The past few months have gone by like a whirlwind and I often find myself thinking, "how did this even happen?" I haven't had much time to process all of it, which have made everything sort of drag out in a lot of ways. During all of the chaos I was talking to a friend and I asked her how I was going to get through it and she said, "you'll just turn it into another one of your inspirational blog posts that I'll love reading." I laughed it off, but its true that writing on this blog is a great way for me to think through things and express the feelings of my heart.
Let me start off by telling about an experience I had pretty early on in working for the division of child and family services. It had been a rough day in court and I was on my way back to the office when I had my first "on-the-job" meltdown (obviously to be followed by many more, but that is expected with this line of work). I pulled into our parking structure feeling completely defeated because I couldn't tell, like the other caseworkers could, that one of our clients was extremely impaired and under the influence. That's something I had been working to be able to recognize and this time it went clear over my head. With such a seemingly small thing, came a whole lot of other things that, again, I hadn't been able to process and the tears started to flow. Uncontrollably. I thought about how hard I had worked to graduate in social work and how it had been a goal for me for the majority of my life due to a lot of divine intervention and direction, but that I couldn't shake the thought that no matter what I was doing, I had an emptiness in my heart. All I wanted was to be able to have my own family that I would do everything in my power to raise unto Christ. I began to pray amidst all my tears. I felt like Hannah from the bible and I sort of started to make fragmented promises to the Lord about what I would do if I could just have my own family I asked God, "why am I here? Why are you having me do this? All I want is to be a wife and a momma..." In an instant of both humility and recognition, my shoulders sort of dropped and I prayed, "except to do your will...I want that more." Needless to say, those words were somewhat difficult for me to muster out, and the Lord didn't answer my "why" questions right then and there, but He did give me reassurance that He did have a plan for me. He did remind me that there were very specific assignments that He had in mind for me to fulfill and I was motivated by that and I was strengthened enough to move.
Fast forward a few months and I started dating someone and to be completely honest and vulnerable, I started getting my hopes up. A lot. I was falling fast. Well, long story shortish, that lasted for only a couple of months and for various reasons that I don't completely understand and, in moments of weakness, still have a hard time not trying to analyze everything to death, we broke up. During that time of "break-up" trauma I also quit my job with DCFS, days later got hired on in a new job, and moved home. All of this happening in a matter of weeks - these big life-changing things - happening in a matter of weeks, thus making me a very flustered and fragile person. I had been looking for other jobs outside of DCFS for a while because I started to recognize that this job wasn't for me. I was good at it, and was begged to stay, but I promised myself before I graduated that if I ever worked somewhere and I started to see myself change at all, I would quit. So I did. Anyway, miracles happened and without even applying for another job, I was offered a position as a kindergarten teacher. I then went of a much needed and divinely timed vacation with my best friend. Upon getting home though...that's when everything started to hit. I tried to look back at the last month and figure out what had happened and it honestly seemed like a blur. A blur that was out of my control almost! Looking back now though I know it was the Lord completely taking me by the hand and guiding me. All of this is completely and totally to His credit. Again, I really don't even know what happened - it all happened so fast. We are promised that as we try to stay obedient to the Lord though, that He will guide us. That is exactly what he has done. However, that doesn't mean that I haven't resisted all of this change. It has been a tough pill to swallow. I moved home after thinking I was out for good and while I love home, I couldn't help upon unpacking all of my things that somehow I had regressed and lost some of my independence per se. It's good to be home and with my family and things have slowed down, but this feels so awkward. People say, "oh you are so young. Focus on yourself right now." Yes, I am young, but that doesn't make the sheer longing for a family of my own go away, and I am so over focusing on myself. My soul knows better and it has gotten to the point that at times when I look on facebook or instagram and see pictures of people getting engaged, or wedding pictures, or pictures of mommas meeting their babies for the first time, it makes me physically ill. Not because I am jealous, or because of any bitterness toward those people, my life, and especially not toward God. It is that piece of my spirit that longs for eternal things and for the opportunity for my most important roles to be fulfilled.
I was talking to my mom the other day and I admitted that all of my best friends - guys and girls - are married and having babies and while I rejoice for them, it puts me in a fairly lonely position at times. I told her that right now its hard for me to see what my next steps in life may be and that I feel like I am in a bit of a rut/standstill even though I know its quite the opposite. I know that all of this sort of "breaking down" of what I know or am comfortable in is happening just so the Lord can build me back up in the way He needs to. He is really setting the stage for whatever He has planned for me in my career, in my education, in my spiritual growth and in my eternal progression and in my future family. I know that. I can feel it deep deep within me. I don't know when or where or how I will meet my husband and I t's hard to not pick myself apart thinking about what I need to change in order to be able to get married or maybe if I did something differently or maybe this or that is what's wrong with me but I know those thoughts are not from the Lord and I can't think like that. I don't know if my career will go the exact direction I have always thought it would and I don't even know my next step yet but please don't get me wrong. I am astounded at the blessings I have. I am incredibly privileged and I am honored and humbled by the gifts I am given and I know that this is a special time of life filled with opportunities and refinement. I share these things because I believe in vulnerability. I believe that we can each relate to one another in profound ways and that hopefully we can be lifted by the lessons we are each learning in life and that somewhere out there, what I have to share might help someone else as I am constantly helped by the things those around me have to share. I know I am not alone and the Lord often reminds me what a wonderful time of life this is and that no matter what stage I am in, there will always be challenges. Yet, there will always be joy as well. Always joy in the journey. So, for now, I do my best not to focus on myself, but on others as I know there are always ways to serve and give and lose myself in the assignments I so desperately want to fulfill. For now I trust and above all, I hope. I hope that God does have a plan for me and that those moments of stillness when I feel Him close are very real and He is comforting me and letting me know He is aware and incredibly involved. For now I throw my hands up and give my will to the Lord, grateful that I don't have to know the "why's" because He does, and for now, that is enough.
