused, please refer back to THIS post.  

So you get to the top of the mountain.  Victorious.  Tired.  Relieved.  It's nice there, but it isn't everything you expected it to be.  Not that it is bad, but you feel that for you, there is more.  Something is missing.  Perhaps time is all it would take, but what do you do NOW?  At first you're a bit confused and afraid.  "How could this be? Everything in me told me this was right."  However, as the confusion clears, clarity replaces it.  Clarity that "it could be" because the Lord allowed it to be - because it was what YOU wanted.  You realize that sometimes the Lord teaches us lessons in His timing and in His ways, but sometimes He teaches us lessons in our timing and in a way that is best for us.  You are overwhelmed with gratitude for His mercy and know that it is because of His strength you are well.  You feel His love more than almost ever before.  You feel that His wing is stretched over you as it has been all along.  "What a climb!" you say.  But not as a regretful exclamation - as a joyful one because you discovered, you learned, you stuck to something you knew in your heart that you needed to.  You saw it through to the end.  You gave 100% and surrendered to the feelings of your heart, and indeed, there is no regret in that.  Most importantly you came closer to your Savior and to the supporters along the way.  You learned how to rely on Christ in the hardest of times.  You are now more yourself than when you set out on your journey.  And even though the view at the top isn't what you hoped it would be, you are grateful for it because although for a time the climb was just a means to that ideal end, the end was really the motivator and the means to the journey.  Sometimes the dream of the top was the only thing that could move you in several facets of life.  What was it for then, if not for what you expected?  It was for you, of course - as all challenges are.  From the bottom of your heart you are grateful.  God is merciful. 

Of course, there is still room to mourn a bit.  Any time you have to move on on let go of something that you have invested so much of yourself into, you have to go through a bit of an emotional process.  A bit of redefining and self-searching has to take place.  But mostly blind faith has to take place.  As you take the first few steps of your continued climb, as you leave that mountain top behind, a few tears are shed.  But.  You know your guide.  He is leading you and because of that, you move. 

Excitement sparks.  Optimism sets in and hope for maybe a new dream - one that you know nothing about ensues.  So, here you go.  On to the next climb.  Forward.  Up.  Hey, maybe even in a circle and back again allowing for that time to settle dust.  Who knows?  Well, the Lord does and when you trust in Him, the future really does hold everything.

YOU are enough

 It was something I had been thinking about for a bit, but honestly, I was quite discouraged with my inability to get an answer.  I wanted to make sure that I was listening and doing the Lord's will above anything else.  It wasn't something that I was confident in because it was kind of against my plans.  Don't we all have plans for ourselves?!  However, one night during Savior of the World, I got my answer.  It was during Zacharias' and Elizabeth's song.  "We must leave it in the Lord's hands and not worry."  It was then that I decided to not sit in my fear, but to let the Lord lift me up out of it - that I could truly give this to Him.  So I did, and that's when I got my answer.  During the next scene of the show, I had absolute clarity of mind.  I was overwhelmed with peace that I knew could only be from the Lord.  I can count on one hand how many times I have had such clear direction in my life - absolutely knowing that something was what the Lord wanted me to do.  Auditioning for the core cast of the Nauvoo Pageant was one of them.  
There were times before auditioning, that I would get scared and want to back out, but I was quickly and gently reminded of the feelings that I had that night during Savior of the World, and there was no way I could or would go against that. 
The audition process was such a sweet experience.  I went in there feeling scared and intimidated and tiny and came out feeling loved and strengthened and empowered through the teachings of our Savior.  Before going in, Cami kept reminding me, "Hannah, you are enough."  There was no need for the feeling of inadequacy because what we each had to offer at the audition was all that was needed.  Our testimonies that we could share through the process was what would make the difference.  They had us sing and read lines from the show, and every time we would get done with a scene we would all talk about the principles taught in the lines and about the testimonies shared through them.  The lines from the show are absolutely inspired.  We were in there representing people who were trying to build Zion, and it felt like a little mini Zion right then and there - complete strangers were connected through the gospel.   The people I was surrounded by are my brothers and sisters and I could feel that!  

My favorite part was when I got to read as Emma Smith.  We were telling the story about how the Relief Society began and I loved getting to share my testimony.  Even though I was reading lines for Emma, I was still able to share MY testimony through the words.  I also got to read the line, “to know what it is to lose one you love and bare a sorrow.”  It’s the line of a lady who had lost her baby boy and found peace through the promises of the temple.  When I read that line, it hit me so powerfully that not only do we lose ones we love physically, but we lose loved ones spiritually as well, and indeed, we do bare that sorrow.  I was overwhelmed with the feeling that we can’t afford to lose any more of our dear brothers and sisters, and that we truly need to be a part of the rescue.   It was a humbling experience, reminding me of the work I need to do!  I felt vulnerable and see-through and open and happy.  Truly happy!  Walls were broken down, and my heart was softened.  By the end of the audition/call back process I was exhausted.  I went through such a range of powerful emotions and feelings and I would do it again and again and again in a heart beat.  To be able to give in that way was a blessing to me.
I have no idea whether I'll make it or not.  For this kind of thing, it is not just about the amount of talent your have, or the hours of experience you've accumulated...it is about what the Lord knows is best.  I was definitely NOT one of the more polished performers there, and I was honored to work with such people, but I felt that what I had to offer was ME.  It was Hannah and it was honest.  And I can feel good about that.  Whatever happens, something that was reassured to me through this experience is that I know the Lord has a plan for me.  Through His enabling power, I was given the strength to do something that was out of my comfort zone and to do something that has changed my life.  
I end my post with this:   Sometimes the gifts the Lord gives us are eternal, and some are for a short durations.  Whatever the case may be, we need to use those gifts as much as we can now and measure our worth not by the gifts we possess, but by the knowledge that we are sons and daughters of a divine being...that He loves us...
and that we ARE enough. 

Turning Stones.

     A lot of people have asked me why I am going in to social work. Ha, sometimes they look at me like I am going to be one of those weird Psychologist eccentrics that gets all uppity trying to find answers to everything through the scholarly theories of man. That's not who I want to be.  I want to help people.  Particularly the little ones.  So, I figure now is as good of a time as ever to tell why I love social work so much, and the development of that love.   I applaud you if you read this whole thing.   A little personal (and it is very personal) history (part of my application essay):

      When I was seven years old I started seeing a family therapist for various reasons.  I didn’t really understand all of it at the time; I just knew that it was supposed to help me not feel my “scared bugs” as my dad would affectionately call them.  Some of my “scared bugs,” or anxieties, included being obsessed with the idea that I was suddenly dying of heart attack, getting extremely sick from germs, or being taken out of my room at night.  I would constantly be checking my fingernails to see if they were turning purple.  If I felt any sort of pain in my left arm, I rushed to tell my mom so she would know what to do.  I washed my hands so frequently that they dried, cracked, and bled.  When I would make my bed in the morning, it was a little makeshift bed on the floor of my parent’s room because I refused to sleep alone.  It wasn’t always like this, but it was like this frequently enough that my parents decided it would be a good idea to get me to a therapist.  I would go for phases at a time, depending on my progress, then stop for a while to see how I did on my own.  I was put on medication at ten years old; that helped too.  It wasn’t until about ninth grade that we finally got my medication, and the skills necessary to control my anxiety, figured out.  It was also around that time that I started being personal and open and I would share, hoping that others would share with me in return.  I wouldn’t mind telling people about the troubles that I had faced, and sometimes still continued to, because in a way, it allowed for walls to be broken down and we were able to learn from each other.  Because of the things I had been through as a troubled seven year old, I understood the possible vulnerabilities that others might be facing as well.  Because of what I had been through, I learned to have a sensitivity to people and an insight to the unexpressed.  

Dr. Calloway-Graham said that she was fifteen years old when she realized that social work is a calling and that it was what she knew she wanted to do with her life.  July 1, 2007 was that day for me.  I was also fifteen years old.  I wept.  It was a sacred experience to me. I remember talking about it with my parents, and having a sort of empowered feeling knowing that so often the best kind of help can come from someone who has experienced, even in some small way, similar difficulties and that my life is not my own.  I need to serve.   I wanted to use the hardship I had experienced, and turn it into strengths that could help others.  July 1, 2007 was the day I knew I wanted to be a children’s therapist.  I wanted to do what my therapist had done for me and so many other little ones.  Ever since then, I have had no question of what I wanted to do with my life.   Ever since then I have only tried to amplify the qualities that I began to develop in my childhood and early teens - qualities of empathy, insight, sensitivity, openness, the desire to learn, the desire to teach, and especially the desire to empower and encourage.

     I recently finished reading a book for my SW 2400 class called Turning Stones.  It's the story of a man who was a caseworker for a children's welfare service in NYC.  Heavy read.  Super heavy read.  Not for the faint of heart by any means.  In fact, the first night I started reading this, I had a bit of a panic attack:  "Can I really do this?! Can I really be exposed to this kind of tragedy and live MY life happily too?  Will I be able to make any sort of impact on kids who have experienced these kinds of things?"  After a quick prayer and an email from my inspired dad (remember THIS miracle post?), I was overwhelmed with a resounding "YES."  While the stories that Marc Parent tells in this book are absolutely horrific, it is brilliantly written and inspiring.  In the last few chapters he tells a story about how a group of nuns went on a field trip of sorts.  They would drive all over their state, and stop at beautiful sights, and then they would climb right back on to the bus to go to the next one.  At each stop, one of the nuns - an old, fragile lady - would go off a ways, and simply turn over some random rock.  Soon all the other nuns started noticing, so they asked her why she did this strange ritual.  Confidently the old woman responded, "I turn a stone so that the place is different because I have been there."  At the next stop the other nuns, reflecting on her words, couldn't help but do the same.  Without letting each other see, they quickly flipped one over with their toe, or discretely turned one over while bending down to tie their shoe.  In the next few bus stops, they no longer worried about discretion, but were flipping rocks openly!  They began to challenge and encourage one another to move bigger stones!  They worked together to push over the heavier ones, and indeed, left every place "different" because they had been there.  

     Why do you think Marc Parent told this story after experiencing some of the darkest nights of his life?  Because it is what Social Workers do.  It is what I want, so badly, to do.  He said, after he learned the very hard way, that you can't measure change.  "I'd been quantifying my actions with the families I visited.  The lives I encountered were so thoroughly stained with hopelessness and despair that I saw nothing I could do in a single evening to turn things around - and if I couldn't make it all right, if I couldn't split the earth in half, then what was the use?"  The opportunity is to "touch a life at a critical moment and make it better - [maybe] not for a lifetime - but for a moment.  One moment - not to talk, but to act - not to change the world, but to make it better."  To me, that is in fact changing the world.  Small can be great.  Thinking systematically is hard and sometimes quite ineffective.  Thinking individually first,  and then working together to turn over even the biggest stones is better.  Micro, then Mezzo, then Macro.  Kinda that "pay it forward" concept, I guess.  Individuals matter.  

     I love the talk given in this last conference, "Protect the Children" by Dalin H. Oaks.  Beautiful.  Inspiring.  Encouraging beyond measure.  "We are all under the Savior's command to love and care for each other and especially for the weak and defenseless.  Children are highly vulnerable.  They have little or no power to protect or provide for themselves...Children need others to speak for them, and they need decision makers who put their well-being ahead of selfish adult interests."  

Doesn't all of this make you want to stand up, march right up to any child you know and give him or her the biggest, love-transferring hug you can can possibly give?!  Oh, I love the little ones.  I admire them immensely.  They are the ones changing the world!   I'm so excited to be able to give little ones any sort of light in these ever-darkening times.  I'm so excited to be enabled through the Savior and to learn to love them in the most Christ-like way my human self possibly can.  I can't wait to have my own - to teach them and give them everything I can. 

      It is a process, and accepting that we aren't going to "split the earth in half" doesn't mean tolerating big problems, it means giving encouraging words, kissing ouchies better, gently teaching a principle, allowing the sky to be the limit.  It means real change that we can do every single day.....

THAT is why I want to be a social worker.  

Please Father, guide my heart.

"All Flesh is in His Hands."

Last night after finding out the outcome of the elections, and in an effort to escape all of the negativity, mockery, and disrespect found on my facebook home page, I opened my scriptures.  Soon after beginning to read, I found my mind wondering back to the worst-case scenarios and "what if"'s.  Almost immediately in response to those questions, the thought came to my mind, "then we will depend on the Lord."  I then read  the following scripture (not because I purposefully turned there, but because it "happens" to be exactly where I am in the Book of Mormon):
 "Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ having a perfect brightness of hope and love of God and of ALL MEN.  Wherefore if ye shall press forward feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father:  Ye shall have eternal life." 
A small smile went across my face as a feeling of peace filled my body.  "Yes," I thought, "then we will depend on the Lord because 'All flesh is in His hands.'"
There is little about all of this political stuff that I really understand, so that doesn't leave me with a whole lot of room to create strong opinions for myself, so today while mowing the lawn (where I actually tend to do a lot of pondering) in the beautiful fall air, I tried to figure out exactly where I stand in all of this.  I could only think of last night.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude and hope!  I could only think of how grateful I am for the country that I live in.  As people all over the place tease about moving to other countries, I am grateful for this one - that we don't know what it is really like to have a terrible, dictator-like figure as the leader of our home-land, like in other countries.  Grateful to know that no matter what goes on in this world, it is NOT what we need to depend our happiness on.  Grateful to know that all hardship that we face in this life will be compensated for because of Jesus Christ.  Grateful to know that the Lord cares enough about me to give me a little peace of mind when others around me seemed to be in utter panic!  It's going to be alright!
I pray for the leaders of our country - whoever they may be.  I pray that we can continue to "lift where we stand" no matter the circumstance.  More than anything though, I pray that all can come unto Christ and find peace in His promises.

A Post on Broken Hearts

In the last several months I have seen a few of my dearest friends get their hearts broken.  The kind of broken that only comes when one has fallen in love, but something somewhere along that road goes wrong...or is it right?  Either way - even if it does end up being right - it is a painful thing.  I don't understand.  I have struggled to know what to tell these sweet friends of mine.  My brother-in-law was telling me last night that sometimes we need to prepare for the worst, but expect the best.  How does one prepare for something like a broken heart, or the loss of a family member, or for any of life's major blows for that matter?  Preparing for the worst seems to mean to give up hope, but no one should live like that.  I honestly believe that the only way one can prepare for any form of heartache is by strengthening one's faith in, and relationship with Christ.  So when those major blows do indeed come (because they will) the pain may not all be taken away, but it will definitely ensure okayness.  Broken hearts happen.  A lot.  There is still hope though.  There is moving forward and hope that once we have fallen, we can still mend.  Through the Savior.  So, to all who may have a broken heart of any sort right now:  no one can tell you when to stop feeling pain, or when to "get over it."  Trust me, I know.  However, I can promise that, through Jesus Christ, you will.  Indeed.  Be.  Okay.

I need some Graham Canyon...

It's quite possible that you will go on hikes and be sooo excited to see what is at the top because you believe it will be the most beautiful view.  Some people will be really good at encouraging you, and some people will be really good at discouraging you.  They will probably tell you it's not really that great, and that might not be worth it.  But!  It's possible that you get to the top and it is even more beautiful than you imagined or dreamed! 

Aaaand it's possible that you will get to the top and feel like you should be disappointed (and it's possible that you might be for a minute) because the view doesn't make you that happy.  

But wait, on the climb up to the top you experienced, and grew closer to your Father in Heaven,  and found joy, and learned, and even forgot you were actually heading somewhere else because of how wonderful the view was from that point. 

 The climb up there made you happy. 

 And that is enough.  

And there you will know...

that you keep climbing.

Let's Get Personal

As many of you may know, I have chosen to finish up my associates degree here at Utah Valley University, take Fall off (working), then transfer up to Utah Sate University to hopefully get into the Social Work program there.  What some people may not know is the "why" behind this choice.  I have been getting some pretty quizzical and suspicious questions about whether or not my decision has had anything to do with a certain missionary who will most likely be going there as well.   I can honestly look anyone who wonders that in the eyes and tell them no.  I don't feel like I owe anyone an explanation for doing what I am doing, except that this is a decision that I made because it feels right.  I used to just be super excited about the thought of going to USU.  I think the idea of a new thing thrilled me. Well, as the decision got more and more serious, I have gotten more and more afraid.  Afraid about being further away from home, being away from the majority of my best friends, afraid of starting over there, and afraid of simply making the wrong choice - one that is displeasing to my Heavenly Father.  However, I know that these fears are not from the Lord.  It's during these times that I have found myself saying, "Hannah Joy Russon, where is your faith?!" I have had it confirmed to me time and time again that this is the direction I am supposed to be moving, and I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't feel this way.  I wouldn't say that the Lord told me straight up to go to USU, but sometimes when we don't know the exact answer, we have to move forward with what we think is good, and have confidence that the Lord will tell us otherwise if it's not right.   I have continued to feel so right about it.  I feel like the assignments that the Lord has for me will be best prepared for by being there - that me becoming someone and helping little kids by being a therapist, will become even more of a reality there.  I don't know what's going to happen.  I don't even know if said missionary will actually end up going there.  Sometimes the Lord changes the plans that we have for ourselves and that could very easily happen for him as well.  Still, I'm going.  I just know that people change, desires change, plans change, and sometimes "rights" change too.  A lot of that has been happening for me lately.  All four of those - in ways I can't even explain to you.   Could this "right" change in 6 months from now depending on what's going on or who is in my life?  Sure.  But this is what I know NOW.  So I move forward with that NOW, and THAT is what feels right.  Some things in this life are set in stone.  Some thing aren't.  I have a complete testimony of that. So as far as I know, I will be taking a deep breath, rolling up my sleeves, wiping a few tears away, putting a huge grin on my face, and becoming a Utah State Aggie.  When I wrote as my facebook status a few weeks ago that "I have the deep need to be an Aggie," I meant it.  In a "deeper" and more special way than I may have ever initially conveyed.  :)  Even now, this puts a smile on my face, and I am so grateful for the promise that as we live righteously, we will be guided.  

We need to trust THAT.  NOW. 

Gift to Jesus

Every year on Christmas Eve my family writes down what our gift to Jesus will be.  This year I decided that,

 "I'll give God forever to make me what I am.  Give my plans, give my dreams, give up all my fretful schemes.  I'll give God this moment to fill my soul with cheer."

I chose this because it means that I will simply trust.  Giving the Lord everything I am so that He can make me the best "I am" is not an easy task.

I asked my friend the other day, what she wanted more than anything else.  She answered with a very good, righteous desire.  Then she asked me the same question.  I told her that the thing that motivates me more than anything else, the thing that drives me - my dream - is to raise a Celestial family.  To be married in the temple and raise some little ones of my own.  For all of us as a family to build God's kingdom, then live there one day.  I try to make everything I do be for them.  I feel that it is the greatest role that I could possibly play as a servant of God.  The thing is, though, I don't know how all of that is going to work out.  I don't know that it is the role God wants me to play.  I can't see the future, and I don't know what God's plan for me is just yet.   I don't know who my husband is, and I don't know when I will find him.  I don't what my future family will be like, and I don't know what kind of mother I will be.  But I know I need to trust the Lord.  That is the giving up all my plans and all my dreams part.  Don't get me wrong.  I love this time of my life.  I honestly do.  I get so much joy from playing with my girlfriends, and going on crazy college adventures. I love discovering who I am throughout it all.  But (and I think this applies to most people), sometimes I get caught up in looking for my "golden ticket."  I get distracted from the good that is going on now by thoughts of this dream that I have finally coming to pass.  I think I need to just eat more of the chocolate bar.  And enjoy it.  That's the giving God this moment to fill my soul with cheer part.  I believe what Elder Holland says about how the Lord is willing to fulfill our dreams.  We just need to trust and have faith enough to ask him.  "Giving God forever means I'll wait and watch and see."  Wait.  Not one of Hannah's favorite words in the world.  Actually a very enemy-like one.  We don't get a long very well.  BUT if it means doing the Lord's will, then I can do it! Even if it does take forever!  So, I have dreams, yes.  But I'd give them up in a heartbeat if it is what He asked of me.  If it made His plan more possible.  With that said, "I won't worry.  But I won't forget.  I'll give God this moment to fill my soul with cheer, and that will keep Him near."

So Sweet

“The way you wear your clothes, 

and how you eat your food.

 I like the way you think. 
 I love you.

And how you play the drums on top of every surface, 

and the rhythm that comes through your hands.

And when you tie your boots up, 

and the way you fold your t-shirts, 

I just like the way you move.

And I like your freckles, 

and I like your muscles, 

and I like your sentences too.

You stride over to me, 

and I’m watching you while thinking, 

it is the best sight I ever saw.

Cuz when you come close to me, 

my heart is always opening,

and every time I am so enthralled. 

The accent in your voice, 

and all the words you use. 

I like the way you talk.  

I love you.

And you hold your arms out

when your ready for  a hug, 

and the way you bring me close into your chest.

And when you study hard, 

and when you day dream harder, 

I just like the things you do.

And I like your features, and I like your fingers, 

I like your ideas too.”